Confused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Confused?
3
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 11:49pm

I don't understand what I did wrong. My boyfriend and I have been together for months. It had gotten so serious that he asked me and my 7 month old daughter to move in with him on numerous occasions. Out of no where about two weeks ago he started seeming very distant...going out all night, not wanting to touch me etc. Finaly a week ago we got into an argument because he had canceled plans that we had to have dinner with family so I went alone and went to my mothers afterwards. I got a call from him two days later after he hadnt answered his phone and he said that he loves me and my daughter but can't be with me because he feels that I will resent him for not being able to give me things like a new car, and large house. Aparently he has been having financial problems that hes been hiding from me. He says that there is too much going on in his life and that if I were older I'd understand (Hes 14 yrs older than me.) What I don't understand is how he can love me but not want to see me. He refused to even see my while I gathered my things today, said it may upset him.

Why is he doing this and will he take me back? I love him so much and my daughter and I need him. Do you think this is just a phase? Any advice would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
In reply to: dayna3d2
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 9:57am
Hi Dayna,
I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much and I wish that I could ease your pain. It does seem strange that your bf started acting strangely all of a sudden. As an outsider, I would say that rarely does someone break up for "unselfish" reasons, as in, "I don't want you to resent me for not giving you things". He does owe you a truthful conversation, at least, (and it was very cowardly of him not to even see you while you got your stuff),but that doesn't mean that it will ever happen. At this point, I think that you've done what you can to let him know that you care about him and it's up to him. I wish I could give you an answer that would make you feel better. Good luck--I'll be thinking about you.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
In reply to: dayna3d2
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:16pm

Thank you for your reply. I agree that it doesn't seem right that all of this would come up al of the sudden. He says that its been building for awhile and that hes been hiding his problems from me and now needs to take time for himself to fix them. I don't understand why he wouldn't want me there with him and why I can't help him. After all I was living with him and it is far from unusual for a woman to help with finacial problems (i think he gets this mentality from his dad.)I also tried telling him that I understand that he needs to take care of all of this so I offered to take a step back, move out and only see him a few nights a week like normal couples. He says that seeing me a few nights a week would hurt worse than not seeing me at all. To make matters worse my best friend has recently started dating his neigherbor/best friend and spends all of her time at his house. It kills me to know that she is closer to him than I can be and Im starting to resent her for it. I know its not her fault and I've got no reason to be angry with her but I can't seem to help it. Blame and anger seems to be coming out of me towards EVERYONE but him.

I can't handle this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: dayna3d2
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 4:23pm

Again just my opinion...take it for what it is wort. Whenever a child is involved, I always think it is best to see figure out what is in the best interest of not only you but the child and the emotional impacts any relationship might have. Whenever I date someone & there are children involved, I make sure I don't meet the children until the relationship is cemented...3-4 months. It's too confusing for kids. Again...just my 2 cents.

No contact at this point is what I also recommend. Take a break from your friend...it is too painful I wouyld be angry too but that's her choice & you can't control that...only you & your reaction. I know, easier said than done.

This book helped me figure some stuff out. If nothing else it helps raise your standards.

Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong by Barbara De Angelis