Completly and Utterly Lost.
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| Mon, 03-03-2008 - 1:51pm |
That's me... completely and utterly lost. We ended it in a mature manner and parted ways. He was my first everything and I was his first nothing and that's what hurts the most. I came home that night to my mom's house and fell completely apart and now, I can't eat, sleep, think clearly, or get out of bed. my heart is totally shattered. He told me that "I don't think I could ever love you." and there's nothing more earth shaking. I know he didn't say it to be mean or to hurt me because that's not his nature. He respects me so much that when I asked for him to tell me what he wants to hear, not what I want to hear, he said it. It's hard and I am completely broken inside because I thought we were going to be perfect for each other. he made me so comfortable and excited all the time and I know he was my first love and the first person I made love to but I'd still love him even if he wasn't my first partner. But to know that he doesn't and cannot love me is killing me. and the worst part is that he was my first everything and I was his first nothing. I feel like I'm nothing to him, that I'm just some girl he met long ago and found again 5 years later in the same city and felt it was right. I'm just that girl he slept with and made feel special for four months and then moved on. I can't stop crying, I can't do anything and I'm supposed to go back to university and forget everything and pay attention to school? for 4 months straight, he was all I thought about. How great he was, how important he was to me, how he made me feel so important. So it's over now and I'll be sitting in my boring class where all I did for an hour and a half was think about him, only the thoughts have changed. They make me cry and I feel dead inside because of it. I just need to know if someone out there can assure me that things will be okay and that I won't feel this way about him forever. I keep thinking to myself that God brought him to me twice and that has to be a sign that we'll be back together again. I know so many couples who have broken up so many times but are married now. I keep thinking that's us but it could easily not be because he "could never love me. I thought that 'maybe in a few months I could love her' but I don't think I can."
... I just don't know what to do... I'm so sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself and I'm so incredibly angry that I was so naive for so long. I just need help.
Edited 3/3/2008 2:01 pm ET by ebeatle

Welcome to the board ebeatle,
You are NOT LESS THAN because you weren't his first anything.
First, ebeatle, I'm very sorry. I know what you feel like--our breakup, while I wouldn't say it was "amicable" it was very mature, no angry words and simply parted ways, just as you did. And also like you, he was my first. Five years of firsts, actually. And now that it's all over, it's incredible how much it hurts some days. Sometimes I bust out the "I Will Survive" attitude and feel like I can be a mature, confident woman, and sometimes I just can't even drag myself out of bed in the morning.
I don't have all the answers, or hell, any of the answers--but I just want you to know that you're not alone. I wish you the best as you start your journey to work through this. Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like someone to talk to--I know I could use someone too.
Hi there,
I think most of us on the planet have gone through your pain. When I was 33, I pinned all my hopes on a brief relationship that left me totally shattered when it fell apart. I took a year and a half to get over it, including a 3-week stay in the psych ward of a hospital. Now, 18 years later, I'm married to a man I love, have two kids with him, and have a thriving career. I'm here to tell you that you WILL get over this completely and go on to have wonderful adventures (romantic and otherwise) in your life. Try to allow the natural healing process to work within you, rather than resist it (which is what I did, thus delaying my recovery).
From my vantage point, it's a GOOD thing he told you he could never love you. It makes it clear that you two never had a future and that there isn't ANYTHING you could have done to change the outcome. In my "big breakup" I didn't have such clarity: the guy claimed he loved me, but that my behaviour made him realize we were incompatible. That left me with mountains of self-blame to wade through: if only I had behaved differently, controlled my impulses, restrained myself, etc. You don't have to deal with this. I think your ex-boyfriend did you a favour by being so brutally honest with you, though it may not seem like it now.
There are many other men whom you can love and who will love you back. Try to put this one behind you and whatever you do, don't give up on your studies. Use them as a distraction while you're going through the worst of it. OK?
Freelance