Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Confused
2
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:14am
Hey I'm new here but for the past few days I've been reading the archives just to try to get some advice about my relationship but I finally decided to just post one myself. My bf of about 9 and 1/2 months and I broke up Sunday night. We got into an arguement about how we never did anything together. All I've asked is that he take me out to eat. He's a total workaholic and if he's not working he is now fishing. I got to his house Sunday night and he tells me he is going out of state this weekend to gamble (I'm only 20 so I can't). This set me off. First I just didn't say anything but for the next hour he just kept asking me what was wrong. Finally I told him and wanted to talk about it but he just shuts down when I say let's "talk about this". So for the rest of the night he ignored me.We went to bed and as I was about to fall asleep he pulled me toward him and I thought he was just going to hold me but then he stuck his hand up my shirt. I went off again. And again he just ignored me. I finally got so mad I told him to go to hell and left but then he called me back and wanted his ring back (did I mention we were engaged). I just left and he chased me out to get his ring. I told him it wasn't over and I wanted my ring (why I do not know). We went back to his room and he just kept telling me to leave.Finally I gave the ring back and left. This was about midnight. After I was fine. I didn't cry the rest of the night. An hour later he calls to make sure I got home alright.He called Monday to ask why I hadn't called him. That night we talked and he told me I had a lot to learn (he was my first boyfriend). He's called me every night this week, when I asked why he never gave and answer. I asked if he wanted to be with me he said he didn't know. He says he does miss me but I don't know if he really does. He said he doesn't want to see other ppl but again who knows. He has totally confused me and I need some advice please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: tigers02
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:26am
Wow. So it goes from fighting over not spending time together to taking back the engagement ring. But now he is suddenly finding the time for you and calling every night for no reason. Why are you letting him do this to you? Why are you becoming a hostage to your XBF's whim? He dumped you, took back the ring, and now he calls and "doesn't know" if he wants to be with you. Why is it his decision alone whether or not you are together? Are you that low in self esteem that you are okay leaving it at what ever he's in the mood for? Instead of asking him and being confused, take back the power over yourself and draw the line. He can't have it both ways. He can't not want to be with you and then keep you strung along on the scraps he gives. He can't. You can't. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. If he does, you'll work things through. If he doesn't, leave you the hell alone. You're confussed because you're betraying yourself by allowing him to be your priority while allowing youself to be his option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
In reply to: tigers02
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 1:43pm
Thanks for your advice. You are right about the whole self esteem issue. And I know it's sounds like everything was fine until this moment but it wasn't. Lately we've been fighting a lot. Whenever somthing is bothering me I tell him, but he never wanted to talk about it b/c he said he didn't want to argue. So instead he just ignores me and this upsets me even more. I don't understand how we could ever work out our problems with him not wanting to talk about them. He would rather get mad and then a few minutes later he's fine and we just move on. I hated that b/c to me if the problem is never solved it will just keep coming back. Now when he does call we really don't talk that long. Last night it was for only about 5 minutes. He worked late and said he was tired but would call me sometime today. To me it's just pointless to call if you don't want to talk. The night before that I tried to talk to him and ask him what he wanted and why he was calling me but again he would just turn things around and say "well do you not want me to call". I do want him to call but then I don't. I don't know what he means by all of this and he won't tell me. He says he isn't the type to talk abut his problems to other ppl. He used to be so good to me. That is why it's so hard to let this go. I just don't know why he changed. And still I think if I ever needed him for anything he'd be there but when it comes to just spending time together, just me and him, somthing else always seems more important. Am I just being controlling? It's not like I never saw him. I saw him everyday. I'd go to his house when he got done working by then it was so late he just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. I don't know....I'm just so emotionally drained.