Confused
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| Sat, 04-07-2007 - 11:24pm |
I've been asking a lot of people about this, and reading all sorts of articles, but I want opinions about my particular issue, so I decided to join up here and post.
This is also going to be EXTREMELY long, but I'll try to make it easy enough to read, because I REALLY need some feedback.
To make this easier, I'm going to refer to my ex as X.
So X and I were in class together our senior year in high school, and we started talking and got along right away. We have the same twisted sense of humor and make each other laugh. I thought he was horribly attractive, but I was too shy to do anything about it, and I didn't know if he was interested in me, so we stayed friends but dated other people. It turned out, however, that I ended up dating someone who was in X's band, so I, being the doting girlfriend, attended band practices, hanging out with the guys and such, and still continued talking to X in class. X was dating one of A's ex-girlfriends who also attended the practices. My relationship with the guy in X's band, which I'll call A, ended up really badly and full of lots of emotional abuse, and I finally broke up with him in August. He was the one who took my virginity, and X lost his to the girl he was dating at the same time I was dating A.
It turned out that X and I both ended up attending the same college (which I ended up going to on account of being too accepting of what A wanted) and that we were both going away to the same school this coming August. My first semester of college ended up with me going back to my ex before A and getting hurt again, so I was extremely happy when I found out X was in most of my classes for second semester. We immediately hit it off again, talking again after the eight months I was with A (he didn't like me talking to X because he thought we were too close and X had mentioned once he thought I was attractive). I casually mentioned X's girlfriend while we were talking, and he was quick to tell me that they had broken up in November and he was currently single. I, of course, was delighted at this, because I still felt that great connection with him and still thought he was horribly attractive.
So we started flirting all the time, making innuendos and the like, and ended up "dating" around the beginning of February. However, I didn't want things to be too serious because I was still hurting from my relationship with A and the old ex. I told him this straight out, but he started inviting me over all the time, having me meet his family, hang out with him and his friends, and we ended up having sex after a few weeks (yes, I know, too soon, but it was all I originally was intending). He continued to do sweet things, like writing me a letter on Valentine's Day, taking me out all the time, paying for everything, and we enjoyed each other's company. I still didn't want anything more serious, but he insisted that he really cared about me and wanted to be together and not date other people, so I obliged.
Strangely enough, suddenly one night,he told me he thought we should just be friends, after asking me to go to the bookstore with him, then to lunch, then to school to keep him company. He said that he didn't have that kind of "feeling" for me, and that he couldn't give me the kind of emotional support that I seemed to want, which I still don't quite understand. Pretty much he told me he only liked me as a friend.
I know that I might have freaked him out because I got kind of upset one night because he wouldn't spend time with me, but I still don't understand how he could be the one to want a serious relationship, have me meet his whole family, talk about the future ALL THE TIME with me, go so far as to want to buy a pet with me to take to his apartment when we go away next year, inviting me to stay with him, have sex with me and make it clear that he cared about me and it wasn't about sex, and then turn around and tell me he doesn't like me more than a friend.
I will admit that how I feel about him isn't the same way I felt about my past boyfriends. With him I feel comfortable and happy and like I can be myself. My heart will flutter when I meet his eyes, but that's about all the infatuation type feelings I feel with him. Rather I feel a kind of comfort and security with him that I've never felt before. We have all sorts of things in common, including values and where we want our lives to go, and we get along great. He told me he wanted to be friends with me, and continues to flirt with me and ask me to go out to eat with him (however he doesn't pay when we go) and even went out with me and a friend he doesn't know at all.
He told me that he didn't feel the same way about me as he had about past girlfriends, but I can tell just by how he constantly talks to me and jokes with me and makes sexual innuendos (not to mention pointing out hot girls, then getting jealous when I point out guys), and yet he tells me he only cares about me as a friend.
People have told me to talk to him about it, but I fear if I confront him about how he's confusing me that he will totally run away, and I value his friendship. However, I'm beginning to think I should try the 30 day no contact rule. I'm sure you'll agree.
So tell me, what do you think is going on here? Because I'm horribly confused...

It's been my experience (and this is me, it might not be the case for everyone) that when you are in college and dealing with relationships in college, its best to just let it be. Many college students view college as the time to explore and try all kinds of different things without commitment or getting to seriously involved. Its not been a terribly long time since I was in college and I had a lot of guy friends and this is how they are at that age. It doesn't mean that they didn't care about the girls they were with or that they didn't want to be with them they just were always changing and finding new things, not necessarily new girls just new interests, clubs, sports, subjects, etc. they didn't ever want to be tied down they didn't like drama, they wanted to just go with the flow. Everyone in college gets to start fresh. Think about it, you get a whole new set of friends, people who really compliment you and you get to choose them based on their personalities not because your parents chose to live in the same neighborhood like your high school friends. You get to take subjects based on your interests not because your state mandates the curriculum. You are in the 'me' stage of life. Everything you do, for one time in your life and one time only, revolves around you!
Its really hard to go through it because you sound like you do have a connection and you have a good foundation for a relationship, but instead of trying to figure things out with him do what he's doing, experience how you are going to change as a person. People who said that high school is the best time of their life clearly never went to college! Embrace the new and different. Take some time and than if you feel comfortable with it, be friends with him. Maybe in the future you will work something out. But in the meantime be excited for you!