Confused & Afraid to End It- Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Confused & Afraid to End It- Help!
7
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 5:40pm
I am a new poster to this board. Here is my story. I was in an abusive relationship(verbally) for about a year & did end it. After that I knew I wanted to date a sweet guy who was considerate & gentle. BTW I am 40, never been married, no kids. I met a nice guy, whom is very sweet, gentle, nice...all of the things the abusive man was not. So we have been dating for over a year. He wants to get married. But there are so many things lacking. We live about 70 miles apart. Since he lives w/ his mother(he is 41), he stated he could never spend the night, as she does not think it is right. I told him from the beginning that we would run into problems since we could not be alone (I do not mean sexually). I told him we would not learn very much about each other by going out to dinner & to the movies, we needed some hanging out time. Well it took him months to get over his issue. But while he was taking his time resolving it, and I did not push it, it felt like rejection. I lost feelings for him. I told him that a relationship is not like a DVD, where one can push pause & then come back to it several months later and have it be exactly the same. I did resent his lack of behaving like a grown up, and then did not want to go away for a weekend with him.
He is a very nice guy, but there is no spark or magic. We talk every night, but see each other 1-2 times/week. He really is dating "challenged". He never would make plans & then the weekend would come & we would be unable to get reservations anywhere..I told him in the beginning that I cannot tell him step by step how to date me. It would be like having a relationship w/ myself. I should have ended it along time ago. He is SO concerned about what his extended famiy thinks. He will not stick up for me. One of his cousins, stated to me the first time I met him-"I am trying to be mean to you & give you a hard time". Why would someone behave like that? My BF heard this & did nothing. I said something about it several times, as I would never allow anyone to be purposefully mean to even a friend. He states he did not know how to deal with it. And that is how his cousin is. That shows no respect for me or himself.
AM I being too hard? But it is strange having to tell someone everything on how to date, what to do. I am not mean. But I do think I deserve a grown up person w/ a backbone.
Any suggestions, advice, & crticism are all welcomed. I am very confused. HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 6:26pm
Sassyonetoo -- I know there has been a lot of press and discussion about the new book "He's Just Not That In to You" and some of it not flattering, but I have to tell you that I bought it and read it after I broke up with my boyfriend and it just confirmed that I did the right thing. You should pick it up and read it. At first I thought it might make me feel bad about myself but actually it had the opposite effect. It empowered me to believe that there is someone out there who wants to marry me. I deserve the guy that is going to treat me like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and is going to put me first and will get over whatever his issues are (and they all have them) because he loves me that much. And you deserve this too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 7:33pm
I hate to say it but you went from an abusive man to an immature boy. He's 41 years old, still lives at home, and cares about what his family thinks and doesn't know what it takes to establish a relationship - why are you hanging on to this? He isn't able to give you what you want. My advice, don't try to force it. Let it go. There are other nice guys out there that will make an effort to be with you and hopefully be a bit more established. Good Luck.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:00pm

If you are unable to accept him "AS IS" (and I would have a hard time doing so too, given what you've posted about him), then your only other choice is to end the r'ship. I know ending a r'ship is hard, but you've already made clear what your expectations are, and he's either unwilling or incapable of meeting them. So, you either need to let go of the expectations, or let go of him.

Sheri

Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 12:28am

It sounds like its time to let go.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:43am
Dear Cat-
I have the book and saw the Oprah show. This person wants to marry me, he is always calling me, doing what the guys who are "into you" are supposed to do. I am actually acting like the guys described in the book. I know it is not right. I am so afarid that I will never find anyone due to my age. But that is silly, right? I try to tell myself, he is not for me, he does not give me the wonderful feeling of being in love, or wanting to be with him all of the time. I think I am treating him poorly & I want to be fair.
I have a chance to move to another state, 1500 miles away for a temporary job for 3 months...I am tempted to take it. It would be in an area of the US I have never lived, and I do have a cousin there. Thanks for your encouragement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:56am
Dear Kerry-
Thanks. He does make reservations occasionally. Usually when he thinks about it, he tries & it is too late. I do not push it anymore. He states he is trying & I told him I do like him, but it is hard to get this back on track. He is the one who pressed the "pause" button to get over the issue of not coming to his own home at night. But while he was trying to resolve it(he states it is not his Mom, just it is not what he had ever done), I was waiting in the wings. The relationship was on Hold in my mind. He does want to marry me, even bought an engagement ring. I told him we are far away from that. He calls all of the time & is considerate. BUT, I do not think he knows how to handle a mature relationship.
I am sorry to ramble, but I do not want to kiss him. We did go away after Thanksgiving and I woke up in the middle of the night...he snores & I could not get back to sleep. when he woke up, he kept telling me to try to sleep..I cannot get back to sleep once I am up or hear a noise. It was about 8am when I told him I had a headache did not sleep and needed coffee..instead of telling me to use his car to get it (it was raining or I could have walked), he kept telling me to try to sleep. So at about 9am, I said-I want to go home, so please get up & take a shower. It was a disaster. Even if he does spend a night in a hotel, he does not know how to act. I know I sound mean. But I see myself removing myself mentally more & more.
And I know it is pathetic for me to think I will never find anyone. I think this because I am 40. Any more advice? Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 12:25pm

I am 40 and broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago and have had probably 12 dates with new people since then--if it sounds frantic, you are right, it is and I am actually TIRED of doing the first date thing, but god, age has nothing to do with it, you have several more decades to live and you DON'T want to do it with someone who is just not right for you... If it were me, and it is, actually, because I am in the same position, I would rather be alone than unhappy in the relationship I was in.

Not to say it isn't hard for me now, because no matter who I go out with or how great a time I have, it is not the same as the closeness with someone you have been with for some time even if he annoys the hell out of you most of the time, they all have some good qualities and they become a habit besides. So, be prepared for that, but do the right thing for you, which is to not settle for anything OR lower your expectations, we can always do that in 20 years or so if we have to...

Lisa