Clarification on NC Rule

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Clarification on NC Rule
16
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 5:41pm

Ok

I've read here and there that there should be a 30 NC rule.

Does NC = No Contact or No Calling

Is this just from my end or do I tell him "I can't talk to you for 30 days".

I'm asking this because it is HE that is talking to ME.

Yesterday, I couldn't stand seeing him online anymore (even wrote things in a 'blank' IM that I wanted to say to him but knew I couldn't) and blocked him on AIM.

So then I get home and start playing, and he gets online while I'm logging onto a character he has no record of...

.. and then I log onto the one he knows and he immediately buzzes me and goes 'There you are'

And I told him today that I read that I was supposed to have no communication from 30 - 60 days (depending on the support source) and he was like 'Jesus'. It was apparent that he's not ready to cut ties with me.

So, what is it?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 6:11pm

It's "no contact", period...no calls, no emails, no texts, no IM's, no smoke signals...and that includes indirect contact, too, like looking at something like a myspace profile. And it definitely goes both ways...no initiating contact, and no allowing contact from him.

And personally, unless your relationship only lasted a short time (a few months), then 30 or even 60 days isn't enough (that's the one thing I disagree with in Greg Behrendt's book). No contact needs to be in place for as long as it takes for you to be completely OVER your romantic feelings for the guy (as in, you'd be delighted for him if you called and learned that he was engaged to someone else). If that means a couple years rather than a couple months (and for long term relationships, it probably will), then it means a couple of years. A pretty accurate rule of thumb for relationships two years or less is that it takes about half the time you're in the relationship to get over someone.

The idea is to give your brain and heart a rest so they can heal. If you're constantly or even intermittently talking to your ex, then the wound gets re-opened each time.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 7:14pm

I think for it to be successful, you need to be clear in your mind that the relationship is over. If that is your conclusion then, as hard as it is, it doesn't matter what his wishes are. Go about your life as if he's a nonentity. The goal is for you to reach a place where you're not squandering your time and energy pining for him and moving forward with confidence and mental clarity. Anything that allows him to stay in or creep back into your thoughts is going to be a setback or prevent you from even moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:14pm

I for one, have never believed in hard and fast rules.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:22pm

I just wanted to note that I agree it takes different amounts of time for different people and different circumstances...I've just found that somehow, that rule of thumb has proved to be pretty much right on for me. I will often think, oh it won't take that long this time, or oh, I can't imagine I'll be over him by then...yet it ends up being pretty accurate. I also have found that having some idea of what others have experienced is helpful, just so you're not hanging out there not having any idea how long it will take, so that's why I pass it on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:23pm

Yes, I am aware that what I am doing is prolonging my pain :/

Funny you said 'can't' vs. 'won't'.

When I got home Sat from his place, I logged into the game.

And lo and behold.

He starts talking to me, telling me how much he wants to be friends and that he wants to be with me but can't.

I told him to change that to won't, but he insists that it is can't.

Today... he told me that he wants to be able to send messages of love to me as much as I do to him.

I feel like I'm in a bad Romeo and Juliet novel.

Now do you see why I want to contact his parents? :|

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 7:17am

....."He starts talking to me, telling me how much he wants to be friends and that he wants to be with me but can't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 12:16pm

To clarify:

I had told him that I wanted to send him messages of love (remember we are chatting just about every minute we are awake and have been for 6 months) when the chat lapses. Like a kiss smiley or a hug... or dirtier things.

He said that it was hard for him too, that he wanted to as well.

As far as his parents go, yes they ARE the reason we have broken up. He says that he believes they would not approve and that they would disown him. They know nothing of me and he is breaking up with me before he falls even deeper in love with me and it comes to a point where he has to tell them and the ... perceived disownership occurs.

And you are right. I am not sure what is going on here at all. I am asking my guy friends WTF is going on.

He's asked me to have patience. He has asked me for space SINCE the breakup... the day after he told me that there was no changing his mind, he tells me 'maybe I was just trying to find an excuse to have some space and time to think.'

I can't ask him what's up because HE DOESN'T KNOW EITHER. =/

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:54pm

Does that mean if someone was married for 10 years, they wouldn't be ready for a relationship for FIVE YEARS?!?! Sounds like a long time to lick your wounds....

Sorry, I know I'm being a smart***

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 2:50pm
I believe the rule of thumb that Sheri is referring to applies to relationships of two years or less, and I'm sure she'll correct me if I'm wrong. What I've heard for longer relationships (5+ years) is that there's one year of mourning for every 5 years ... so a 20 year relationship would take 4 years to fully get over ... does that make sense? And obviously these aren't hard and fast rules. Every recovery process is slightly different.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:05pm

No, as Iamdelightful said, I've found the "half the time" rule of thumb generally applies to relationships of 2 years or less. I'm not sure there is an equivalent rule of thumb for longer relationships...although IAD's "a year for every 5 years" guideline sounds reasonable. I know it took me 3 years to get over a 4 year relationship, but that was in large part because I allowed him to keep in contact with me.

Sheri

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