Complicated break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Complicated break up
13
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 3:21pm
I'm living in limbo as far as my husband is concerned. To try and cut a very long story short, i left my husband whilst severely depressed, thought i had lost my love for him because of panic attacks around the home. Married very happily for 32 years, husband dismayed and not really understanding. We remained married but living apart. We still slept together, went out together, shared most things together but he was lonely and he went off with a much younger woman. He told me, i was devastated and realised i wanted him back, he came back, i felt pushed out by constant badgering from o/w which he didn't realise i saw. I became very unstable and pushed him more away until he eventually asked for a divorce last August. I agreed because i could no longer fight her but within weeks was so severely depressed as to end up in the mental hospital with a nervous breakdown. Losing him completely has shown me how much i love my husband but he doesn't understand the depression, the ocd, anxiety and panic attacks. He just keeps on saying "you knew what you were doing" He's been seeing the 16 yrs younger o/w behind my back for 4 months and out in the open for 8. However, he hasn't pushed for the divorce, even says he isnt in a rush as he'll never marry again. He insists we still go out together with the grandchildren on a saturday afternoon and his o/w gives him a lot of grief for it. He loved me absolutely and i know how rejected he felt and now it is my turn. I am addressing my depression, my ocd and my anxiety which all stems from childhood sexual abuse, fear of rejection is what has driven most of my behaviour over the last couple of years and i pray to god, my husband can forget all the hurt i caused him and come and talk to me one day. He has said to our daughter that he hopes things sort themselves out by next christmas and that he would like to take me out for a drink but he makes no effort to do so and as far as i'm aware is still with the o/w. He asked our daughter how he was meant to just dump her as she would feel used. I hope whoevers reading this, youve followed this complicated tale of mixed messages and hurt feelings and can anyone answer me, can we just turn off our love for someone when they've hurt us, as i can't turn mine off and i'm being hurt!! Any advice or opinions would be very welcome indeed. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story......... Poppy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:44pm
Thank you Grace but i can't divorce him, i love him and i married him for better or worse.....My hell i brought on myself and i totally deserve what i am going through because i hurt my husband beyond anything i can ever understand. He did absolutely no wrong and i left him and now i pay the price..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 8:28am

Ok, but there comes a point where you stop taking all the blame for everything that went wrong, and that is wrong now. You honestly think you are supposed to hang on and suffer while he is with the other women out of duty?? I'm young so help me out here. In my opinion, you two ended, and you have been trying to salvage it, and be the women he needed and had at one time.... however he has moved on. He is not willing to honor the vows anymore. You are basically punishing yourself for things you did and are willing to suffer the rest of your life professing your undying love.... well, as honorable as that is, it is going unnoticed, and is no life for anyone. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF , and pick up the pieces and move on. Will you always have some regret, yes, but I think it's time for you to stand up and live a life you deserve.
He might have more respect for you if you go ahead and divorce and move on as well. It is unfair for him to hold you back while he is loving another women. And if he is not holding you back, then it is only you who is holding you back. Where is Dr. Phil when you need him?? just kidding... Look, You can not pretend or act out a life for everybody's sake to keep the peace, it is unhealthy and detrimental. I seriously wish you would take these words to heart and maybe seek more help. You are worth more than this.

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 5:21pm

Thank you Grace - i quite agree with you i do have to forgive myself and i actually have but there is always the demon in me that wants and feels i should be punished.

I also actually agree with you in that my husband has moved on. I am trying my best to do the same and in fact am doing so. I am getting my life in order, i now work, i am moving house and i have some new friends. I just don't want a relationship with another man as i still love my husband. If someone comes along then so be it but i can't physically go looking for someone. This for me isn't staying stuck, it's just what feels right for me. I did try with another guy for a couple of months but i just didn't have my heart in it and i wanted it to be much more casual and the guy wanted to get serious and so i had to end it.

I know i should divorce my husband for what he's doing but so should he me for leaving him and neither of us do anything. Oh i don't know anymore Grace i'm just so tired of feeling hurt. Thanks again for your input, i'm always grateful for any thoughts on my situation.

Take care and god bless from Poppy

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