Closure - it sucks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Closure - it sucks!
4
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 7:41pm
My ex appeared at my door after work Thursday night. We had a nice evening - it was just like old times & actually reassured me that I hadn't been imagining how good things were up till recently. Anyways - it was like time stood still that night - we both knew that it was closure & we both seemed to silently agree not to mention the obvious - that it is over. He ended up staying over (on the couch) & was in to much of a hurry in the morning to take the stuff from the garage that he needed. Anyways - he came back Saturday morning with the kids to get the stuff. We all spent a nice day together and and again he stayed over (on the couch), with the kids. They left first thing this morning. It was bittersweet for me. I know it is over. I have the closure. I know he has commitment issues & other problems that he is going to need to learn how to deal with. But I also realize that there were other reasons that he put the brakes on things like he did. Minor things in my opionion - but when I think back now they were always bigger issues for him. Things like our housekeeping styles are different, cooking, child rearing etc. All things that could have been worked out in time - but we no longer have time to work with.
Anyways - it is a sad evening for me. He is gone & whatever happens in his life I do wish him well. He is about to dive head first into a project at work that will make or break his entire career and the pressure on him is very extreme. I miss him very much and will probably always wonder "what could have been". But I finally feel we have the closure that I needed and wont hate him for the way he has handled things.
Thanks to all that read & responded to my posts over the past month. I am sure I will have bad days still - but I don't regret a single minute with him - even though the outcome isn't as I had hoped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 12:01pm

Dear mitchellj2004,

Just read your post. Closure does really stink, but do you feel a strange sense of peace now that you have it? I got my form of closure a week ago Friday. I've finally been able to smile a bit more and get on with my life. It is very hard - but I'm finally feeling OK about things and the future. (Now I wonder when the urge to do drive-bys will subside?!?)

Take Care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 6:00pm
No I don't feel peace. I don't know what I feel. I know that one day I will wake up & it wont hurt so much. But I found myself planning a special day in my head this morning for the two of us, just like I used to do. I had to stop myself and remind myself that he gone. And even today when I got home - I looked for his car to see if he was here. One day those feelings will subside.
As for the drive by's.... well I never did that (although if logistics hadn't been an issue I would have for sure!). But similarily the urge to phone him or e-mail him has been with me every minute today. I fight these things the only way I know how - go to bed. After I put my daughter down I go to sleep myself (even if it is only 8pm). That way the next day will arrive that much quicker and that just means I will be one day closer to being able to move forward. And I write in my journal A LOT!
I stare at the phone - wishing it would ring. But I know it wont.
But I know I have the closure from the relationship. No lose ends to tie up, no more questions or big emotional conversations needed.
He told me the other night that one day I am going to make someone so incredibly happy. But the thing that sucks is that it wasn't him - and he is the one that counts. I have gotten through worse in my life - I will get through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 11:26pm

UGH - I'm sorry to hear no strange peace feeling... Yet.

I totally understand the going to bed thing. Sleep, when you can actually do it, is such a great thing. I would, and still do, go to bed as a manner of avoidance. However, I just lay there and can't sleep most of the time. When I do fall asleep, I have the craziest dreams and wake up often thru-out the night. The nights have been getting better, but some nights just seem to last FOREVER!

I don't know the details behind your situation, but I do wish you all the best. I wish for you the true happiness that we all deserve. (Blah, blah, blah, right!?! I just have to think there is a master plan and there is true happiness out there waiting for us.)

BTW - I've focused on my phone so much, I think it will either ring or magically combust - neither have happened. Go figure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 10:16am

Sleep is torture actually. It's the waking up in the morning that gives me problems.

My default seems to be him most of the time. I can see him still and sense him next to me. I just have to catch myself, cheer myself up and get OUT of bed.

It has gotten easier but not completely. Somedays it really hurts.

Going to the gym is bittersweet. On the days that I know he's there, I still find myself looking for his car or him and being let down when I don't see either. Really silly and I know I have to get past this.

But sleep at night, sigh, I really am hating being alone. Sometimes.