Committment Phoebic Relationship Ends
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| Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:10pm |
Well...it has been a wild week! To start with, my BF and I are successful professionals in a bi continent relationship. He just moved from Japan to Sydney and was planning to ask me to marry him. He has had the engagement ring since a vaction we took to Hawaii 8 months ago, and where he swore he was going to propose. We are normal simple good people, with everything in common, strong family values, and both desire to be married and have a family. We began dating 7 years ago and due to being on different continents have relied heavily on vacations 4-5 times per year/ ability to work remotely/ email and daily phone calls. For the most part we are very happy especially when we are together.
4 years ago though, he cheated on me with a younger Japanese woman. We broke up for a bit but kept in constant communication as in my heart we are soul mates. We eventually got back together, but he was very clear that he did not wnat me in his life in Japan, when I offered to move. So I let this go on, with the hope one day his company would send him home. This summer I was in Japan and discovered traces of another woman. I confronted him and said I did not want this. He begged and pleaded and cried in my arms that it was a 1 night thing and he had not seen her anymore. Knowing the distance was hard and seeing his impassioned plea, I decided to forgive him.
In August, we found out he was relocating to Sydney. I was working in Asia so we took time in Sydney to find a house together and get to know our way around. My company was transferring me and he was getting my visa. All was going to be ok. He was supposed to propose again but could not quite yet. I said OK. Two weeks later I flew back and we continued to build a strong foundation in Sydney. I still expected the ring and would just get frustrated as I had seen it, when he would not give it to me. My last trip there he said he could not do it, and we broke up in a tear filled way. However we continued to communicate each day.
2 weeks after that, he called me one day sounding odd and how much he loved me and missed me and looked forward to seeing me in the US during the holidays. I called his corporate apartment back and a Japanese woman picked up the phone. I asked who she was and introduced myself as his wife (a little lie - but I was shocked!). Apparently he had been dating another Japanese woman for 3 years! I could not believe it! He called me everyday, only took trips with me, yet 2 weeks after he broke up with me, even though he has the enaggement ring he was telling this woman she was moving there! I forwarded her all of our visa docuementation, pictures of our last vacations with dates and places etc.
I then calmed down and through the magic of 3 way conf call, called him at work. I said' Do you really love me and miss me?' And he said, 'I really love you and miss you.' I then said with the other woman listening to this ...'Do you really love and miss so and so also?'. She hung up and I proceeded to tell him to never contact me or come near me again...He immediately panicked and said she meant nothing it was over, he loved me, I am his soul mate etc. It got worse as he went home and when I called him back in front of her, he said the same thing in front of her. I felt sorry for her but was angry.
He has proceeded to call everyday and said he was ready to build our life together. During the holidays he talked about me moving there in front of his family and we talked about the situation. I said I was afraid of it ever happening again, but he assured me it was only distance that called this. We had a great time and I flew to my house aday before he was to arrive as we were spending some holidays just alone.
He called shortly before he was to leave, I was even cooking his favorite brisket...and said he did not think it a good idea he come and he did not wnat to marry me. He was crying, but said we should go our separate ways. He was afraid of hurting me again and said he was unsure he could make me happy. He then said if we were truely soul mates he could never have cheated on me. According to the book He Said, She Said...he pretty much exhibits all the signs of a committment phoebic. I asked him to still come to talk with me face to face, but found out he planned to spend NY with Japanese friends living in SF, and had changed his ticket the day before. I feel so betrayed.
I am heartbroken and have finally stopped crying. I have xtended my lease today at considerable cost for 6 months while I figure out life. He is not a bad person, in fact in every other area of his life I admire him...but he just got up and left after 7 years! There is no way for me to even get in touch with him as his int'l cell does not work here. He just dissappeared and I feel abandoned! Some one please help.... How can a man keep telling a woman he loves her buys her a ring, yet cheats... so confusing! I think he will call in a few weeks... but I can't do the roller coaster anymore....
Lost my soul mate.... when will the pain end??
Edited 12/30/2006 8:59 am ET by yvette0001

I am sorry you have to go through this. You know action speaks louder than words. He cheated on you more than once and sounds like a drama king. Please stay away from this guy and do not let him hurt you again.
You are very strong and patient woman, and you deserve a lot better. I was also in a LDR, so I know how hard it must be. It took me awhile to realize it was really over, but I am doing much better than I expected two months after the breakup.
I highly recommend keeping no contact. It is hard but I think this is the only way to get through long distance breakups. And take good care of yourself.
I cannot tell you when, but you will feel better once you start to see the bigger picture.
This doesn't sound like a commitmentphobic man, he sounds like a run-of-the-mill, lyin', cheatin' SOB.
yeah that sucks, you need someone who's honest. and i agree with the last post that your terming this guy as a commitment phobia- when he's just a cheater. dont downpaly what he truely is. i've done that and been hurt for believing elsewise.
and it is terrible to know that you've placed your heart on to someone strongly and they've done nothing but abuse it.I like the 3 way touch-that was cool-everything is out on the open-now the hard part is not to turn back. this guy has done you/her wrong from the very beginning. i wish you the strenght to stay clear from him.
Thank you - and I know what you say is true. It is just so hard, he was my best friend. Three days ago we were holding hands and talking to his family about me moving to Sydney. Today I am changing my apartment lease. When we were together we seemed so happy....I just don't understand how he could do this? He was crying and saying how much he loved me, but if he said if I was the one how could he do the things he did?
It just hurts so much. We had our lives planned and in the blink of an eye - they are gone and I feel lost and alone. I just want to go back in time...
I know, and I'm truly sorry about all the disappointment.
You've seen evidence of other women over the years but didn't want to really see it because it was so painful. Trust me, in the terms of a soulmate, your real one would not treat you this way.
Don't paint the relationship better than it was. This guy was leading a double life the entire time because he could. You took him back after the first time he cheated - he felt he got away with it and continued to do exactly what he wanted to do.
So sorry you have to go through this pain. It's horrible.
Carrie
Got on to get help from all of you and saw this message.
My boyfriend and I of 7 years broke up 8 weeks ago. He is the pattern the book "Why Men Can't Love" used! No cheating but at each stage of the game - exclusivity - going to church together- traveling to his family's- and then ultimately in couples counseling together we had to break up at least 6 weeks to 7 months! The seven months was about two years ago when we had been dating 5 years and seeing each other every single day, traveling together, all our families were close, church together, weddings, funerals, birth of my grandson together - EVERYTHING. He had promised to tell his folks and then when he balked he promised to go to counseling together when we got back to town. When he procrastinated about counseling appt (after two months) and I confronted him - he bolted. Said I am just not cut out for this- I feel the walls closing in- I love you need you - never came closer to this with anyone other than you. AND poof!- he's gone for seven months ( I never called, wrote, phoned, etc. ) Then he comes back into my life. Promised counseling ( I insisted he go alone first). He did for six months then asked me to join him in couples counseling. We did that for over a year! Promises from him in counseling of marriage, buying house. We read all the books together - worked hard together (counselor says that he is a true "phobic" - has true anxiety disorder). Counselor said over and over it was not me- We had just been together on wonderful trip = had a wonderful family-filled Thanksgiving and then he calls (after a counseling session). Does not show up in person. Says he just cannot marry or be engaged. Says I must know how much he loves me- Says he would not have gone through one and a half years of counseling if he did not love me and fears losing me, BUT we need to go our separate ways!
He calls three weeks later- to confirm. Wants me to know he misses me and all of my family (my dog, etc.) but he knows I wanted marriage and that I would not be happy without it (after seven years) and he just feels like he is going to die. Says he was having anxiety attacks every morning when he woke up. (I witnessed one earlier before we broke up - he literally had to hang the phone up and call me back).
He called three weeks later and did not leave a message. I did not call him back.
Well, ladies. I am hurting now. Missing him like nobody's business. Longing for him. Agonizing over this. I cannot believe that we can get that close and then he can throw it all away!
I am still seeing the counselor (will continue to do so for as long as it takes). I know intellectually that he has a true mental/anxiety disorder (has other decision-making issues) but we were really honestly very happy! He became so vulnerable in therapy. I did as well. I truly trusted him and believed him when he told the counselor and I that he was going to work through the counseling process so that we could be happily married one day!
HELP! Please help. I do not run into him at all but he lives close to where I live. I want to call him so bad BUT I am determined I will not.
thank you for any advice you can give me!
sunelady
Hi sunelady, I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.
I know right now the world makes no sense! How could someone you have been so close with so happy, not make the one committment that says you will be together forever? I still live it too. I think the question to ask...do you need to be married? Could you accept just being together but separate?
For me I could not as he lives in another coountry and we both want children. He is still calling, telling me he misses me but backing away slowly. He refuses to answer emails and still tells me he loves me and wants to make it right...but he is on a journey of self discovery to understand why he is so fearful and I was not invited for the ride.
I personally am stronger through therapy and find that I start to lapse only when we have spoken. I am trying so very hard not to take his phone calls anymore. It sounds like you have already been this route though.
I am sure he loves you, but ask yourself...is marriage so important to loose this person? I have been asking myself alot. For me...it is... for you the answer may be different.
I wish you luck and a big hug.... men are complex... I still hope and pray everyday for mine..but know I must focus on me.
Good luck.....