Closure Outline Needed w Help Options

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Closure Outline Needed w Help Options
9
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 2:35am

I'm a guy

I understand this relationship is completely disfuntional. She comes in and out of my life as she pleases. She does not want to change and does'nt own any of her actions. She goes so far as to lie in front of me and whatever audience she's looking to sell. I think she believes her own lies because she oftens asks me to participate in what I call pretend.

Let me make it clear that I am no angel either, but have always gone for help and am always proactively dealing with my issues, like just being here. I got involved being naive to everything thinking she's a little hurt, like I was from past experiences, so she needs some love and she'll be ok. I knew better but wanted to play the role of a "hero" like a real idiot. So the profile is ridiculous, child sexual abuse, several marriages -10+ yrs cocaine & heavy alcohol-high level of promiscuity.But if you saw her you'd never think it.

Now I'm familiar with all the traits. I've experienced, researched, read, and discussed the topics. I've set the stage for sending her one last email in which I can outline what's best for her so I do not enable her. This way when she comes back in few weeks/months I can have this to refer to. I dont want to welcome her back unless she's open to recieving help for HERSELF. And idont want to guarentee that I will be around as a bf. It's time for me to be her conditional friend that will offer help and know exactly where to get it. I'm just having difficulty with the outline. I kinda wanna get myself out. Any suggestions? I will gather all the best ideas-I want her to know she has options-we can discuss all ideas. thanks

let me get you guys started- I cant be nagging, offensive etc...I want to be and I want to cover..and dont forget....

ps -please help out if u can with this/ I want to leave her knowing I left her as safe as I could-and regardless of any of your negative thoughts otherwise she's an absolutely beautiful person, she just does'nt know it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 3:33am

Just a few thoughts before getting to the email thing. It sounds like this girl has a lot of issues, and more importantly, you are AWARE that she has a lot of issues. You seem to be someone who tries to be self-aware and works at the baggage you bring into a relationship. So my question to you is: what about you makes it so that you have to be a "hero" to someone? I don't know how long this has been going on, but at some point, I'd think most people will think to themselves, "S/he is never going to change, and for my own sanity, I need to just leave." You realize that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved or might not even be aware that they need saving. But you keep trying...

As for what you should say in the email - you should probably start it by saying that you're writing the email out of love and concern for her. That you want to see her well. She can either accept what you have to say, or not. She's an adult. And I suggest you really try to let go after you write this email. Unless she shows that she's willing to make important changes in her life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 3:52am

Your question:

So my question to you is: what about you makes it so that you have to be a "hero" to someone?

I come from a backgound that has battled semi tough adversity. though I cannot tell details because of opinions that weigh severly I can tell you I have an open mind. some scripts that are similar or a combo of my experiences are, patch adams, one flew over.., girl interuppted etc....

I'm a guy and I believe no girl should ever have to deal with the things she has dealt with. no one really ever gave up on me but that becasue I always went for help. she in one way has given up on herslef and in other areas has not-I dont want her to be hurt and live this way. - I believe she can turn around and just needs more support. I believe she thinks/feels dirty but denies she feels that and it hurts me to see that. I have many reasons

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 4:12am
oh yeah yuffie ty
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 9:30am


so wait - we are now going to help a guy break up with a girl who is so obviously messed up .....
AND give an outline so that she feels "safe" that this guy is breaking up with her and convince her she is "an absolutely beautiful person" even though a "hero" is choosing to leave her,ofcourse "as safe as she could be."

no sirree. i'm out of it. go break her heart yourself. i'm not gonna make you feel good about it! you've got her all figured out haven't you?? nice judgment on her character there! go ahead leave her. don't ask us how to do it.

god ! the irony here!!!!! don't you know why we are on this board???!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:50pm

"safe" in the sense that she has an option to go many resources through a person, me, she can perhaps someday trust. "her being beautiful" is was she is to me and will not be expressed to her, those are just my feelings. At this point it's not about my feelings it's about her welfare. the idea of being someones "hero" is childish, impure and the way of a typicl egoist looking to creedit his self worth. I'm not for that, did'nt realize I was doing it before. I'm the YES guy and that's bad when your dealing with a person who has addictions. her heart may be broken, but when she slept with 5-7 guys all the while i was with her and I found out I was the honest and at that time faithful that was broken down and still recovering.She's emotionally numb, constantly blaming me. I looked under the key words "abusive women" and she sadly fits this description to a tee. I felt relieve that thi was there. it help me make sense of it here and there. I only saw what I wanted to believe and that was wrong of me too.

http://home.earthlink.net/~elnunes/abuse.htm

- my emotions have gone up and down like a roller coaster, last week at 3:30am wed she climbed a roof top, took off heels, threw them at my window-not knowing how she would get down and screamed "I give up I love you" -she was either drunk or high as usual.

I'm not an angel either-now things have changed and I'm not the right person for her any longer, but for that matter she really needs herslf and recovery-I've tried in every way to communicate to her. she refuses to talk anything out. And after I found out the affair she's been having with this other guy- I weakened by sleeping with her friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:49pm

Things to think about:

::She comes in and out of my life as she pleases.

You allow it.

::So the profile is ridiculous, child sexual abuse, several marriages -10+ yrs cocaine & heavy alcohol-high level of promiscuity. She's emotionally numb, constantly blaming me. She does not want to change and does'nt own any of her actions.

What in you is attracted to that much dysfunction?

::I've set the stage for sending her one last email in which I can outline what's best for her so I do not enable her.

As with anyone, the person with the issue/problem doesn't have a problem until THAT PERSON recognizes it. Not you pointing it out, not anyone else pointing it. What in the world makes you think she is going to HEAR YOU? She's not. She's too messed up to sort through all this and you pointing it out is not going to change things one bit. She has to want to save herself. Not thank you for saving her by pointing her in the right direction. She has years of theraphy ahead of her at best, it would take years to undo behavior that is normal for her, comfortable for her. You sure you'd wait that long or want to go through that process?

What you have here, regardless of the reasons of why she is the way she is, is a different lifestyle, different values and morals - she cheats, she lies, incompatibility - all these are good reasons to not be with someone, but to then want to point out 'hey, you need help and I'm the person to guide you to it', is just egotistical.

::At this point it's not about my feelings it's about her welfare.

You don't want to be seen as the bad guy, yet you know this relationship is not a healthy one.

And this isn't about closure. You are already planning for her to come back "that way when she comes back in few weeks/months I can have this to refer to."

::I'm the YES guy and that's bad when your dealing with a person who has addictions.

It's not easy dealing with anyone's addictions when you are involved with someone that has them.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:55pm

I want to make one thing crystal clear:

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 4:15pm

Sandra, I agree. At least m0ny recognizes that the realtionship is toxic and is trying to do the honorable thing by getting out of it as gracefully as possible. For whatever reason, some of us get involved with people with major problems, and we don't want breaking it off to send that person on a downward spiral.

m0ny, at least you are trying to break up "nicely" as opposed to the way that some of us were recently dumped. I would be honest with her -- tell her what you wrote. Tell her you aren't a saint and care about her, but just can't do this any longer. Tell her she is a great person and that you hope she will see this someday. Tell her she's made great strides (if she has) and that it came from within her.

I do think you also need to figure out what attracted you to her. Did you feel that you could change her or save her? This is not healthy. You may want to do some soul searching yourself to make sure that you don't travel down this path again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 1:10am

let me point out that she is ok with the idea of splitting up and in fact is leading the way, but I'm not looking for her to come back at all (usually on substances) with issues she does not want to readily face

so itwinflame, what can I say, you may be on point-I liked to be in check, but then again with all these messages not connecting with my mindset and the things I believe. I still cannot make sense of it all yet in a rational way-I gotta ask myself the big picture-and I'm actually considered no closure now, but thats not happening cause I need to know that I've at least offered a avenue of resources for her to consider-they say she's gotta hit rock bottom

borrowing concepts of another person can be good but in the end I've gotta make the final decision. your insights are interesting yet I need some time to consider- dont want to damage-want to keep it at the min -I like how you disected the writing breakin it down and all - ican clearly see of few things of myself that I did'nt catch before-(very helpful)

I'm finding a lot of my weakpoints through you guys as you point it out-that's cool I can dig that -thank you