Complicated Situation...is it over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Complicated Situation...is it over?
3
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 11:59pm

I’ve been dating this guy for about 2.5 years and we broke up about 1 month ago but I still can’t accept that this is over. My story is very complicated…but here goes.

When I met him, he was involved with this other woman (3 years from the time I met him...5 years total) that was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He told me he was still with her because he loved her as a friend and didn’t want to leave her to battle this thing alone…that he knew that there was no future with her…not only because of the cancer but also because she just wasn’t the one. During this time, I never pressured him to leave her or even tell her about me…I just didn’t see the reason to hurt her. Although he does claim to have told her that he wanted to make changes in his life…wanted more out of his life and that she encouraged him to find someone. I guess she asked if there was anyone specific he wanted to see but he said no. It was an awful feeling for both of us knowing we were waiting for her to pass away so we could be together. While we were together, our relationship had many ups and downs, peaks and valleys but we always managed to get through the rough spots. We always believed and said we would end up together one day. We talked about marriage and kids, etc. We also talked about him buying a new place we could furnish and maybe someday I would move in. We even waited 1.5 years before we had sex because he said he just wasn’t ready to do that because he would probably feel really guilty and then just pull away from me.

She passed away last November and ever since then our relationship has never been the same. About 2 months before she passed, we had become sexually intimate. I immediately noticed a difference in him. He told me his quietness was due to her not doing that great but I also remembered what he said to me before about pulling away. The week before she passed, I didn’t know that her situation was that grave…that it had progressed so rapidly. He just stopped calling me, didn’t return any of my calls or messages. I even drove up to his house to see what was going on…but he wasn’t home. Two days later he sent me an email telling me that she passed away. I was completed stunned but also upset because he didn’t let me into what was happening. I felt very sad and shut out because I did love him and couldn’t be there for him…he didn’t want me there for him. He then told me that he felt guilty having had me in his life…for not telling her about me…that he embellished some of the things he told me about the relationship, that they had a great relationship, etc. But he also said that he believed that there was a reason why we met and came into each others lives. We didn't see each other for about 2 months after she passed away...he said he needed to be alone for a while...but then we got back together around the end of January. Ever since then (approx 6 months) we tried to mend our relationship but it has been so so difficult. He moved a lot of her things into his place…furniture, accessories, etc. and I just freaked out. I didn’t want to be unsympathetic, insensitive or uncompassionate, but I just couldn’t be surrounded with another woman’s things...and I haven’t been back to his place in about 6 months. We were constantly arguing…he was always distant and quiet. I said that I was willing to go therapy to try and better understand his situation and to better deal with this…I even read book after book on grief and dying to better understand him. He said he wasn’t interested into going to “couples therapy” but would go with me 1x or 2x to help me. Anyway, every time we were together, I could still see the sadness in his eyes of losing her. He stopped telling me he loved me but said he cared for me…didn’t want to spend Valentines day with me because he was still sad over her loss (but he did the day after)…he coudn't spend his b-day with me because he was having dinner with his mom (but he did the day after)…didn’t want to go on vacation with me this summer or attend any family thing, on both sides, because he just wasn’t ready to involve family since our relationship hasn’t been great lately (but he was eager to meet my family last year and he did…I met his mother once last year by accident when we bumped into her). Anyway, too much stuff that I could just keep going. I finally had enough and told him that we needed to part for a while for him to figure things out. That I needed him in this relationship not just physically but emotionally. That if it was meant to be between us that he would be back. He agreed…said he has been trying to work on the relationship but said that he couldn’t be the exact man that I wanted him to be "right now"…that he's still very numb over the loss...that he was still grieving…that he didn’t want to continue making me unhappy...didn't want me to put my life on hold for him. I even told him that I felt that he felt he had no future with me…his reply “that’s not necessary true”. That was about 4 weeks ago. We had a couple of short conversations on the phone…small talk, nothing about the relationship. We exchanged a few emails…I told him I missed him, he said he missed me too. I also asked him if he wanted to get together last week but he said he just didn’t think it was a good idea that we see each other “right now”.

Is this relationship really over or am I reading too much into his “right nows”. Is all his behavior because of his grief or because he wanted out and didn’t know how to do it and was just waiting for me to do it? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve listed a lot of the bad stuff but we also had a lot of great stuff…a real connection that we both said we never felt with anyone else. At times I do believe he did love me and truly wanted to be with me long-term...and other times I wonder if he was just using me. I guess I’m just hoping that one day, once he’s over his grief, he’ll come back to me. I still have hope in us but I don't know if I should.

Edited 6/25/2006 12:24 am ET by sassygirl2006

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Edited 6/25/2006 1:06 am ET by sassygirl2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 11:37pm

He doesn't need to figure things out as far as your relationship, he needs to grieve.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 6:18am

Thanks Sandra. I've read a lot of your postings to others and you always give great advice.

I see what you're saying about giving him his a universe of space to grieve. I did just that...no contact...but then one night a couple of weeks ago (on a Monday) he just showed up at my place. We ended up spending the night together and than got together again the following Saturday. We had a pretty good day together and then at night he asked me if I was dating and I said no. I asked him if he was dating and he said no...that he had options but he wasn't ready to date yet. I was like thinking, than what are you doing here with me...using me until you're ready to date??? I then said, well at least we're back together again trying to give this another shot. He then said that we "shouldn't label" this to anything cuz it will only cause us to have expectations and that we should just enjoy the present...being together. Long story short, we had a pretty good night... he even said he had a great time. The next day, on Sunday, I was leaving for a trip to Europe for 10 days. He said he'd miss me while I was away, and that he'd like to get together when I get back.

Well, I'm back (this Wednesday) and he just send me a text message asking if I got back and to welcome me back (he didn't even ask or call me to ask how my trip was). That's it. He hasn't mentioned getting together and hasn't contacted me again. Did he change his mind about getting together or did he just say that to be nice? Talk about mixed signals and giving me hope!!! He's planning on going over to Europe for a week on Monday for work and I'd love to see him before he leaves. Should I reach out to him or wait for him to contact me? I think I already know the answer, but what I worry about this NC stuff is that he'll just get over me...and considering that I'm somewhat 'competing' with his loss of his ex, he might not feel the loss of our relationship.

Confused all over again!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 8:44am

Ok, one: breathe.

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