closure

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
closure
11
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:35pm
Hello everyone. I am new to this board. I've been reading posts for about a week or two now.
My ex and I had been together 3 years, friends for over 10. Honestly, I don't even have the heart to get into the issues of it all right now. I am beside myself with sadness. :..(
My question for all of you is this...
How do you get over someone when you have absolutely NO closure...and no forseen possibility of getting it?
I do understand the NC thing. But, there is soooooooo much left unsaid, and I feel that he owes me an explanation. Any thoughts or advice will be greatly appreciated.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eowyn29
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:40pm

In that case (and I've been there--have had exes just disappear on me), you have to get your own closure, by accepting that the two of you aren't right for each other. Because if you were, you'd still be together--bottom line. I know it's simplistic in a way, but it's true.

I totally understand wanting and feeling you are owed an explanation and I'm sure you are--but if one isn't forthcoming, what choice do you have other than to move on without it?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: eowyn29
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:19pm
I'm not the best at giving advice, as I am still hurting a little myself, but trust me, I know about wanting closure. It almost drove me crazy trying to get it. But like the last post stated, you really have to make your own closure simply by getting past the hurt. It took me two months into my breakup to come to terms that some things are not meant to be understood, and you just simply have to move past the big question of "WHY?" Time is the biggest factor in healing a broken heart. It really does all get better with time. I'm in my fifth week of no-contact and I'm a completely differnt person than I was back then when I was crying every night over him. I'm actually starting to feel normal again and realizing that life is not so bad after all. I have many other blessings. There is life after a break-up. Your closure will come in knowing that you've gotten through the heartbreak with no help from him. I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
In reply to: eowyn29
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:42pm
Well, he didn't actually disappear on me. It's quite a bit more complicated than that. Basically, he will not talk to me right now out of embarrassment? guilt? shame?...I don't even know why??? I assured him nothing could ever change my feelings for him so I just don't understand why he called it quits. And, if we are really, truly, not supposed to be together I could accept that. I just don't/can't believe it. Call it denial if you want. He is the only person who could convince me it wasn't right but, he won't. I am sure some of you will say his breaking up is telling me that loud and clear. But, that is not the case...as evidenced by the reconcilliation part of this forum.
I know if I never speak to him again I have to move on...regardless. But, that is what I am having such a hard time with. I do not mean to disregard what you are saying...but "just do it" isn't "doing it" for me.
btw - I am an attractive women with a lot to offer and already have several great men lined up wanting to date me...I just can't seem to move on no matter how hard I try.
So again, is closure possible when you are sure that you were perfect for each other and no way of sorting out why not?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eowyn29
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:55pm

Well, what is the alternative? I'm really not trying to be "just do it" about this, but in reality, if he won't talk to you, you really don't have a lot of options. You can stay stuck in limbo or you can choose to work on accepting that he's not right for you and move on.

But we do have a basic disagreement in philosophy--I don't think someone who is right for you is going to break up with you. He may be right for you at some later point in both of your lives (because part of "rightness" is timing, for sure) but not now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
In reply to: eowyn29
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:09am
well, you are right...I don't have a lot of options. And, I do respect what you say about timing. I am just trying to find something that will help the process along. I feel like I will be dealing with this for years to come before my heart will allow me to give it up.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eowyn29
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:18am

I hope that's not the case. I found it took longer than I wanted it to with the disappearing men, but it did eventually happen and I wasn't at all sure it would.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
In reply to: eowyn29
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:46am

I don't know if this helps but I personally think that the idea of a closure is a myth. If it actually exists it comes more as a gradual thing rather than a defining moment or words.

I know its a total cliche but time is the only thing that has a significant effect here. Six months ago I truly believed that I would still feel the exact same way at this point in time. I was very wrong. There is no doubt in my mind I have never been even nearly as much in love as I was with my ex and Im not a kid and have been around the block a couple times. But I feel a lot better than I expected to feel around the new year. Im not dating, Im just working on improving my life and find happiness again. When Im at the point of saying that Im living the life I want, then I will try to find love again.

I still don't really have a conclusive explanation and I still feel that everything is unresolved. But Im just not obsessing about it anymore. If anything - the fact that everything is still unresolved actually tells me that he is really missing out. I felt at the time he was making a mistake and I still think he did. I have finally gotten to the point of BELIEVING that he is missing out. And the more I do for myself, the stronger that feeling gets and I detach more.

So I mostly just want to tell you to hang in there. Maybe one day you will get your answers from him or someone else. But for now you need to focus on yourself and no one else. Ive been reading a lot about forgiveness lately, for myself and others. Its really interesting stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
In reply to: eowyn29
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 6:58am

You don't need him for closure, you don't need an explanation.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: eowyn29
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:09am
Hi. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years yesterday. I'm so grief-stricken. There is no closure and probably never will be because I still love him and he still loves me, it's just one of those things where we're not going the same places in life, no matter how much we wish we were. My eyes can't stop welling up with tears and I bawled in the shower last night, gut-wrenching animal-like wailing sorrow has overcome me. And now I have to face my coworkers and my dentist today, when I feel like I could fall apart at any moment. I'm scared about having no closure, too. It makes it so much harder to move on. I just wanted to say I'm here with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
In reply to: eowyn29
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:36am

First of all, BIG HUG.

Second of all, here are some phrases/advice that really helped me with my break up...and I hope they help you. I too, was broken up with without a real explanation, and was left feeling like I needed closure and like it HAD to come in some form.

1. LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Wake up in the morning, take a deep breath and say, "All I know today is that we aren't meant to be together today." I know in the beginning stages of a breakup, you simply aren't ready to let go of the love and the hope that he really IS "the one." THAT'S OK!! Try not to dwell on that hope, but don't beat yourself up over it if you find yourself doing that every now and then. Just be careful of what you're thinking, and do your best to direct your thoughts elsewhere. Sounds impossible, I know...but with a little practice paying attention to your thoughts, you can regain a lot of focus.

2. DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO GET OVER HIM. This one might be hard to hear, because your first reaction is probably "But...I don't WANT to get over him!!" Of course you don't, you love him. HOWEVER, if you get your mind in this place, it will do you nothing but good. Doing everything in your power to get over him doesn't mean there won't be more tears and sadness. That's part of the process. But it does mean that you don't wallow. You spend all your time re-discovering who you are without him. This, in time, will build up your self-esteem, your self-awareness, and your confidence. Believe that you are worth it. BELIEVE that he made a mistake.

3. THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER IT IS TO GO THROUGH IT. Cheesy, but so, so true. You just have to let yourself cry and scream. If you can't cry and scream to him, cry and scream on a piece of paper. Scream WHY!!? in all caps, write him a letter you won't send. You have to get it all out. Like I said before, it's a process.

4. Once you feel that you've let it all out (and this will likely happen more than once!) Begin to change your questions. Instead of asking "Why?" start asking things like "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I use this seemingly unfortunate circumstance in my life to better myself?" This takes the focus, again, away from him and the mysteries of what might be going on in his head, and puts the focus on you...which is where it needs to be.

I hope this helped...there is a light at the end of the tunnel although I know you can't see past the pain just yet. Stay strong, don't contact him or backpedal. Just move forward. I promise you will be surprised what time and some inward focus will do for you.

S

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