Commitment Phobic leaves me (AGAIN)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Commitment Phobic leaves me (AGAIN)
5
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:52pm

My boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up 8 weeks ago. He is the pattern the book "Why Men Can't Love" used! No cheating but at each stage of the game - 1. exclusivity - 2, going 3. to church together- 4. traveling to his family's- and then ultimately in couples counseling together and each time we had to break up at least 6 weeks to 7 months! The seven months was about two years ago when we had been dating 5 years and seeing each other every single day, traveling together, all our families were close, church together, weddings, funerals, birth of my grandson together - EVERYTHING. He had promised to tell his folks and then when he balked he promised to go to counseling together when we got back to town. When he procrastinated about counseling appt (after two months) and I confronted him - he bolted. Said I am just not cut out for this- I feel the walls closing in- I love you need you - never came closer to this with anyone other than you. AND poof!- he's gone for seven months ( I never called, wrote, phoned, etc. ) Then he comes back into my life. Promised counseling ( I insisted he go alone first). He did for six months then asked me to join him in couples counseling. We did that for over a year! Promises from him in counseling of marriage, buying house. We read all the books together - worked hard together (counselor says that he is a true "phobic" - has true anxiety disorder). Counselor said over and over it was not me- We had just been together on wonderful trip = had a wonderful family-filled Thanksgiving and then he calls (after a counseling session). Does not show up in person. Says he just cannot marry or be engaged. Says I must know how much he loves me- Says he would not have gone through one and a half years of counseling if he did not love me and fears losing me, BUT we need to go our separate ways!

He calls three weeks later- to confirm. Wants me to know he misses me and all of my family (my dog, etc.) but he knows I wanted marriage and that I would not be happy without it (after seven years) and he just feels like he is going to die. Says he was having anxiety attacks every morning when he woke up. (I witnessed one earlier before we broke up - he literally had to hang the phone up and call me back).

He called three weeks later and did not leave a message. I did not call him back.
Well, ladies. I am hurting now. Missing him like nobody's business. Longing for him. Agonizing over this. I cannot believe that we can get that close and then he can throw it all away!

I am still seeing the counselor (will continue to do so for as long as it takes). I know intellectually that he has a true mental/anxiety disorder (has other decision-making issues) but we were really honestly very happy! He became so vulnerable in therapy. I did as well. I truly trusted him and believed him when he told the counselor and I that he was going to work through the counseling process so that we could be happily married one day!

HELP! Please help. I do not run into him at all but he lives close to where I live. I want to call him so bad BUT I am determined I will not.

thank you for any advice you can give me!
sunelady

I look forward to your responses but have to run to hospital to visit a girlfriend with stomach cancer! Poor poor thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:26pm

<<>>>

He is who he is and you cannot change him. You know he has a pattern that won't change. You still have hopes and long for a "change", but deep down you know that the change won't be permanent. All what he can do is make empty promises.

Even if it hurts don't return his calls or call him back. You want to start your road to recovery and break the destructive cycle where you are. He will keep on calling because he knows that you were by his side for 7 long years. He wants to make things right, but he can't. He wants you in his life to be in control somehow, but it's not fair to you. Take time for yourself and enjoy your own company. Easier said than done, but it's possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:04pm

Hi sunelady,


Sounds like he wants to keep you on a string, just in case he ever changes his mind. He's not going to do what's in your best interest, so you are going to have to be the one to do it. That means setting boundaries and sticking to them.


Have you read: He's Scared. She's Scared. by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol - it might answer some additional questions.


Sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully, you will get stronger every day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:59pm

Oh yes-and I forgot to mention- he is over 48 years old and NEVER BEEN MARRIED!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 6:15pm

I can sympathize with your situation, really. A little over a year ago, my boyfriend of six and a half years just left. We had the marriage discussion many times..me being the totally dumb girl who was so "in love" with him, said it was ok if we weren't married. He would go back and forth between being cold for a week, to looking at houses and talking about our future children the next. We lived together for 5 1/2 years, basically as though we were already married. I also helped financially support him the entire time.

When he (yes he) finally ended it, it was because he said he never wanted to get married or have kids, and he didn't think it was fair to me. He moved out 2 days later. We tried for about a month, but then basically told me he just wanted to be friends with "benefits". I then ignored him for nearly a year. No calls. No emails, nothing. Recently, I found out he was leaving the country - so I, wanting closure, sent him an email - we got together for drinks. That was all fine, because I got to realize then and only then that I was over him - and that he was not the same person of nearly 8 years ago. Of course, after this revelation of mine - he has been sending me messages stating that I am the 'rose he smelled only when he walked away' and the 'best thing that ever happend to him' - bla bla bla. It still doesn't change the fact that he is the one that left, and broke my heart.. many, many times.

So, the moral of the story here is - ignore him. Don't answer his calls, or emails.. don't send him messages even if you want to. Write a letter but don't send it if you have to. The distance from him may make you realize it's the idea of him, and not truly him that you want (as was in my case). If you can do this for six months and still want him back - well, chances are, the fact that you walked away will only make him want you more and hopefully realize that he maybe CAN commit. Maybe he also needs to date some other people - to get the 'there's something better out there' thoughts out of his head. Only when you step away from the situation (both of you) will you be able to gain any objectivity and judge whether what you have is even worth saving. My personal opinion - love shouldn't have to be that hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:28am

Thank you - Thank you - Thank you

Your response came at a time when I needed it most- thinking I might call and leave him a voicemail asking him why he called me two weeks ago and did not leave a message. It's agonizing to think that he can just leave "us". He and his twin brother run their own successful company. He and I were two very independent people. I have my girlfriends and my kids. He had his business (with his brother) and me. That's it. If he was not at the office we were together (but not living together).

My youngest just graduated from high school this past summer so that removed that "excuse" but we were covering all his anxieties in counseling. The doctor asked him to read "The Peter Pan Syndrome" - I think maybe that might have scared him too.

The doctor says he suffers from a full-blown anxiety disorder and phobia. (have you read "Why Men Can't Love"?) I am seeing the counselor and in a Celebrate Recovery group each week.

I cannot thank you enough for your thoughts. Please tell me how you got through the grieving process.