confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
confused
4
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 12:06am

 I have split up with my boyfriend some time ago... more than a month  ago... after a long term relationship.. we have not spoken in that month.

now he has come to see me to talk to me in person. 

he travelled very far just to speak to me.  he told me very confusing things about his feelings and his future plans. he seems really confused. He said that without me he is not sure how to continue his life, but he wants it that way because he did not know how to live life with me either…geee…talk about a man not knowing what he wants in life. o.O

and he confused me too. I thought we were clear, and here he was infront of me saying things that opposed his break up letter and short mean communication up to than.

 when I looked him in the eyes, face to face, I saw just how hurt he was by the break up. But at the same time he seemed very vain, almost like a hurt child that is too proud to speak of his true feelings, but  rather lingers in anger over something that broke instead of talking about it.

he said so often that "this break up is the best thing for both of us" that I started thinking maybe he needs to tell this so often to convince himself.

 i did not oppose or agree. i just listened to him.

at first when the break up happened i did not want it. than i agreed with it about a week later.

I was in pain but I I got over it rather fast, and I have rebuild and reinvented my self way in ways I did not know where possible!

 i have come a long way.  my life actually got better in many many ways, not only through my own doing, some things just started falling into place.

And they continue to do so..

 

Only now after seeing him i feel strange. during the meeting i felt cool, it was like talking to an old friend, i had no urge to touch, kiss or be anyhow close to him. And I felt  no anger either.

 

I do not downgrade him in any way, he does not look bad, but he was not  half as attractive as in my memory :(. He was also not  half as nice as in my memory :(.

I wonder if I had been living with a fantasy all this time… :(

 

now..i am not sure how i feel about him.. i wonder if he ever was my soulmate as i used to say and think?


2 months ago I would have married him and he said that he wants to marry me in the near future.


Now I wonder if he is even my soulmate… wow.

Now I can sit next to him and feel no urge to kiss him… wow.

 

I might note that over a month ago I said something in the lines of” if you do XYZ  I break up with you” and he did it.. he broke up with me and ended it.

It was a stupid immature thing of me to say something like this!

But than again, he went through with the break up!

so maybe it is meant to be the way it is?

 

and i also find myself thinking of an ex from well... another decade ago.. LOL.. someone i have not thought of in ... well... a decade ;)... and for the first time in one decade I find myself thinking positively of that person. Not positively as in loving that person, but my anger is gone.

I am not angry at anyone anymore, even tough I would have a million reasons to be angry at any of those two exes. I don’t love them anymore, but I do not hate them either. Somehow all of my past has become not so important anymore… 

Strange how this can happen : one day you want to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with that person, two month later you find yourself wondering if that person really is your soulmate. :(

 

i am very confused :(


I send much love and much healing to all of you that have a broken heart ...


your firstfemalepresident ;)

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 12:08am
btw. there will be a follow up meeting to this one in a couple of weeks.. he asked for it and i said ok. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: musiclover12
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 1:00pm

I don't really see the point of meeting up with him again.  You already met him once and didn't feel much for him and are already moving on with your life.  He's confused and doesn't know what he wants.  In another two weeks, do you expect your feelings to change and suddenly want him back?  I think it's just preventing you both from moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2012
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 7:16pm

If you don't want to get back together with him, then don't. It sounds like he broke up with you, regretted it (whether that was for the right reasons or not, you can't know), and now wants you back.

But he broke up with you. You don't have to take him back. No matter how much he wants you to or how sad he looks, it's not your repsponsibility to make him feel better.

It's natural to be confused after getting out of a long-term relationship. This was a person that you cared deeply for and you'll probably alwasy carry some sort of emotion towards him. But if you don't feel it, don't make yourself fake it. Move on and find someone that makes you happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Fri, 02-01-2013 - 10:23pm
Thank you Hulk! in fact... now. another month later. He talked to me about his feelings still being mixed up and there is something he wants to say but does not know how..whatever... he did break up with me, maybe he should have thought about such things before breaking up with me. I have met someone else who likes me and cares for me and who seems really nice, i.e. likable.. i am starting to open up to the idea of one day having another relationship ..i kind of accepted that my ex is not going to be the father of my kids and we will never be together again. it is what he wanted. and i have moved on. now he tells me about his feelings..you are right: he broke up with me. he ended it and i have no more responsibility to him. also he has no more right to gain access to me or to set any demands. it is about my happiness now !:).. and i really like this new guy...maybe better to start something new than to go back to someone who already cut me and left me bleeding; it is not so much the breakup, it is how my ex behaved after it that made me change my mind about who he is. and meanwhile, this really nice new guy has been there for me without pressuring me :) i am a lucky girl! :D ..i am human and i have needs...I mourned for months... that has to stop and i have given myself enough time now... you are right my responsibility is to make myself feel better :D and this new guy is really good for me :) there really is no such thing as unconditional love between partners, if someone behaves really really bad, the love will eventually die. but that does not mean that we can not fall in love again... :) thank you! many hugs..