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| Sun, 06-12-2005 - 2:06pm |
I broke up with my boyfriend of 4years last November when i found out from his friend he had been sleeping around with loads of girls.
Because i was so badly hurt i went to france to work so i could be as far away from him as possible and at the time i felt it was the only thing i could do to save me from going crazy.
About two weeks after i had gone he started sending me messages about how much he missed me and after a few months they turned into that he wants to be with me forever.I was confused because when we were breaking up he was basically saying that its over but when i was away he was acting like we were still together saying things like "you better not be seeing any other guys" !!! like what the F***K? Are you mental???? you broke up with me it means i am SINGLE....idiot.
At that time i met someone new (rebound)and because i was so far away it didnt bother me and i was doing fine because i couldnt physically go and see my ex as i was in a different country....out of sight, out of any possible physical contact...out of mind!
Anyway dont want to bore anyone so i'll try make this shorter!
So i was having this "relationship" with this guy (wouldnt really call it relationship but he thought it was....he is same age as me and not really had long relationship before..both 22)
Then all of a sudden i had to come back two months earlier because my dad died.
I left the morning after the night i found out and couldnt really end it with other guy as I had other things on my mind.
ANYWAY!.....got back, met ex (at that time wasnt sure what he was because of all the messages he sent me implying he wanted to be with me forever)was a bit distant obviously because i was havin another relationship and ex hurt me so much.
So been back now for 3 months and feel like im going through another break up...i suppose hadnt really had one in the first place.
I've become desperate for him....he says "cant deal with this right now......I have to sort my life out"
And im going crazy again.
Isnt this great. I hate f*****g men. They really like to mess with your mind.
You either want to be with someone or you dont.
I want to run away again but I cant and now im having difficulty with realsing that im going to have to stay here and deal with this and i dont think i can.
And to top it all of I have the guy from france calling me everyday and texting me saying he really wants to be with me...but its not my ex and i dont love this other guy and its making me more depressed because i wish that my ex was saying these things to me.He was when i was away but now that im back he's almost ignoring me.
I know what i have to do just stop contact with him....its so difficult.At the moment i've turned mental asking for my "things" back and generally acting like a nutcase calling him up with not much else to say but "i hate you" and making him not like me even more.
just felt like writing out my story hopefully someone out here will read it! its abit scatty as theres so much more to the story(as there always is) but dont want to go on too much.
goodluck everyone in trying to get through this pain....i wouldnt wish it on anyone. It turns you into a pathetic desperate woman that you never thought you would be.

I know it hurts, but you need to focus on YOU now...not someone that is not worthy of you.
You were with someone for four years, who cheated on you with numerous other people, and when he broke up with you, he made it clear he didn't want to try to resolve matters. You moved half way around the world, he still keeps in touch with you, and goes off the deep end when he realizes you might be moving on with your life... without him, and changes his story to say that now, he wants to be with you forever. Your Dad passes away, you return home, and soon after, he is back to giving you the cold shoulder. It seems as though the cycle is complete, once more: back to where you started after you broke up in November.
Don't look toward this man for anything, including honesty, maturity, a sincere interest in your well being, and a future with him. You have suffered two major personal blows in the last half year - the end of a 4 year relationship, and the death of a parent, and what this guy is doing now is an indication of the best he can give you in a time of true need: nothing but confusion and hurt. Anyone - yourself included - deserves 100% more.
Why wait for him to change, decide what he wants to do or to get his act together? He has already shown what you mean to him - provided you can boost his ego, by way of him knowing that you care, or are still around, that is good enough for him, while he still plays the field. Any more time or thought afforded to him is of benefit to him, feeding his needs, and detracting from those of your own.
Get what ever he has of yours back, then end contact, for good - no more excuses, no more chances, and no more looking back... unless you want to go through this cycle over and over again. You can only learn a lesson so many times before you have to either accept it, or decide to keep going back to see if the outcome might be different if you try again.
And so what if the man in France is not 'the one' you want to be with? At the very least, he is calling you, being honest about how he feels, and cares for your well being? Is your ex doing any of the same right now? You don't have to fall in love with the French man, but you can decide to keep in touch as friends, rather than keep in contact with someone who clearly has no great concern or regard for you.
Thankyou for the help..........xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It turns you into a pathetic desperate woman that you never thought you would be.
Those are your words up there. I just want to say that it has the POTENTIAL to turn you into a pathetic desperate woman but it does not HAVE to. There are things you can do to retain your dignity because right now it sounds like that's the only sure thing in your life. It's awful that you're grieving for your father and at the same time are trying to figure out a very confusing love life.
There are a lot of men who love you from a distance but totally change the second you're within shouting distance. It's quite common. The thing is, now that you know there are men like this, it's time to realize that your ex is one of them. No matter how much you wish he wasn't, he is. So, how do you deal with this? You pull all of your strength you can muster and you absolutely stop calling, emailing and everything else you're doing that is doing everything to only prove his case which is that he doesn't want to be with you. A man can't miss you if you're in his face all the time.
Now, about this guy in France. Please don't continue to string along someone who may really love you and expect more. You must be getting something out of just knowing he is on the backburner and it's so unfair to him. Being without any boyfriend is not the end of the world- people do it all the time. It sounds for all the world like you need to be without a boyfriend right now. You have too much other emotional stuff to work through right now. REly on family and friends who you know love you no matter which country you're in. Those are the people to be calling and emailing right now- not either one of these guys.
Hi....thanks for the replies!
I didnt really go into the story too much so understandibly i didnt explain myself properly about the french guy although i do know exactly what your saying popeyesgal.
When i got back I didnt really think about either of them because I had so many other things to do so I didnt get a chance to say anything to french guy (lets call him M)
After the funeral I went to the South of France were my friend lives for a few days and because he was still working up in the alps (were I was working too and were we met) he drove down for two days ( we worked in the most southern alp which is really good because you can be snowboarding and skiing and then you can drive down to Nice and Cannes in an hour and be on the beach!) and we both thought we would never see each other again.Neither of us really broke it off and later he told me he didnt think he would see me again.
Anyway I had to go to Poland a day after I got back from france to sort out documents to get my dads ashes buried there (my dad is Polish but had to stay here in London after the war)
While I was there M kept on calling me and decided he was going to come to Warsaw to see me and i seriously couldnt stop him.......I said that i needed time to be alone (at that point i really did like him but couldnt handle a relationship because I was so busy organising things and seeing my family which was much more important)
He rang me one day and said he was coming the next week...It was so nice of him to want to be with me but I had only known him for 4months and really just wanted to be with my family,it was too late because he booked the flight and even though i was explaining my situation to him he said he didnt care and was coming wether i liked it or not!
SO the next day I found somewhere for him to stay and the next week I went to meet him at the airport.
He came with so many things because I said to him I didnt know when I was going back to London so he assumed he was going to stay with me until I left which was really impossible as I had SO much to do there (my half sister is also trying to adopt there but she doesnt speak Polish so I was her translator)
I told him that straight away.
One day we went to the park for a walk and I just started crying and told him I cant be with him like he wants and I told him about how Im still not over my ex and that I felt that I had lost the two most important men in my life ( I shouldnt really give my ex that credit......he's no way near as important as my dad is, but still he was a major part of my life before I went away)
M said he understood and that even though he lost a girlfriend he's made a friend and thats how it was.......we were friends.
He also knew about my ex from the minute I met him as I was very recently split up and was telling everyone how I never want to be with a man again.....and he was in the same situation with women!
So he left being my friend but started to call me all the time and said he doesnt know whats happened but he thought he would just go back home and we would speak every now and again but he really wants to be with me.
I never lead him on.But I was very nearly doing that if I hadnt of said anything to him while he was in Poland, also I think I may be his "rebound" too, because he broke up with his girlfriend when I broke up with my ex.....we even have the same birthdays born in the same year!
Anyway he knows the situation between us but just carries on as if he doesnt care.
He's also now coming to London in September to try and find work but not for me....he wants to learn english better.
Oh and my ex also knows about him but not in detail I didnt tell him that we were having a relationship I dont think its necessery as he's the one that doesnt really care about us.
Also the day i wrote my first post I was in a weird mood and got a bit carried away saying that it turns you into a pathetic woman,i just meant it turned me into a pathetic woman...........sometimes, like when i was in the mood i was in then!
Just thought i'd explain a little.....if anyone cares!lol!
Thanks again everyone for all your advice and i really do see everyones point of veiw.
Hope everything is working out in everyone elses love lives! i have to go and flat hunt now as me and my mum are currently homeless!More fun in my life ;)