Completely lost
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| Sun, 06-03-2007 - 6:30pm |
I've been around Ivillage for a few years and I'm hoping I can receive advice on my current situation.
My ex and I broke up Friday. It's a VERY long and drawn out story. We met through my sister (they are best friends). Both were in the military. He moved to the state I'm in after Katrina (his home was destroyed) and to be closer to my sister.
We started out as FWB and then it obviously progressed into feelings. However, he told me from the beginning that he wasn't ready for a commitment or to settle down. (he's 28, I'm 24). Two weeks ago I told him I was in love with him. I didn't expect anything in return because I knew deep down he didn't feel the same way. We've been fighting a lot and Friday was one of our big fights. We both decided it wasn't working and we needed space. He has stated that he does care a lot about me it's just that we aren't on the same page. He isn't ready to settle down and be committed. We've been together a year and a half and I don't really understand where he's coming from when he states "I don't want to commit or settle down".....He's been with me and only me for over a year? How's that NOT commitment?
The problem I'm facing right now, and the reason I think we have had so many problems is because he and I live RIGHT next door to each other in our apartment building. And, he and I both live RIGHT next door to my sister (his best friend).
Neither one of us can afford to move out. I have absolutely NO clue what to do. How can I move on from a man that I'm in love with if I have to fear coming home every day because I might see him? I can hear him walking around his apartment, hear his radio. I'm so lost. I have nowhere to go and no friends to move in with (99% of my friends are married or have children).
I need some type of advice.


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I lived across the road from my boyfriend when we broke up and I thought that was bad!
I suggest a meeting, possibly with your sister involved, to set up ground rules until one of you has the money to move somewhere else. The first rule would be to keep it civilised - no ignoring each other in the hallway, just a civilised hi or nod, sort out times to separately visit your sister, things like that. In the meantime I suggest going to lots of movies or whatever will keep you out of your apartment when he is home so you don't have to listen to him moving around.
Go easy on yourself, you will get through this. And from what you've said about his attitude to commitment, it really is the best thing that you split up. I know you don't want to hear that, but you are doing the right thing.
Hi there, and thanks for your reply!
I definitely see what you're saying and believe me, it's a VERY difficult jam. I don't think he and I will be ready to move out anytime soon. We're both very pinched for cash. I feel so helpless. I want to be civilized but then again, how in the world do I ever move on if I have to SEE him. It's like pouring salt in a open wound every single day.
I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.
Can you go camp out with a friend or family for a while? Like a week, just to get yourself away from him? I live 1 mile from my ex and can barely run to the store without feeling terrible and being afraid I'll see him, I don't know how you're doing it. You must be very strong.
See if you can spend a few nights with a friend or family member, just to give yourself a rest. Could you and your sister pool resources to get a new place together? Or could you talk to your landlord about moving to another building?
Be strong girlfriend, you can do this. I'm sorry that you have to.
Patti
I'm trying my hardest to be strong. I'm so miserable. You'd have to understand the structure of our apartment building. It's very old and in the historic district of my downtown area. My sister does live right next door, but she lives with her husband. So, it's not like she and I can move out together.
It's hopeless isn't it? I'm at work this morning and I just want to run to the bathroom and sob. I don't know what to do.
(((((((((deliriousdiana)))))))))))))
I'm so sorry, wish I could make you feel better. Its hard to keep it together.Try to keep busy. If not then go on into the ladies room and have a little breakdown if you can. Sometimes it just has to come out. Isn't there a friend you can stay with for just a night or two? Long enough to get a little stronger?
We broke up Friday night. He and I both stayed cooped up in our apartments all day Saturday and Sunday. We didn't speak or see each other at all. (I'm guessing he's affected by this break up too) He usually doesn't stay in his apartment the way he did this weekend.
I saw and talked to him last night (we were both at my sisters apartment). That was a MISTAKE! I thought I would be ok but I wasn't. This is what I'm talking about. I can't even go to my own sisters place to hang out because I know at some point he'll come over.
I know what every one must be thinking.... (wow, this girl is really in a jam) I think I'm going to have a nervous break down. I've never put myself in this kind of horrible situation before (the living arrangements). I really am completely lost.
I lived with an ex for 4 months after we broke up, and I can say from experience that knowing what he was doing all the time made me insane. I'm sure if
I'm checking every possible out for this situation. I have a girlfriend who might need me to move in due to her sister moving out. But she's not sure. She's not a very reliable person so I'm very hesitant about relying on her. It's my only option.
I honestly don't think he would bring girls home. He's already said that he's not out looking for anyone and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to bring someone home. I do believe him. It's just hard to know that he's right next door. Sleeping alone, hanging out with friends. And I'm not a part of any of it.
I'm telling you, this is the most difficult situation I've had to deal with in my life.
He's already said that he's not out looking for anyone and he wouldn't be so disrespectful to bring someone home.
Right now- that might be true.
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