closure discussion? (long post)
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| Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:18am |
Hello everyone! I'm new to the boards here, and hoping some of you can give me some advice. I guess I should give a little background first before my actual question:
My bf of six months suddenly ended things this past weekend. We'd only been living together for two weeks when he said that it was just like a switch had gone off, and he said that it was like he just didn't love me anymore. He tried to shake it overnight but couldn't. He went out for about an hour in the morning, and when he came back he looked like something was wrong. I asked him what it was, and he said that he thought we should break up. Followed by aforementioned light switch analogy.
Well. I'll cop to not reacting well. I was all over the place: numbness (first feeling) and then anger, sadness, confusion. Mixed with alternately crying, yelling, whimpering, quite a bit of begging (YES, I did... ugh). To no avail. His mind was made up. He didn't love me.
I don't even remember a whole lot of that day. I guess I'd chalk it up to being completely blindsided. I remember he said that my insecurity was a lot to do with it. Now, I'd acknowledged about... a month prior to this that I needed to do something about my insecurity, because for the first time ever in the history of my relationships, it dawned on me that I could lose someone I really cared about because of it. And that scared me. I told him I didn't know how I'd do it, but that I wanted to try. And except for a few slips here and there, I thought I was doing okay.
I guess I wasn't. The last time he brought up the insecurity issue was actually before I did, and after that and especially what I told him above, things seemed to be fine. If it was still bothering him, I didn't know. However, I don't think he's correct in some of his "evidence" of my insecurity. Things that, if he'd asked, he would have gotten a straight answer on.
So. I guess I've accepted by this point the fact that he thinks I'm insecure still. Which starts leading me to my question. I know that the break-up-ee is not, not, not supposed to contact the break-up-er. But, like a recent previous poster's question about sending a "closure" letter, I have this overwhelming urge to at least set things straight.
My actual question is, is it appropriate to initiate a closure conversation? I have three goals in mind: first to apologize for how I acted on the day of the breakup (including saying some unkind things that I regret), to acknowledge my part in the failure of the relationship, but also just to give my take on what he feels points to insecurity on my part.
I would prefer not to write my points out to him. I am a firm believer of whenever possible (and when keeping composed is possible), that apologies should be face-to-face. I do not have an ulterior motive of "oh, just one more time to see him." I am also *not* looking to label him "wrong" and me "right." I just think he didn't perceive some things correctly. I am not expecting a meeting to result in a reconciliation. I am not anywhere near over him, but I've accepted that most likely we will never be "we" again. I'm not looking for a long drawn out discussion about the breakup. I feel that, if we're going to be apart, he should at least know my position. He had the opportunity to sleep on his feelings and while he was out, try to clear his head and lay out what he would say. I would like the opportunity to do the same now that I've had a few days to think it over (and cry about it) and to acknowledge my part in the matter.
Thank you for reading. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Forgot to mention that ideally he would contact me first, but that I'm not looking to put the idea of meeting up out for a little while.
I think there was something else I wanted to add to that last paragraph but it's late :P Thanks everyone.

Hi being and welcome (you couldn't come up with a different name? ;o) )
....."My actual question is, is it appropriate to initiate a closure conversation? I have three goals in mind: first to apologize for how I acted on the day of the breakup (including saying some unkind things that I regret), to acknowledge my part in the failure of the relationship, but also just to give my take on what he feels points to insecurity on my part.".....
Here's the deal on wanting to write letter, initiate discussions, etc, to "set the record straight"--- they generally don't work. Because even wanting to do that is in fact, needy and comes from an insecure place within you, so you would actually be proving his point for him yet again.
If you don't believe it, try it and see. I've been CLing this board over a year, and I have yet to see an instance where anyone who tried to write out their feelings to someone or have one of those "clear the air" discussions soon after a breakup have it actually work in their favor, make the breakup easier or more palatable, or even actually set the record straight. It usually got worse afterwards. If anyone has been successful, they haven't posted that tidbit of info. Believe me, right now he does not want to hear it.
The other poster you mentioned was talking about a platonic friend he had a bad falling out with, not a romantic interest that had broken up, so the two aren't in the same ballpark. Mending friendships is much easier than mending or even setting straight a love relationship gone sour. Not to mention, he's waited for about two months with no contact and I believe he did not send his 'closure letter' as he was rightly advised by the other members of the board not to.
Gather up your dignity, write that letter, and then burn it. Or save it for at least one month. Read it again and then tell me if you're not happy you didn't send it after all. If nothing else, *wait* until he actually calls first, then you decide what you want to say.
Best,
Hello Sandra and thank you for responding. Sorry it took so long to write this, but I needed to get my head together first. Since you asked about my name, it comes from my second-favorite song ever (minus the 112), and it's by the Pet Shop Boys. It's actually a song about the exact opposite: "We were never being bored/'cause we were never being boring".
At any rate. My friend at work had the same suggestion as you, to draft an email, just save it, and see how I feel after a time. I was all set NOT to contact him, since I read what you told me. He ended up emailing me Thursday morning. He said he hoped I was doing OK. He wanted to let me know that he was going to send a package to me with the gifts I'd given him. He appreciated them but he didn't feel it was appropriate to keep them, given the short time he had them. He told me that he was driving to CT tomorrow night (now, tonight) so he wouldn't be going to the birthday party we were going to attend together. (We also had been planning to go to CT Saturday morning.) He said he didn't know if I was still thinking of going (as of Wednesday night, I wasn't, because I thought he was going to be there), but that word hadn't gotten to the other guests about us. He said that he's run into a couple of people and they asked what happened (two of whom were in the house briefly while we were splitting, and the other a friend of one of them), but that he has been very discreet and hadn't given any reasons. So, he told me, if I run into anyone, they don't know details.
For some reason that email put me into a frenzy and I emailed it to the above-mentioned friend. She told me to come outside with her. I was shaking and crying like you would not believe. She was just stunned.
Ordinarily I would have waited to respond except for that he was preparing to send the package the same day, and I didn't want him to send them back, so I responded. I committed a no-no, but I figured I'm already down, he told me how he felt on Sunday, I've had a couple of days to think about how I feel, so what the heck. I told him that honestly, I wasn't doing okay. That I was still shocked, and that I wished he'd talked to me sooner if he still thought after getting back from our trip (early April we got back) that there was a problem in the relationship. That if I had known, I never would have moved in, we could have just kept our living arrangements and relationship the same, and worked on them.
I told him to please keep the things I bought him, that I already have them at home. That he obviously has no need for the jewelry he got me. So, why don't we not return our gifts. We bought them for each other out of love, and I want him to keep them. I let him know he would still be getting some residual mail for me, and that my clothing shipment should be coming any *week* now (it's been taking for-e-ver).
(I did not write "for-e-ver" to him.)
I told him I was just planning on waiting until Friday to see how I felt about the party, thanked him for giving me a heads up that they don't know anything, and that I appreciated him not telling my issues to the three that did ask.
I continued with a condensed version of what I wrote on the message board yesterday. Apologize for Sunday, acknowledge my part in the breakup, etc.
I did tell him that I miss him terribly and I still love him, and that this has been the hardest email I've had to write, because not only have I lost the man I love, but also my best friend. I signed it "your friend always,".
He wrote back about an hour later thanking me for writing back, that he'd hold the package and just forward the mail. The clothes haven't arrived yet, but he'd get it off to me as soon as it did. He said he understands I was upset Sunday, and that I said/did things I regret, and he doesn't begrudge me for the reaction. He said "I'll always be your friend." I wrote back thanks, I appreciate that. And that was it.
I knew I wasn't going to get any declarations of love. I just wanted to get it out there, and now I can start not contacting him. ("Now" starting from the last email I sent him yesterday morning.)
I opted not to go to the party. I wouldn't have done anything like pump them for information or anything, I DO have more self-control than that. I met a lot of them through him, but some of them I met the same night he and I met. I'd like to be friends with them, but it's too fresh to see them at this moment. I considered going after he said that he wasn't going to be there, because I almost feel like I have to secure myself as "Hey, I can be (me) without (him), I do like you guys, and I'm a good friend on my own." But then he did say that they don't know, and I didn't want to be the one to break the "news." There's a shower and bachelorette party in the next couple of months, so I can see the girls without running into him. He did say on Sunday that he hopes we can still talk if we run into each other or see each other at get-togethers.
I know it's going to be difficult, but I will not contact him. I do want him back, and I do believe that this won't be the last of us. But I've gotten things off my ample chest and I can leave it at that. I still hope and pray to reconcile, but not at the expense of living my life. I just have to start trying to be me before him, and if he wants to join me, then it's up to him to do it before I DO move on.
Please pray to whatever deity or deities you believe in for me ;) , and thanks again for listening.
BB
I just can't believe I messed up this badly. Why? Why did I have to act so insecure? Why didn't I just try harder? I hate that I brought this all on myself. I lost a really wonderful man. It just felt so different with him.
I can't stop thinking about him. I wonder what he's doing, if he misses me now that I'm gone, if he's thinking about the good times like I am, if certain things make him think of me... things I believe most people think about. I hate this emotional rollercoaster. One minute I've spent an entire day trying to make peace with the situation as it currently is while still believing that there will be another "us" at some point, the next minute I'm conjuring up the associations I've made with him (music, movies, etc.) and crying uncontrollably. (That minute is now.)
I can't believe how much this hurts. I miss everything about him and everything we used to do. I would give just about anything for another chance with him. I know, this sounds pathetic.
I just needed to vent.
bb
Edited 5/25/2007 10:21 pm ET by beingboring112