Commitment Phobic Awareness
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| Sat, 05-06-2006 - 8:54pm |
After just breaking up with a commitment phobic, I found this website very helpful. I hope it's within the rules to put a link to this website:
http://www.simplysolo.com/relationships/how_to_spot_a_commitment_phobic.html
How To Spot a Commitment Phobic - By: Jane Roder
1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".
2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.
3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
6. These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
7. Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.
8. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.
9. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.
10. They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.
11. They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
13. Commitment phobics behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.
14. They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.
15. They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
16. They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
17. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.
18. They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.
19. They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
20. They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
21. They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.
22. When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.
23. A commitment phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
24. They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.
25. They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
26. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
27. They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
28. Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.
29. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
30. Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
31. They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.
32. They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.
33. They are often unfaithful in relationships.
34. They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.
35. Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.
36. If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
37. Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc
38. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
39. These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.
40. The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative belief system about love and relationships.
41. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.
42. Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.
How you handle a commitment phobic
1. Don’t rush into bed with these types of men (or any men for that matter), especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of.
2. Take your time. Listen carefully to a man’s history and leave him as soon as you recognize the behaviours before you get involved and hurt.
3. If he tends to exclude you from other areas of his life the writing is on the wall - beware
4. If you get involved before seeing the behaviours, set the pace with this man. Don’t allow him to set the pace.
5. Act like you don’t need him - stay independent and non-wife like.
6. Realize your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might (that’s if he isn’t a severe case!)
7. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what he does, not what he says.
8. Don’t expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. These types of men are best treated as occasional lovers rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with them. If you do you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You will be left confused, bewildered, angry and hurt.
9. Don’t cut yourself off from dating other men – keep your options open as it is highly likely he is not saving himself for you, nor can he ever give you what you want, need and deserve.
10. Don’t find excuses for his behaviour.
11. Evaluate whether he wants to change and whether he is capable of changing - some men will fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you are.
12. Don’t think it was your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends but learn form it. Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men again. Watch carefully for the behaviours.
13. Take care of yourself first as there is a high chance this man won’t be there for you when you really need him, despite his sweet words when he is in the mood.
14. If you are continually attracting commitment phobics, you will need some coaching to get different results.
15. If you are in pain from a commitment phobic relationship you may need some coaching to heal and move forward.

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hangingloose672...
PG has read thousands of ivillage posts during the past 5 years, but yours is the only one he has encountered that attempts to disguise MALE BASHING under the header of "commitment phobia!"
While some of the points that you indicated are absolutely valid...I take issue with many of the ones that paint us as 'deceptive and devious' the moment we become interested in getting to know a woman. You truly believe we're out for one thing and after we've gotten it...we're gonna dump the lady in question?
Just out of curiosity, how many women have pulled this same sort of nonsense on us?.
I noticed that most of the responses in this "lack of commitment list" were VERY HOSTILE towards men in general. And given this type of hostility...do you REALLY EXPECT ANY MAN to permanently align himself with any woman who is totally negative about all members of the male gender?
I know I'd probably avoid this type of woman! Simply because she has already 'written me off' before our relationship even got started! Keep in mind that many of us often lose interest in a woman the moment she starts assuming we're going to rush into marriage...or suddenly become exclusive...after only a few weeks of dating!
Pianoguy
I tend to go with PG on this one.
I just broke up with a guy that is a "commitment phobe" and I found this list very helpful. I think most men are wonderful and I have so many male friends that I adore and a handful of ex-boyfriends I am still close with.
The purpose of my posting this is to just raise a little "awareness" that there are PEOPLE (not just men, of course) out there that are like this and being on the back end of this behavior is quite hurtful, damaging to one's self esteem, and confusing. There are some pretty messed up, selfish people out there breaking hearts. I personally have never been one to play games with people's emotions and after doing some research online and reading some books, things are starting to make more sense to me which is comforting.
This list has many "severe" characteristics and it should not be all or nothing. I'm sick of reading these message boards and seeing how devastated some people are. If even a few points raise a few red flags, then it's good to be able to recognize them.
peace
P.S. PG, I 100% agree with you concerning the last paragraph of your reply. I do not believe in rushing into anything and as a woman who has witnessed and even been friends with ladies that are preoccupied with tying a guy down, looking for a rich husband, or whatever the case may be, I feel your frustration. My ex and his new gf (if they are even still together, not sure) were at a family gathering of hers and were meeting her parents after only three and a half weeks after they MET and started dating. That's a little nuts in my opinion, but I hope he enjoys the ride. From what I've heard this new girl and her mother are all about the marriage track and I'm sure she's crossing her T's and dotting her I's to make sure everything falls into place to lead her down that path. In the end, I've discovered he and I are very different and I'm kind of glad he moved on so fast since it clarified everything. Ok, best of luck everyone!
Edited 5/7/2006 10:27 am ET by hangingloose672
PG, WHY on earth would you take a list that is geared towards a specific type of serious issue that *some* men have, and extrapolate it into a list that's supposed to describe men in general? That's not the point of this list at all!!!
Those of us who've had our lives torn apart by a person who suffers from this phobia (actually, I'd say it's more of a mental disorder) can appreciate the warning. That doesn't mean we think "all men" are this way...but the men described by the characteristics on this list DO exist and they should be avoided at all costs.
And the fact that some women may act this way, doesn't negate the fact that some men do. What does one have to do with the other?
Sheri
Sheri...
Pianoguy wants you to s-l-o-w-l-y read the way many of the examples on this list have been phrased.
Sorry to disagree with you on this one, but I found many of the examples identifying commitment phobic traits---a definite form of male bashing!
Very few of the examples rarely separated a certain type of male from NEARLY EVERY MAN RESIDING ON THIS PLANET!
The "warning portions" that you cited I don't take issue with. I agree and acknowledge them. What bothered me was that the text in general was composed by a woman (or group of women) who were obviously very bitter and angry toward men in general. Whether the anger was based on true experiences...or was just a form of "feminine venting"...remains subject to everybody's personal interpretation, doesn't it? You might see an example one way...while I could see it differently?
Anyway...this was the reason I couldn't buy into the "this type of man is scared of making a commitment" argument. Many of the examples that were included could be applied to ALL MALES!
Pianoguy
One of the issues I have with this kind of list is that the "If you're often attracted to this kind of man, you need some kind of coaching" is all the way down the end and is rather nefarious.
When I was attracted to commitmentphobes, it was because I, too, was afraid of commitment but couldn't/wouldn't admit it and was completely unaware of it.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
Oh, come on, PG!!! You don't seriously think anyone with half a brain is going to take a list like that, find ONE or two things on it that applies to a particular man, and say "ooh, he's a commitment phobe", do you?? That's the point of a list like that...it's if the person you're with exhibits LOTS of the points on the list that you need to be careful.
And no, this didn't come from a group of women who are angry and bitter at men in GENERAL. Actually, this type of list was originated by a MALE author (Steven Carter) who did a ton of research on commitment issues and came up with a list of common traits shared by men who have this disorder.
Sheri
I just have to say I could probably check "yes" to 99% of those points on that list in regards to my recent ex. And no, I don't think every guy is a commitmentphobe. That list was not a male bashing list; it is a wake up to those of us out there noticing odd behavior, and other signs so we know how to protect ourselves.
I'm glad this is out there (plus Men Who Can't Love) because now I can see I wasn't imagining things or being unrealistic - the ex exhibited clear signs of this behavior. I'm not saying I'm perfect either, I'm working on my own issues - but this is a good "ah ha" moment if you have never put a label on what your particular relationship could've felt like. And hopefully it will spare *someone* the pain and hurt involved when the c'phobe pulls that rug from under you.
Sheri...
PG certainly doesn't want to dispute Steven Carter's findings.....but looking at the entire commitment phobic list (as an average American male)....I got the vibe that it was put together by a group of women? But I'm sure I wasn't the ONLY one?
I still found the list more of an exercise in MALE BASHING than anything dealing with commitment. But perhaps Steven found stuff in his 'research' that I've overlooked?
Here's something for all ivillagers to think about:
Most men usually know when they're ready to give up their 'single status' and settle down.
WHY? Because we think we've found the woman who can add more to their lives than we already have? For some of us, this can happen the first or "second time around?" For others, it could take us several 'tries' before we realize that we're not cut out to be husbands and fathers?
What bothered me was the 'commitment header' on the post itself. And I honestly didn't like it because it subjected most males to a stereotype.
ALMOST EVERY MAN has a built-in instinct which tells him that having a partner is a better choice than spending life completely alone. And that's our cue to aggressively seek out the woman we're interested in.
Pianoguy
Ok, PG, if you want to believe that this list is meant to be anything other than a list of traits that commitmentphobes may have, then that's your perogative...obviously you feel committed to that position and I'm not going to convince you otherwise.
I know it's not, and the women reading it who have had the misfortune to be involved with men with severe commitment issues and who have had their hearts broken know it's not. Hopefully it will save some other women from heartache as well.
Sheri
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