Commitment Phobic Awareness

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Commitment Phobic Awareness
24
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 8:54pm

After just breaking up with a commitment phobic, I found this website very helpful. I hope it's within the rules to put a link to this website:

http://www.simplysolo.com/relationships/how_to_spot_a_commitment_phobic.html

How To Spot a Commitment Phobic - By: Jane Roder

1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".

2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.

3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.

4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.

5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.

6. These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.

7. Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.

8. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.

9. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.

10. They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.

11. They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.

13. Commitment phobics behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.

14. They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.

15. They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.

16. They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.

17. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.

18. They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.

19. They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.

20. They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.

21. They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.

22. When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.

23. A commitment phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.

24. They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.

25. They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.

26. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.

27. They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.

28. Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.

29. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.

30. Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.

31. They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.

32. They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.

33. They are often unfaithful in relationships.

34. They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.

35. Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.

36. If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.

37. Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc

38. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.

39. These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.

40. The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative belief system about love and relationships.

41. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.

42. Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.

How you handle a commitment phobic

1. Don’t rush into bed with these types of men (or any men for that matter), especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of.

2. Take your time. Listen carefully to a man’s history and leave him as soon as you recognize the behaviours before you get involved and hurt.

3. If he tends to exclude you from other areas of his life the writing is on the wall - beware

4. If you get involved before seeing the behaviours, set the pace with this man. Don’t allow him to set the pace.

5. Act like you don’t need him - stay independent and non-wife like.

6. Realize your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might (that’s if he isn’t a severe case!)

7. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what he does, not what he says.

8. Don’t expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. These types of men are best treated as occasional lovers rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with them. If you do you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You will be left confused, bewildered, angry and hurt.

9. Don’t cut yourself off from dating other men – keep your options open as it is highly likely he is not saving himself for you, nor can he ever give you what you want, need and deserve.

10. Don’t find excuses for his behaviour.

11. Evaluate whether he wants to change and whether he is capable of changing - some men will fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you are.

12. Don’t think it was your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends but learn form it. Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men again. Watch carefully for the behaviours.

13. Take care of yourself first as there is a high chance this man won’t be there for you when you really need him, despite his sweet words when he is in the mood.

14. If you are continually attracting commitment phobics, you will need some coaching to get different results.

15. If you are in pain from a commitment phobic relationship you may need some coaching to heal and move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 3:52pm
Oh boy, I felt like you were describing my ex 80%! Ouch.
Well, that does put a bit of it in perspective, it doesn't lessen the pain but it helps to refocus my mind.
Thanks.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:43pm

PG, I am not sure whether you really don't get it or you just don't want to get it. This is merely an extremely good, researched list of characteristics which describe ONE phobia which truly does exist and does extreme damage to those of us who come in contact with individuals with this phobia. Steven Carter does think it is a true psychological phobia. Many of these individuals are claustrophobic, too.

Mr. Carter clearly states in the book that women can be c-phobes, too.

Just because guys have some of these characteristics does not make them a c-phobe. It is the cluster of these behaviors which he is alerting women (and men) to, so they can avoid the devastating heartbreak and confusion of being with these people.

I have been with two c-phobes who had more than three-fourths of the behaviors, and because they were also charming and loving, the pain of losing them has been excruciating.
How I wish I had had this list before embarking on these relationships, or at least, while I was in them so I could have understood what was happening to me better, and realized it had almost nothing to do with me. It would have saved my self-esteem.

I am not sure whether these people have enough insight into themeselves to be mean and conniving on the front end. The two I was with seemed sincere and loving going into it. But I do know from my own experience, the viciousness some exhibit when departing is really amazing. One of mine said the most horrific, insulting things to me you could imagine, and the other one became angry and violent, so out of character from the way they lovingly romanced me and thought I was "perfect" for them. Mr. Carter believes this comes from their terror of being trapped.

So, I have experienced this cluster of behaviors first-hand twice, whatever you want to label it, and for my own health and sanity I am taking this list to heart because I believe it reflects reality, and I know how devastating these individuals can be, whether they mean to do it or not.

PG, it's just like when you go to your doctor and you get assessed for depression. You may have some of the signs on the list and that is normal, but if you have most of them, then you have a diagnosis of an illness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:39pm

I just know that when I read that list I felt a dark cloud was lifted off me. It is excrutiating and absolutely devastating to be on the back end of one of these relationships. Especially, after memphisstars pointed out, how it's so hard after they've been so loving and charming. Not only has the rug been pulled out from under you, you are left confused and with unanswered questions from a stonecold creep.

peace and love :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:52pm

I agree that this is not a list of male bashing.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 2:06pm

memphisstars...

Your point is well taken and acknowledged by Pianoguy.

While Steven has obviously done his "homework" and his research hits a home run with several ivillage ladies...I guess I didn't particularly care for the way the research was written.

Then again...thats why the boards are here...so each of us can express his or her opinion?

As I've indicated in several of my earlier posts (on this and other L&S message boards), there are men and women out there who have no business being married TO ANYBODY! The desire or curiosity might be initially present, but their ability to 'stick with a partner during good times and bad' really isn't there!

Pianoguy

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 6:01pm

Thanks, Piano Guy, for not taking offense at my rather pointed post. You are right the book is written in pop-psychology speak and aims to tap into the pain and confusion of the ladies who have been in relationship with these confused guys. Maybe if I were a man, I would pick up more on the tone of it that you seem to have.

I totally agree with your last paragraph!

I really enjoy your well-thought-out postings and the fact that you give us a male viewpoint and angle on things that is unique. Thanks for being a great poster!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 8:29am
One must not always jump to the conclusion that the other partner was even partly to blame for this and has emotional/psychological problems that need attention. Just because someone was in one of these relationships and discovered they were also at fault does not automatically assume everyone is as well, although it may be comforting to assume that since one possesses these tendancies that everyone else does too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 8:30am
Websites and the methods in which they attempt to gain customers when they both advertise and take advantage of emotionally vulnerable prospects is quite disturbing and unethical. It's pretty disturbing and desperate when others try to financially exploit someone at such a vulnerable time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 11:31am
I have to say that several of these really hit home; so many but especially this one
"They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely."
I always felt as if I was walking on eggshells to try to make my ex happy and this last time absolutely nothing was wrong with the relationship, but he still had excuses and laid the blame on me for it ending. No matter how hard you try not to let it affect your self image, it does. I always knew he was somewhat of a 'loner' and commitmentphobe, but I never really got the extent of his issues. Thanks for helping me realize that his bad decisions and hurtful actions were not "my fault"...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 6:13pm
I don't know about anyone else, but i'm TOTALLY disturbed by the prevalence of this problem. WHY ARE SO MANY OF US DRAWN TIME AND AGAIN TO THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE (and for Piano Guy, I'm sure there are as many women as men who suffer from this problem...)??? I'm so discouraged with how appealing this kind of guy continues to be for me, in my late 30's. Done the therapy thing, read all the books, don't see how things are going to change...