Closure....FINALLY!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Closure....FINALLY!!!
10
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 1:51pm

I have spend the last year of my life not being able to move on and I finally have taken the steps to do so. I wrote a very long and honest letter to my ex-bf letting him know how much he hurt me. Told him all of the things that I have always wanted to say but didn't get the opportunity to. I am planning on mailing the letter today. I will never know if he reads it or if he will fully understand the impact he has had on my life. That isn't important, what is, is that I was finally able to say my peace and get all this off my chest. I have been holding on and harboring these feelings for way too long and now it's time and I am ready to put him in the past where he belongs. I can't move on and have a meaningful relationship until he is fully out of my life. BTW, we have had no contact in a year so I am sure this letter will be out of left field but I dont care. He owes this to me after the hell he put me through!

Thank you for listening to me. This board has been a huge help to me. I would never have been able to get through this without you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 2:09pm

That's great that you wrote the letter...but I would strongly urge you NOT to send it. Any time I have done so, it's come back to bite me. No matter HOW sure I am that I'm not expecting any response (or any response in particular), it hurts when I don't get one (or don't get the one I'm really hoping for, deep down, and not admitting to myself). Now, I'm not saying that it's impossible for someone to REALLY not be hoping for a response...but that hasn't been my experience (personal, friends and reading this and other boards). The fact that you say he "owes this" to you concerns me...owes you WHAT?

You've gone through the process of letting the feelings out...that's what's important. Now put the letter away or burn it or something, rather than sending it. Let it go.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 2:29pm
I agree. Last time I would send these long emails and letters to my ex. I would feel relief when I sent them, then a day or two later I would start to get anxious, wondering if he had read it, if he was going to respond, etc. Even though I would tell myself that it was over, deep down I know I was hoping for him to come back. Well, he did come back and now I am going through the pain all over again. This time I have written a lot of those letters and emailed them to myself instead. I read them when I am upset to remind me how much he hurt me and why he isn't worth my time anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 3:22pm

agreed...and AGREED.

like northwestwanderer and purpleshoes - sending the letter actually does me NOTHING..if anything, sets me back ..

so by sending it - youre ultimately holding on .. moving on and closure is ultimately about YOU...it really has NOTHING to do with HIM.

goodluck -
hugs,
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 9:14am

Hi lady, I remember you from last year and am sending hugs. I'm glad you are feeling some closure with your letter. I think the other posters are just concerned about the reprocutions of sending the letter. I honestly would want to send it too (i have actually) and it is so true about the hidden expectations that arise within you that you didn't realize. You begin to wonder what he's thinking, and maybe get angry again if he ignores it all together. Milton told me once awhile back that it might be a good idea to talk to them one more time. See that who you've held on to so long isn't really that god that we think they are. Get out some unsaid hurt and feelings and realize you are better off than you thought. Maybe you are holding on to the hurt because that is all you know. Thats where you've been for so long, you don't know that your really ok, you just have to step out of yourself and see he's not holding you back anymore, you are. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I hope you can let go soon.

I keep reminding myself these past couple of days, that it's out of my control, it's all His will. And His will is perfect. He won't make a mountain that I can't climb and there is something so much better planned for me, patience. I remind myself over and over and then I sort of smile because I do know He has it all under control (thank goodness because I would probably make a mess of it, lol)
I hope I helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 10:53am

It doesn't sound to me like you are even looking for advice...so I wish you luck in whatever you decide(d) to do. I hope it works out for you...however, I do have some thoughts on this subject that I'd like to share.

I also wrote a "closure" letter to my ex back in November. It felt really great to get out everything that I had wanted to say to him for so long (our breakup was in May), and to finally have the courage to tell him not to contact me anymore. I felt immediate relief after I sent it to him.

But eventually those feelings began to subside and I started to wonder if he was going to respond; if he had even read the letter. Then he tried contacting me a couple of times afterwards, and I never responded...but I just assumed he must have read it. Well, a lot of time has passed since then and my ex contacted me again not too long ago. We had a long conversation that actually went really well. I brought up the letter I had written him, and you know what? He had NO idea what I was talking about...he either never received it or just didn't remember it at all.

So there I was, feeling pretty stupid...I had spent a lot of time writing that letter and it meant an awful lot to me--and pretty much nothing to him. I realized then that my expectations concerning that letter had been unrealistic. I had thought (hoped) my ex would respond to it in some way, and most importantly--that I'd find closure. But I soon learned that "closure" is something only you can achieve--by yourself. I don't regret sending the letter, particularly since it doesn't matter anymore...I'm doing quite well and I think it's safe to say that I'm pretty much "over" my ex now. There aren't really any ill feelings between us anymore. We still aren't exactly friends, but I think we're both better off this way. But I don't think the letter helped contribute to where we're at right now. It made ME feel a little better, but it didn't really have much of a purpose other than that.

I hope you wrote that letter for YOURSELF and if you send it to your ex, I hope you don't have unrealistic expectations/hopes. What exactly are you hoping will happen? He may not respond at all, or at least in the way that you want him to. You mentioned that it's been a year since you guys broke up--don't you think enough time has passed? Him receiving a letter from you out of nowhere may seem a bit awkward...do you really want him to know that you're still so affected by what he did?

Just some thoughts...good luck!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 11:28am

Good post...I had a very similar experience with a closure letter I sent (and it's one of the reasons I don't anymore)...my ex never READ it! He didn't want to feel guilty, so he just never opened it. I can laugh about that now, but at the time, it really hurt.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 8:39pm
Thank you all for replying. I read each of your posts and you all have very valid points. I truly am not expecting anything from my ex. Actually I am hoping for no response. And yes, it will seem a bit strange for contact after a year but this was something I had to do for myself. I was stuck and needed to take a drastic action to get myself out of it. I know that I will not be able to be in a meaningful relationship, if I don't put the past in the past. I am more than ready to move on to better experiences. And this time I will not settle for anything less than what I want!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 1:05pm

Hi lady, how are you doing these days? Feeling better? Did the closure letter get sent? I was thinking about you and hoping that you are finding peace with everything. Let us know how you are, hugs to you

grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:19pm
I'm so happy for you, and I'm right behind you. Please tell me what does the abbreviation BTW mean? I always wanted to know that, and I see it in the postings often. Take care of your heart and soul, and remember all the valuable lessons you been thru, especially the lessons that hurt so much. Keep us posted, and take care of yourself.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:26pm
BTW = by the way.