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| Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:35pm |
Hello everyone. I am new to this board. I've been reading posts for about a week or two now.
My ex and I had been together 3 years, friends for over 10. Honestly, I don't even have the heart to get into the issues of it all right now. I am beside myself with sadness. :..(
My question for all of you is this...
How do you get over someone when you have absolutely NO closure...and no forseen possibility of getting it?
I do understand the NC thing. But, there is soooooooo much left unsaid, and I feel that he owes me an explanation. Any thoughts or advice will be greatly appreciated.
My ex and I had been together 3 years, friends for over 10. Honestly, I don't even have the heart to get into the issues of it all right now. I am beside myself with sadness. :..(
My question for all of you is this...
How do you get over someone when you have absolutely NO closure...and no forseen possibility of getting it?
I do understand the NC thing. But, there is soooooooo much left unsaid, and I feel that he owes me an explanation. Any thoughts or advice will be greatly appreciated.

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In that case (and I've been there--have had exes just disappear on me), you have to get your own closure, by accepting that the two of you aren't right for each other. Because if you were, you'd still be together--bottom line. I know it's simplistic in a way, but it's true.
I totally understand wanting and feeling you are owed an explanation and I'm sure you are--but if one isn't forthcoming, what choice do you have other than to move on without it?
Sheri
I know if I never speak to him again I have to move on...regardless. But, that is what I am having such a hard time with. I do not mean to disregard what you are saying...but "just do it" isn't "doing it" for me.
btw - I am an attractive women with a lot to offer and already have several great men lined up wanting to date me...I just can't seem to move on no matter how hard I try.
So again, is closure possible when you are sure that you were perfect for each other and no way of sorting out why not?
Well, what is the alternative? I'm really not trying to be "just do it" about this, but in reality, if he won't talk to you, you really don't have a lot of options. You can stay stuck in limbo or you can choose to work on accepting that he's not right for you and move on.
But we do have a basic disagreement in philosophy--I don't think someone who is right for you is going to break up with you. He may be right for you at some later point in both of your lives (because part of "rightness" is timing, for sure) but not now.
Sheri
I hope that's not the case. I found it took longer than I wanted it to with the disappearing men, but it did eventually happen and I wasn't at all sure it would.
Sheri
I don't know if this helps but I personally think that the idea of a closure is a myth. If it actually exists it comes more as a gradual thing rather than a defining moment or words.
I know its a total cliche but time is the only thing that has a significant effect here. Six months ago I truly believed that I would still feel the exact same way at this point in time. I was very wrong. There is no doubt in my mind I have never been even nearly as much in love as I was with my ex and Im not a kid and have been around the block a couple times. But I feel a lot better than I expected to feel around the new year. Im not dating, Im just working on improving my life and find happiness again. When Im at the point of saying that Im living the life I want, then I will try to find love again.
I still don't really have a conclusive explanation and I still feel that everything is unresolved. But Im just not obsessing about it anymore. If anything - the fact that everything is still unresolved actually tells me that he is really missing out. I felt at the time he was making a mistake and I still think he did. I have finally gotten to the point of BELIEVING that he is missing out. And the more I do for myself, the stronger that feeling gets and I detach more.
So I mostly just want to tell you to hang in there. Maybe one day you will get your answers from him or someone else. But for now you need to focus on yourself and no one else. Ive been reading a lot about forgiveness lately, for myself and others. Its really interesting stuff.
You don't need him for closure, you don't need an explanation.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
First of all, BIG HUG.
Second of all, here are some phrases/advice that really helped me with my break up...and I hope they help you. I too, was broken up with without a real explanation, and was left feeling like I needed closure and like it HAD to come in some form.
1. LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Wake up in the morning, take a deep breath and say, "All I know today is that we aren't meant to be together today." I know in the beginning stages of a breakup, you simply aren't ready to let go of the love and the hope that he really IS "the one." THAT'S OK!! Try not to dwell on that hope, but don't beat yourself up over it if you find yourself doing that every now and then. Just be careful of what you're thinking, and do your best to direct your thoughts elsewhere. Sounds impossible, I know...but with a little practice paying attention to your thoughts, you can regain a lot of focus.
2. DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO GET OVER HIM. This one might be hard to hear, because your first reaction is probably "But...I don't WANT to get over him!!" Of course you don't, you love him. HOWEVER, if you get your mind in this place, it will do you nothing but good. Doing everything in your power to get over him doesn't mean there won't be more tears and sadness. That's part of the process. But it does mean that you don't wallow. You spend all your time re-discovering who you are without him. This, in time, will build up your self-esteem, your self-awareness, and your confidence. Believe that you are worth it. BELIEVE that he made a mistake.
3. THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER IT IS TO GO THROUGH IT. Cheesy, but so, so true. You just have to let yourself cry and scream. If you can't cry and scream to him, cry and scream on a piece of paper. Scream WHY!!? in all caps, write him a letter you won't send. You have to get it all out. Like I said before, it's a process.
4. Once you feel that you've let it all out (and this will likely happen more than once!) Begin to change your questions. Instead of asking "Why?" start asking things like "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I use this seemingly unfortunate circumstance in my life to better myself?" This takes the focus, again, away from him and the mysteries of what might be going on in his head, and puts the focus on you...which is where it needs to be.
I hope this helped...there is a light at the end of the tunnel although I know you can't see past the pain just yet. Stay strong, don't contact him or backpedal. Just move forward. I promise you will be surprised what time and some inward focus will do for you.
S
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