committment phobes.
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:10pm |
why is it that so many guys are scared of committment?
i thought i was the only one until i looked around this board and saw how many people are in the same boat as me. i just don't get it...what are they so scared of?
i'm going through a rough time with my boyfriend, and i think we're going to break up soon...if not soon than eventually, because he's SCARED.
we're in a LDR, and we don't live a few hours away...we live across the country from one another. we are good for one another. we're compatible, we love eachother, everything is great in my opinion. but of course, he has to ruin it because he's scared of the committment that goes along with our relationship. neither of us wants to move, but we have only been together for about 6 months or so. i told him that it's ok we don't have a plan yet, why can't we continue seeing eachother and letting our relationship develop and THEN we will be sure about what to do. i'm not even asking for him to plan on moving here anytime soon. i'm just asking to continue with our relationship but for some reason that's scary to him. i wish he would just grow up.
we're still together but we have been dealing with his uncertainty for the past month or so. i have cried almost everyday because it hurts me that he can't be sure about us. he doesn't know when he is going to be sure. he doesn't know how long it will take to come around or decide that he can't do this anymore. i love him so much but this hurts worse than anything i have experienced. one minute he'll act like everything is fine, and then next he gets all dicey again. i just don't understand it. i know that committment is scary, but if i can do it, why can't he? doesn't he love me like i love him?
sorry, i just need to vent. this situation is tiring me out and i don't know how much more i can take.

Pages
I know it's tough...I've been there, for sure. My LDR lasted 18 months and he ended it by just disappearing on me...he just stopped calling after a year and a half.
If I had it to do over again, I would have ended it myself when he started waffling about things. We'd agreed that he would move to where I am (because he didn't like where he was living anyway) but he balked at actually making the move, even when Hurricane Katrina provided a very unfortunate but natural opportunity for him to do so (he ended up moving to a different city as a result anyway).
That said, I do think six months is too soon to be "sure" about a relationship, especially a LD one. So I think some uncertainty at this point is to be expected. For better or worse, though, the only way you're going to be (more) sure about whether it's going to work out between you is if one of you moves and you actually are together on a regular basis for a while. And that's a big scary step to take...moving without being sure. But that's the risk you take when you're in a LDR.
In any event, if you're going to stay in this, you need to find a way to be ok with the uncertainty. Or end it, if you can't deal with it.
Sheri
I'm sending hugs your way because I too was in (2) LDRs before and they are very draining. I think Sheri and I share similar stories and feelings on this topic (I had to check in on your story when I read it :) Plus, mine was also a *country* away, not a few hrs like most LDRs.
I have noticed throughout the board as well about the guys running away... some do it upfront, some string along, some even go so far as buying the engagement ring and still nothing's a guarantee with them. I guess it's just how it is and there's not much we can do to change it (although we try... holding back, not bringing up "us", etc.)
I agree with Sheri, 6 mos. into this relationship is still early, but if you're feeling tormented already, you may have to do some soul searching. What do you want, bottom line? Because if you wait around for Mr. Wishy Washy, you could very well end up getting hurt. But relationships are a gamble.
Have you read the commitmentphobe 'bible', Men Who Can't Love? It really opened my eyes after my first LDR... it gave me solace and the "this is exactly him!" moments of clarity. It may help answer some of the questions you ask.
Take care and hang in there :)
Hey,
My advice to you is to get out of it as soon as you can. My ex did this to me for 5 years and last year i asked him if he thought we would get engaged soon. He said yes, we went and bought the ring, looked for an apartment and then he did it to me again. Said he wasn't sure about me and wasnt sure that I was the one and also wasnt sure when he would know. Needless to say we broke up because I got tired of putting up with his bs for the 3rd and final time. This guy will not change and he wiill keep playing around with you until he has made up his mind 100% and at the point you may really get hurt.
Anyway, so many of us have been thru the commitment phobes and are here for you. Good luck and stay strong.
Catgirl *hugs*
thanks everyone for your responses.
sometimes i feel like i can deal with the uncertainty and at other times i feel so horrible. right now i'm fighting back the tears (i'm at work) and i cry at random times when i think about it and i'm in the wrong mood. this is just so hard...i love him so much and when i think about how wonderful it is when we're together, i can't stand the thought of losing him. but i feel that this relationship is taking such a huge toll on me and i need to do something about it. i don't know if i am strong enough to end it. i'm so attached that i don't think i ever will.
thanks for listening everyone.
Wow, it seems I'm reading my story in your words.
Right now, I'm in the middle of a 'breakup' that really isn't a breakup.
Six months, 10 hours driving... I'm moving to his city...
I really don't know what to tell you. I'm stuck in the 'I know it is going to work out' mode and can't convince myself otherwise.
I've even lost a friend over this. I had called her the night he broke up with me hysterical and now that I tell her I want to be with him and that I'm still talking to him, she has told me that she doesn't want to hear about him anymore. If he breaks my heart, she doesn't want to hear it.
Hi lil_diva, Your situation sounds SO much like mine. I am undergoing the very same situation, and I am heartbroken, and living with question marks all over, everyday of my life. I am sad and angry over this everyday. Known each other 7 months now, LDR..opposite sides of the country, I love him very much, but he can't even use the L word yet. He is afraid of the word "relationship", "commitment", "expectations" etc etc. All of which is so normal...but to him, it's overwhelming, he says. He is such a silent guy..and I had to literally prod him to talk about the why's. It's still so vague. He says he doesn't think he can handle expectations and live up to what's needed in a relationship. I told him that all I ever want is for him to tell me clearly that he would like to be with me, and THEN we can see what happens and where it all leads to. But he still seems to keep believing that he can't walk that line. I have started to wonder, what exactly might have happened in his past that has formed such fears, such opinions. He had spoken about 2 different girls in the past who he had pursued, but got nowhere with, coz they weren't interested. So he has been through the one-sided love situations. Perhaps that affected him deeply?
There have been too many times I have tried to break it off with him, but I keep returning to him. He is also not emotionally available with me. He had confessed that he does have feelings. I can see it in his actions and words that he cares. He calls me every single day on his own. And yet, he can't move further.
I just don't know what to do. I empathize with what you might be going through.
I don't know if I can just be on a friend level with him, and put a break on all my feelings. It's not easy at all, and it breaks my heart to not be able to express how I am feeling for him. I sometimes wonder if by moving on, I might be ruining a perfectly good prospect. Maybe this situation just needs some patience and time?
Will he ever come around? I don't know.
Do write back, and let me know how things are with you.
It is nice to find someone who can relate with what I am going through.
Currently, I am just trying to focus on other things, and avoiding pressuring him. I.e. no relationship talk. I think you should try to do the same. But being in touch with him and not being able to talk to him as a "partner" hurts me. Not hearing "I miss you" or "I love you" from him, hurts me. I know he likes me, and yet, he is so afraid of taking a step forward, of getting in touch with his feelings.
Best wishes to you. Hope things brighten up and move towards where we would like them to move....
I definitely understand where you are coming from. It must be really hard to not be able to say I love you or hear it from him. With my situation, we do say those things, which might actually make it harder. I don't know.
We got into an argument last week and it blew up into this huge thing. He started saying this stuff about how he doesn't know if we will ever get used to eachother. Saying that he doesn't know if he will ever get used to my sensitivity. He's tired of walking on eggshells, etc. It hurt me so much. I have gone through so much for him and he's complaining because I'm sensitive?! So I pretty much went off on him and told him that maybe he should think about WHY I'm sensitive and that this situation is not easy for me. I told him that he's lucky the only complaint he has about me is that I'm sensitive, I could be a lot worse things. I said that I've been right here with him, supporting him, being understanding, patient, and loving every step of the way. That sure shut him up. He knows it's true. I give him so much and he's still "unsure".
So anyway, we sort of came to an understanding that night and we've been good since.
I haven't really brought up a lot of relationship talk, I've just been trying to have good and pleasant conversations. I've been really loving and as light hearted as possible. It's really confusing...because he responds so well to it that it makes me feel like I'm making headway. So then I brought up when we're gonna see eachother again and he said he was going to check his finances on Wednesday and see when he will be able to help me fly out there to see him. I'm trying not to get excited because he's always hot and cold. It's hard to not get excited though when things are good...but I know it will just hurt me more when he gets dicey again.
UGH this sucks.
So tell me more about your situation. How old are you and how old is he? How did you meet...etc? I know what you mean about being torn as to whether or not you should move on. I feel like that too...like I could be giving up something that would end up being so wonderful. These are hard times :-\
It's nice to have someone to relate to though.
guys are so stupid.
LOL yeah I know.
I was going to move anyway, I just went ahead and picked his city to make it easier for our relationship. I can work anywhere...
Pages