Concept of unresolved loss
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| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 1:06pm |
From prior posts, some of you know that my ex (33, I am 27) broke up with me about 6 weeks ago after two very easy, enjoyable, drama-free years together. It was a serious, committed RL for us both. And it was sudden, very hard and very sad when we broke up. He said that he is not sure about the future, our future together, me, and feels like he should have a clear picture of us and what he wants and he does not. He loves me, it's not about another woman or wanting to be with anyone else, it's nothing I did. He's just scared that we may not move forward, that in 6 months or 12 months we'd be in the same place and it;d be so much harder then. Whatever the reasons, something in his gut is saying that this is not right. It's been exceedingly difficult. We have not been in touch. I left it up to him as his part of this to own. He said he'd want to check in to see how I was after we'd had some time apart, maybe a week or two later. This was 6 weeks ago, and still no word.
Mutual friends say he is ok, hanging in there, has asked about me. He's pretty private, so he has not said much to our mutual friends or his family (I was in touch with his mom briefly right after we broke up), and no one is really pressing him for information, so I do not have much to go on. I imagine he has not called because he does not know what to say, he many not be able to be any clearer with his reasons for leaving and he probably thinks being friends would be too hard. Which I totally agree with and do not want. But, I'm waiting for this call -- scared of it, not sure if it is ever coming, but still waiting for it. To have him not call makes it feel like he just has buried it all and does not care, but I know he is not a mean, unfeeling person. He just probably does not know what to say and to cause more pain. But..it's all a theory.
I began seeing a counselor this week to help me get out of the rut of mourning. My head gets all of the reasons why this breakup may have occurred and I've rationally and intellectually deconstructed everything and pieced it all together. But, as you all know, your head can accept something but your heart and emotions can lag. I'm still very sad and miss him terribly. I have no reason to be mad with him -- we've been respectful, peaceful and loving to each other from day one to the last. So, it's proven hard to move on when I still love him so much and miss him, there's nothing to blame, and he's not entirely sure why he can't do this relationship either.
The therapist presented a concept to me called unresolved loss. It's a term used for more tragic losses, like sudden death, bur applies to breakups, too, where you don't really get the whole picture and struggle with the "whys" of it all. He said that to overcome this breakup and move away from the cycle of just missing and mourning him and the relationship, that I need to get closure and can do it the easy way or the hard way. I don't like his easy way -- which is to call or write my ex to ask the questions I have, learn more about how he is feeling and find out what he may have to say after some time has gone by. He says once I do this, I can stop waiting for his phone call, stop wondering what is going on with him and move on better from it. I told him I did not want to do that, that I was pretty firm with me not calling and it being up to him, and that I honestly do not think my ex has any more answers or things to say. So, we're going to work on the hard way to move on -- which is "writing my own end" to the "book" of our RL. So, basically, I will have to come to terms with the theories I have about why this ended to get that closure and move on. He said that this is oftentimes a slow process, and that me being stuck in the sad/mourning part of this is normal when you don't have a lot of answers.
What is your take on this concept and plan to move away from it? Some of our mutual friends who have known my ex longer than I have (some since childhood) say that maybe he just does not entirely know himself why he couldn't be in this relationship anymore, an
and that maybe it's more seated in not seeing himself changing his life and settling any time soon (personally, I do want to settle down in the next few years) rather than me not being "good enough" -- which I feel sometimes. He is so black and white that anything gray that he is unsure of, might as well be black. It's 100% or 0%, all or nothing. But still, moving on is so difficult. I never have gone through emotions like this. I want to move on from this as gracefully as I can. But it is just so hard. Thanks for reading.

Hi Erin.
i know somewhat of what you are going through because although my ex gave me reasons for why we broke up I feel they are just excuses and not reasons. I feel that he doesn't know why we broke up either so he just comes up with excuses. You said that the easy way to get over the unresolved loss was that the councilor wanted you to write or call and ask for more information. It sounds to me like your ex doesn't really know why so asking why will just lead to more whys. That is what is happening to me. He answers why, I counteract it and ask another why and tries a different answer.
The concept of choosing your own ending is eventually what you will have to do. I'm in that process now. There are probably a lot of deep seeded reasons for why your ex broke up with you, and they don't have anything to do with you. You said that he doesn't really open up to anyone. That might be one, especially if he's really opened up to you. He might feel too vulnerable and that you hold too many of his cards. If he doesn't open up to you he might be wondering why he doesn't feel comfortable doing it. It could be a hold host of excuses but really you aren't ever going to know because he doesn't know. And it sucks because if you are like me, you want to solve the problem, whether it works out in your favor or not. You just want him to be ok. I said this to my ex "I feel like I'm always fixing you. you come to me with a problem I fix it and send you out into the world until you need fixing again. I can't fix you anymore". And I can't for the life of me, figure out why he, or anyone, would not want to fix themselves and just be happy. My ex has had so much pain for so long its like a security blanket for him. He feels comfortable with pain and if he feels happiness its forgein to him and he pushes it away for pain. These are much deeper rooted problems that I can't fix.
Basically you have to just do what you are doing. Let him take the necessary steps. He has to move. He has to solve his problems. And if he chooses not to that is his cross to bare. He will come back. He will miss you and want to talk. It might take some time, and certainly didn't believe mine would come back but they do. Let him take the lead. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Good Luck.
Erin, I think you are very strong. With all those question marks, you can hold on with no contact for 6 weeks, Good on you!
Out of nowhere, the guy said to me I thought I wasn't ready for a relationship. The night before, he was talking about giving me a drawer at his place, and he was so excited about it, and he was the one keep telling me how much he loves me...
When the "break" is on, I counldn't stop questioning in my head. I tried to answer them for myself, and then there were more questions. If I didn't ask him for the closure, I think I could go insane.
For this unresolved loss, I chose the easier way, after only one week, I asked him on MSN for a explaination, he tried to explain that his leg breaking has changed his way of thinking and he got scared (he broke up wih me during the time I was taking care of him, casue he broke his leg). I understood what he meant, and I belived what he said, but I just couldn't accept his reasons. I also got upset, why he didn't even try to work things out. I said something really upset him (the truth though), and then we never contacted since then. It has been more than a week, and I found out he deleted me from his MSN. I guess maybe phone book too...
I did have the cloure I wanted from him, so I am not trying to contact him anymore, and I accept the breakup as a fact, but there are still lots of questions in my mind. We always think the reasons they gave us are not convincing enough. I agree with Sun "The concept of choosing your own ending is eventually what you will have to do."
I am the person like to find reasons for everything, and I like to explain things in a very clear ways, so I couldn't understand my ex's thinking and was trying to figure out what was going on in his mind. A friend told me, my way of living is too hard, sometimes we should just accept things happen without a reason and people doing things without reasons. If we put this theory in our mind, then we won't try to find out the answers and we can just let things go...
I admire all of you. It's been 6 months since my breakup of a relationship of 3-1/2yrs.
He was a wonderful,loving caring person. It was a long distance relationship ( which sometimes was difficult)but we saw one another every other weekend for several days.
In middle of nov. 2006 he just quit calling, wouldn't take my calls, etc. I finally talked with him in dec. & he wasn't willing to talk only to say that he had told me
several times "we didn't need to see one another anymore." While this may be true, he
continued to drive to see me every other wkend.
The only way we communicate now is through tx mes. I wake up thinking about him, go to sleep thinking about him. It's been the MOST difficult thing I've ever experienced!!
I don't want to do, see, anyone or thing. I feel the was no ending & I can't move forward.
I want him to hurt, & miss me as much as I do him. I know that's not the way I should feel, but I do. I keep thinking time heals all, but it's not gotten ANY easier & its' been 6 mo!!!!!!
Sometimes, i want to see him so I can vent ALL my anger for dumping me. This sort of thing
has never happened to me & normally, it a guy treated me in any kind of (blow me off)
situation, I would not give him the time of day ever again. This is what's so bad.
why do I feel this way? And does it get easier??? Please advise
Thank you all for your replies. I just know I will not be the one to reach out to him, and he has ot been in touch with me, so I need to get this closure myself to move on from this. I have stuck with the no contact and it's a pride thing, and it is also a promise to him. I told him that communication was his to own up to and be in charge of. But it is incredibly difficult, as you all know. Six weeks have gone by without any word. SIX WEEKS. It is unfathomable at times that so much time has passed since we have not spoken. I feel so removed from him and his life. And obviously not by choice. What a horrible feeling it is to feel like you do not know this man any more. It hurts that he is seemingly living his life so happily and contently away from me. I do not know if he is or is not, though mutual friends say he is ok, not entirely himself. But him never contacting me makes me feel like this was just a business decision to cut ties and leave it, and that he's fine with it, happy even. It feels clinical, and that, obviously, is the opposite of what you want to feel and want them to feel.
For Pistol, your situation sounds so hard. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I know that LD can add to the frustration and communication issues, as well, and I know this is hard in so many ways. For you, you've been in contact with him since your breakup. I imagine that you do run the gamut of emotions -- you know how he is and what he is up to. That, I am sure, is both comforting and frustrating -- that you're still in touch and involved in his life, but it's not the way you want it to be. From your post it sounds like you do have some mixed emotions about all of it. What do you think about stopping the texting? Even for a trial of a week or two, to see how that goes? It may give you some time and space to truly experience not being in his life and vice versa. Your breakup and seeing each other afterwards and being in touch may have made this harder than a "regular" breakup. Trying no contact will be hard, but it might be what you need to begin a cleaner break from him and this. Or, it might be hekpful to relay your frustrations and anger to him. If nothing else, it gets it out there. Just my opinion, though.
Well, I'm not sure if this will help, but I thought I would at least give you some hope! My situation was not exactly the same (i'll explain in a moment), but i can tell you that 5 years ago I had to deal with the concept of unresolved loss, and it is possible. It did take some time, and alot of figuring things out, journaling, counseling, etc., but to be honest, i feel like i know myself so much better, can better cope with emotional issues, and am a stronger person overall. I can't pinpoint when exactly i found some peace or "resolve" but it did happen even though it's an ever-growing concept. My advice is to be good to yourself, and keep focusing on how to get yourself through it and moving forward, despite the constant wonder and questioning. In the end it's you you need to worry about, so as hard as it is, you'll need to start pushing the constant thoughts and worry about him out of your mind - even if slowly. I would probably agree with his friends that say he just doesn't know what he wants, and unfortunately you ended up getting very hurt from it.
Now, keeping in mind i don't know much (or anything) about the situation, but from my experiences, and those i've seen with friends, it might be that because of his age, and how long you've dated he started thinking about settling down (marriage) in general. Maybe that scared him enough to kind of run away? I have a handful of friends (guys) that, for whatever reason, can't deal with that idea actually happening and are always "running" away from it. Granted a good chunk have actually grown up enough to figure it out and move forward in their lives, but it still seems like a common issue.
But regardless of the "whys", only one of two things will happen: He'll either "figure it out" and contact you, or he won't. Either way you'll have to find some resolve on your own. I'm glad that you are being strong on your promise of not contacting him. And as far as him living so happily without you - i doubt it's as cold and business-like as you're imagining. Guys deal differently with things and it always seems to be alot easier on thier end - even if it isn't truly. Unfortunately, it really is 'only time will tell'. But it does get easier, I promise. Stay strong!
Hi erin94402, first of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this! I've read some of your other posts and I've felt and still feel many of the things you're feeling.
This topic of unresolved loss really interests me. It's something I've been thinking of a lot, but I hadn't put a name to it. Like many people on this board, I didn't get any of the answers I thought I needed from my ex. I think he didn't even know the answers himself. For some reason that I still do not understand, his feelings changed (ouch). I don't really even know if the feelings were just about our relationship, or if they were his feelings for me, how long the feelings had been different, anything. I spent months pondering these things, trying to figure out what happened, blaming me, blaming him, blaming anything I could. And with all of my questions and blame, I think I was trying to resolve it by proving it was 'wrong', that him leaving was wrong and that things were not supposed to end like that. This of course left my loss very much unresolved. I've since realized that closure, resolving this loss and dissolving the grief, does indeed have to come from within (I wonder if this is the case even if the other person can offer you substantial answers). Nothing he had to tell me could do this for me--not because he's a horrible person, but because I wasn't going to be satisfied with anything he had to say. What I had to do was become okay with this loss, accept it is a loss and that it's real and that my resistance wasn't going to change it. And that's when I began thinking a lot about 'meant to be'. We were meant to break up, we're meant to be apart, etc.
I'm not completely through the pain--I've certainly made tons and tons of progress, but it still hurts when I think of it. And something I'm thinking now is . . . maybe some losses are never actually resolved, but at some point, they just cease to matter. This thought has come to mind now because while I'm not aching 24/7 or having my crazy crying fits, and while he isn't the first thing I think of every morning (finally!!!! I thought that would never end!!!), when I think about the end and the loss and him leaving, it does still hurt and make me sad and I'll even ask the occasional--why??. And I'm wondering, how could that NOT make me sad? BUT, when I'm not thinking of it, when I'm at my best, it doesn't bother me. So, it's still there, but it's mattering less and less. I don't think it not mattering means it's resolved, because I still don't understand why it happened, why he decided he didn't want to be with me.