This community rocks (Long one, sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
This community rocks (Long one, sorry)
3
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 4:18pm

Hey everyone,

It's been almost two weeks since I got dumped. I flew out to see my long distance boyfriend and he dumped me on our second night together. It was horrible. All these things came out - that he had cheated on me, that he feels he is "unable to love", that he is "uncomfortable accepting love", he doesn't have time for me anymore, he has fallen out of love with me, etc...

Luckily my parents live in a nearby city, so I was able to take refuge in their house for the remainder of my stay. During those next eight days, I cried and cried until my eyelids swelled up, I ate next to nothing because of the giant lump in my throat and pretty much explored the lowest depths of emotion I've ever felt. He was my friend, we talked every night for hours, he had told me time and time again he wanted to marry me and make babies together and that he loved me and missed me... I just couldn't understand anything. We talked on the phone a few times, mostly deciding whether it was a break or a complete breakup, and deciding whether I would go to his record release show that I had timed my visit to be able to go to. He wanted me there "as a friend", because I had "been so supportive of the process". I initially was thrilled that he still wanted me there, and I thought that I would look so pretty in my dres that night, we would surely make up... But then I came to my senses ("as a friend"? WTF?) and didn't go, and he definitely disinvited me after a few e-mails I sent him.

The day of my return flight back to my city, I stopped by his apartment to drop some of his things off. We talked. It came out that there is another girl he wants to be with (and I now realize he has already been seeing her), and that when he envisions his future, he envisions it with her.

I was devastated - all these things he had said to me about love and the name of our baby and us being old together - how could things change so quickly???? I went to the airport feeling emptier than I've ever felt in my entire life.

Within the past few days, I got to talk to a couple of his ex-girlfriends. Turns out he had told them the same things... used the same exact lines... picked how many kids they'd have, where they'd get married, etc. He had even been seeing one of these girls for the first two weeks he was seeing me! She finally called him when she hadn't heard from him in a while and he told her on the phone he "didn't think they were headed in the same direction." We had been sleeping together for two weeks by that time.

So now I know he was a cad all along. I'm unclear about whether he ever loved me the way he said he did and he's just one of those guys who falls in and out of love easily, or if it was all just a game to him. Maybe he had been seeing several other girls besides the ones I know about. The one ex of his I talked to told me all the things he used to say to her... they were the same exact things he said to me. I'm still reeling from all of this - we had so many amazing times together. I was sure he was my soulmate. I talked to him about everything. We've laughed and cried together. We've been through a lot. I can't help but think about the way we used to dance together in his apartment, or the cute things he said to me... it's really hard. Even harder is that he is really smart, talented, and sexy in this uniquely attractive way. I've been going through the motions of getting out and spending time with friends, going out dancing with girlfriends, and flirting with other guys, but time I talk to someone else, I just sit there and think "He isn't Matt." When I hear something funny or I'm just plain bored, I want to call him to talk... but then I remember that I can't and all the reasons that I can't and it all comes crashing back to me. I just can't believe this all happened. Making matters worse is that we will need to work together pretty closely for six weeks this fall. Despite everything that I know in my head, my heart keeps holding out a little hope that we will begin dating again. I really do still love this guy.

Anyway, the point of this long post is to say thank you to everyone on these boards who is taking the time to write responses to all of us newly heartbroken people. This board has helped me a lot. Relationships and breakups are so complicated, and the fact that so many other people in one place "get it" and are willing to help has been a godsend. I know I'd have to get through all of this in one way or another, but this message board is making it much easier. I haven't been able to reply to anyone else's post just yet - I think I need to achieve my own clarity before I try to help anyone else - but I will someday return the favors. You all truly rock. Thank you so, so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 4:42pm

And one more question...

The past two weeks have truly opened my eyes about the power of female friendship. Help has come from the most unlikely sources. A random friend of his that I met only once went out on a limb to help me, offered me a place to stay, listened to me vent about everything, and was so there for me that it's unbelievable. I bonded with another ex-girlfriend of his (the one he had been seeing when we started dating) who has made me feel so much better about the end of our relationship. I only wish I knew then what she knew and what I know now.

The question is about this new girl he is dating. She seems sane, friendly, funny, and really cool. I know how to get in touch with her, although we've only been introduced once (I don't remember her) and we've never met since. I think they have been dating or hooking up for at least a couple weeks. I don't think she knows he was still seeing me, or maybe was under the impression that we were rocky or were already breaking up when they began dating. I have no doubt he is saying to her all the things he said to me and his other exes to make her fall in love with him.

Do I tell her what I know? After everything that has happened to me, I wish I had known these things about him before. But I also know I was deeply in love with him and thought what we had was special and different. Probably exactly what she is thinking. I wouldn't have accepted hearing these things about him, and I know she wouldn't be ready to hear them either. But do I owe it to her to tell her anyway? I would feel like a traitor to my gender just standing by and letting the same thing happen to her. It would make me sick to see him keep up this little routine with new unsuspecting girls. And at least if she knew these things, she could be wary of him until he proves otherwise. Should I e-mail her and tell her anything? The whole story? Or just tell her if she ever wants to talk to me, she can? Nothing at all?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 6:06pm
If I was the new girlfriend and I'm infatuated with my new boyfriend, I will probably just think you're saying all those things because you're jealous and want him back, or want revenge. I think you should give yourself some time to heal first and get him totally out of your system. After that, if you still feel strongly about approaching her, at least you'll be able to discuss things objectively without getting carried away with your emotions. Although you may have good intentions (and looking back I wish I had been able to talk to ex-girlfriends of guys I've dated to get the real scoop), this may backfire on you. Be careful.
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:38am
I am so glad you found the support you were looking for.