Confused about my feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Confused about my feelings
1
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:42pm

My official breakup with my boyfriend was about 1 1/2 weeks ago. We had gone out for 2 years, broke up in June but continued to see each other off and on for about 4 months. It was a mutual decision to end things, but not really what I had wanted. I really did want us to work. My story can be found in the links to some of my past posts here:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=20920.1&ctx=128
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21155.1&ctx=128

So far, I've been good about no contact and I haven't talked to him since Oct 13th when we officially ended things. This breakup is odd to me though because I keep thinking I should be more upset since this was a guy I thought I wanted to marry. All the past relationships I've had that I've been broken up with have sent me into an emotional wreck. I've even had past problems with depression from breakups and have sought counseling in the past because it got so hard for me to handle. But with this one I don't feel like that and I can't really figure out why.

I still love him, but I guess I just realize it probably will never work out because we seem to want different things out of life and he isn't ready to make me or planning a possible future a priority even though I'm ready for that. He really is the best guy I've ever dated and we always had so much fun together and there was lots of love/caring for each other up until June, so you'd think I'd be more upset.

Honestly, I've hardly cried at all in the last week and a half (except for the first few days) and really not a whole lot even since all this initially started in June, but I was a little more upset/worrisome then from time to time. I feel guilty for not being more hurt/sad about all of this. It's just really weird. I mean, I still think about him a little every day and I have urges to call him/see him once in a while and I do miss him, but it's nothing like what I've felt in past breakups. I don't know if it's just because I'm waiting out this month of NC that we agreed upon and somewhere deep down I think there will be reconciliation, or if I really am just "over" him. I've even thought about dating other people and putting myself out there but I'm a little concerned it may be too soon. Yet part of me feels ready if that makes any sense? I mean, I feel hopeful about being single, already this early into the breakup which has never happened to me before. Do you think it's too soon to think about those kinds of things?

My friends and family are just amazed how calm I've been with this breakup and how I'm handling it compared to past breakups. I'm starting to wonder when the bottom is going to fall out, or if it ever will. Am I just heartless? This was the best relationship I've ever had, it all just seems weird. Maybe it's because I've had a sinking feeling since early on in the relationship that we probably weren't going to work out because of our differences in life plans and somehow I've unconsciously been preparing myself for this all along? I just don't know and it's bothering me that I'm not sadder.

Jen




Edited 10/24/2006 12:50 pm ET by jfur5
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 1:06pm

I think you're in shock and so busy analyzing why you're not more upset that you're distracting yourself from your actual feelings.

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