commitmentphop's - do they stop feeling
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commitmentphop's - do they stop feeling
| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 6:37pm |
Hi - I have a question for anyone that has experience dealing with men that are afraid of commitment. I have read the suggested books - and I know it is about their fear - but what happens to their feelings?
One minute my ex was telling me how much he loves and needs me and the next minute - he is so freaked out he can't complete a sentence. As he has pulled away we have remained in consistent contact. But it is evident to me that his feelings for me have changed. He is colder towards me most times. He's lost that loving feeling, even though he has said otherwise. Do the feelings just disappear overnight. He makes plans with me and then when I see him he seems very uncomfortable & like he dosn't want me to be there. So I say - "i'm going to take off now" and he says "why"?
I just want to know if he fooled himself into thinking he loved me all along - or if the feelings just died?
One minute my ex was telling me how much he loves and needs me and the next minute - he is so freaked out he can't complete a sentence. As he has pulled away we have remained in consistent contact. But it is evident to me that his feelings for me have changed. He is colder towards me most times. He's lost that loving feeling, even though he has said otherwise. Do the feelings just disappear overnight. He makes plans with me and then when I see him he seems very uncomfortable & like he dosn't want me to be there. So I say - "i'm going to take off now" and he says "why"?
I just want to know if he fooled himself into thinking he loved me all along - or if the feelings just died?

No, I don't think they stop feeling, exactly...but I do think that the fear they feel blots out and overrides all of their other feelings. In your case, his fear is making him act more coldly towards you.
That's why so many c'phobes want to try again...after they break up with you and run away, and the fear subsides, the underlying feelings "bloom" again...so they come back around for another shot. But of course once they get back into a situation that feeds their fears, the fears come back and blot out their feelings again...it's a never-ending cycle.
Remember, also, that some c'phobes have SO much trouble with commitment, they can't even commit to breaking up with you! They want to have their cake and eat it to, like your guy is doing. It's up to YOU to set the boundaries.
Sheri
My ex gets colder each time I see him. This morning I called him to wish him a happy birthday and we talked for a few minutes till I told him I hadn't put oil in my car & he snapped big time at me for complaining or something stupid like that. He just snapped - and got off the phone really quick. He is coming over in a few days to get his kids stuff out of the garage & that will be that. I don't need to set the boundaries - he has pushed me so far away at this point that even if I wanted to continue to be an idiotic glutton for punishment the option wouldn't be there. He has set the boundaries for me. He is done - and I am at the point where denial has faded and reality has set in & now I can't breath. I miss him so much that I can't think straight. Every thought is consumed by him.
But, he has been clear and he seems to ready to make me a distant memory. He wont be back - this is a done deal and I have to face that. I gave him the "He's scared, she's scared" book - I hope he reads it & it helps him in some way.
Thanks for all the advice. Whatever dosn't kill us makes us stronger.
I hope you didn't give him *your* copy...because he almost certainly WILL be back. I know it doesn't seem like that's possible now...but it almost always seems to happen (and it usually seems to happen months down the road after you've mostly moved on and have healed).
It's also helpful to re-read when you're 2nd guessing yourself about whether there was anything you could have done differently to avoid this result (there isn't).
Hang in there...once he gets the stuff and if he *really* stops contacting you, then you can start healing.
Sheri