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|Sat, 01-05-2013 - 12:06am|
I have split up with my boyfriend some time ago... more than a month ago... after a long term relationship.. we have not spoken in that month.
now he has come to see me to talk to me in person.
he travelled very far just to speak to me. he told me very confusing things about his feelings and his future plans. he seems really confused. He said that without me he is not sure how to continue his life, but he wants it that way because he did not know how to live life with me either…geee…talk about a man not knowing what he wants in life. o.O
and he confused me too. I thought we were clear, and here he was infront of me saying things that opposed his break up letter and short mean communication up to than.
when I looked him in the eyes, face to face, I saw just how hurt he was by the break up. But at the same time he seemed very vain, almost like a hurt child that is too proud to speak of his true feelings, but rather lingers in anger over something that broke instead of talking about it.
he said so often that "this break up is the best thing for both of us" that I started thinking maybe he needs to tell this so often to convince himself.
i did not oppose or agree. i just listened to him.
at first when the break up happened i did not want it. than i agreed with it about a week later.
I was in pain but I I got over it rather fast, and I have rebuild and reinvented my self way in ways I did not know where possible!
i have come a long way. my life actually got better in many many ways, not only through my own doing, some things just started falling into place.
And they continue to do so..
Only now after seeing him i feel strange. during the meeting i felt cool, it was like talking to an old friend, i had no urge to touch, kiss or be anyhow close to him. And I felt no anger either.
I do not downgrade him in any way, he does not look bad, but he was not half as attractive as in my memory :(. He was also not half as nice as in my memory :(.
I wonder if I had been living with a fantasy all this time… :(
now..i am not sure how i feel about him.. i wonder if he ever was my soulmate as i used to say and think?
2 months ago I would have married him and he said that he wants to marry me in the near future.
Now I wonder if he is even my soulmate… wow.
Now I can sit next to him and feel no urge to kiss him… wow.
I might note that over a month ago I said something in the lines of” if you do XYZ I break up with you” and he did it.. he broke up with me and ended it.
It was a stupid immature thing of me to say something like this!
But than again, he went through with the break up!
so maybe it is meant to be the way it is?
and i also find myself thinking of an ex from well... another decade ago.. LOL.. someone i have not thought of in ... well... a decade ;)... and for the first time in one decade I find myself thinking positively of that person. Not positively as in loving that person, but my anger is gone.
I am not angry at anyone anymore, even tough I would have a million reasons to be angry at any of those two exes. I don’t love them anymore, but I do not hate them either. Somehow all of my past has become not so important anymore…
Strange how this can happen : one day you want to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with that person, two month later you find yourself wondering if that person really is your soulmate. :(
i am very confused :(
I send much love and much healing to all of you that have a broken heart ...
your firstfemalepresident ;)