confused and down...
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 12:02pm |
I have two isses:
#1) A good friend of mine is mad me because I changed plans for this evening to go to a party where there are elligible bachelors. My initial plans were with a group of friends who I see very often, with NO potential anyone. Well my good friend is angry because I wont be there - she is coming in from the city to the burbs for this 'gathering' to hang out with the group we all went on a vacation with.
My alternate plans are for a party in the city and you know what???? I'm sick of being single and not doing anything about it. For the first time I WANT TO meet someone new . I am excited to start fresh in a hopefully healthy situation. ANY ADVICE???? She wrote me an e-mail calling me unreliable and inconsiderate. I wrote her back and was so offended. Whenever she and I do have plans I AM THE ONE traveling from the burbs to her in NYC, way out of my way. I am the one to ALWAYS make sure she is having a good time when around my other friends. I am the one who is always going the extra mile. Of course she does things for me, but I thought her take on this was harsh? Am I being selfish?
#2) My EX called me last night to basically apologize I think for the severity of last week . He said he was expecting my phone call on his birthday but I never called. He and I talked for a while - he still loves me, etc., etc. but I said I wanted my boyfriend to be proud of having me be a part of his life and not hiding me. I said I wanted a healthy relationship with someone. He is so messed up. He said he called to tell me he didn't hate me and that he wants us to be alright when we run into eachother .
I foolishly asked for a goodnight hig and he wisely declined - phewwww. All in all I was glad he called because it showed he thought of me at least. I have a sneaking suspician he is going to continue to contact me though. He was saying how his family asked about me this weekend and how much they were saying what a nice girl I was . He says he wants me to find someone else and cant wait to see me downtown with a new boyfriend ... WHAT???? He was saying how he is so in love with me and will never be able to say he isn't, but then said "if you love something you set it free." AHHHHHHHH.

I'm sorry you are down isa, you've had a rough couple weeks/months. In my opinion, spending the evening with a good friend because she's making a special trip is the right thing to do. It is one night, and it's your friend. You are saying essentially, that 'finding a guy' is more important to you than her and thats not cool. You are already blowing her off for a man, and you don't even have one yet. (not trying to be mean) It's one night, enjoy her company, and your new singledom. Chill for awhile and just be, you don't have to man hunt right now. I'm afraid it would be a huge rebound anyway. I've been there so many times. Wanting to go out and be strong and sexy with men just dying to talk to me. It's a big ego boost. And it becomes almost a revenge thing to get back at the ex. So what is one night just with a friend?
And the ex, well you know how they are. They say just enough to keep you confused but you gotta focus on between the lines. The part about being happy to see you with someone else crap.... that is a definite sign that he is way over it. The love stuff is probably 'he loves you but not in love' with you stuff. He is setting you free, so you know deep down, as much as it hurts, that you gotta stick with staying away. You got a call from him, so you can leave it on a good note. Work on healing, and try not to take any more calls from him. It will only confuse you more I think, at least it always does me.
Best wishes!! you can do this!
About the friend coming in - she isn't coming just to see me but rather a group of people, WITH her own boyfriend. This party I am going to is actually a farewill party for another girlfriend of mine before she leaves for Europe for the summer to do work toward her PHD. So, just to fill in the gaps, its not just a 'manhunt'.
I appreciate the advice and I am letting my ex go as well.
I just want to calm down and be grounded withOUT all these outrageous thoughts in my mind about him and his declared "love" for me and our impossibility. I told him just to tell me he wasn't "inlove." He insists he is - the crapper.
I've consulted a coworker about this evenings dilemna and she says to go for it because it would be me doing something for myself and that is the way I would like to look at it. Its my birthday on Sunday and I want this weekend to be the way I want it and just once not to think about how this high maintenance, and she can be, friend is going to feel. She is so very dear to me and she knows that. Regardless, she is supposed to go out with me and friends on Saturday night.
I just want someone to back me on this and say I'm not doing anything wrong, but I guess that part is up to me. I DO NOT think I am doing anything wrong but I have this hangup on pleasing everyone, even if that means sacrificing something I want to do. That probably explains a lot about my interaction with my ex as well.
I just took lunch and bought new nailpolish and got a favorite necklace fixed and picked up dry cleaning. Although I have to miss the gym tonight I am looking forward to doing something new tonight. About "rebounds", I am not that kind of person to just be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I just cant. That is probably why I am 28 and have only had 2 real and significant relationships - I have to have it mean something as a couple and if it doesnt I'm uncomfortable and insecure.
I appreciate ALL and ANY advice.
Ok, wishing you luck again, hopefully others will respond. I was nervous to write because everything is read so literal. First off, you are not doing anything wrong with whatever party you go to, just have fun. I thought she was visiting YOU and you both were to attend a gathering, i didn't know she was bringing her beau and seeing ALL of her friends. And you two are hanging saturday night, big difference. thanks for filling in the gaps
I'm glad you are excited and doing things for yourself. Yes he is being crappy. And rebounds.... I wouldn't think you'd sleep with someone ok, meant looking for any man, relationship potential right now would probably be too soon, sometimes called rebound relationships. I was just trying to say be careful. We are all hurting here, you, me, other ivillagers, we just want to stop and keep smiling and lookout for each other, I really do wish you the best in your healing and new endeavors!
birthday wishes as well!!
thankyou thankyou. Dont you ever wish e-mails could have expressions and tone so we could make better reference to the context? LoL
I realize everyone is here to help and we are all in it together. That is the thing I appreciate the most about these boards. Knowing that its normal and not crazy or loony to be going threw these difficult phases and emotions.
So all my best and thanks for your responses and b-day wishes!
-isa