confused and freaked out

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
confused and freaked out
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 1:59pm

Sorry this is kind of long.
Both my ex and I are rather strange people when it comes to relationships. I for one always take them for granted and dont want to spend a lot of time with the person (I'm an only child) no matter how good they are and then they get upset and things get bad. But I often regret this when they get sick of it and break up with me (this has only happened once, but its a dynamic in most of my relationships.

My recent bf (1 and a half years) was really getting sick of my not spending time with him, and what he perceived as my lack of seriousness about the rlationship. On my end, i think I really am guilty of that, and now that he has broken up with me I want another chance. Sometimes I really didn't think he was the one for me either, but I SWEAR i think that about every guy i date, even when i know they are -- but I dont' think we gave it enough of a chance, with me giving it my all, to tell.

Bottom line, i really would like another chance. Last week he wrote me this very very long letter (he's a really wordy guy) saying he had been thinking about this for quite some time, (and I could tell by his behavior that he had) and he would like to end our romantic relationship permananently. He cited his belief that he didnt see it going anywhere, he didnt see us moving in together, and he wanted a chance at some happiness for himself.

He has some serious problems with depression and alcohol and he had just begun to take a new medication and see a new shrink that he says has him feeling better than he has felt in a long time. He knows he has to struggle with his (low level) mania and alcohol addiction but he really does struggle with it. He says he wanted to take this time when he felt better than he had in a while to try to find some happiness for himself.

Anyway, in the letter he mentions a time a few months ago when he tried to talk about lowering our expectations in the hopes that things would miraculously fall into place, and that they did not. He does not like the habits we have gotten in more recently, of not spending time together, etc. it was basically "i can't see us moving in together, so we have to break up." Some of my friends say he's just angry and wants to get a reaction out of me.

He wrote that I should not to call or contact him as he doesnt have the heart for that, and he wants to step away for a few months and maybe then we can connect in a different place and be "heartfelt pals" (he is jealous of a lot of my close male friends, some of them exes, and i admit my behavior isnt so nice on this score either).
We're both difficult people but I do think we are really something special together and I don't want this to be the end between us. Also he said very clearly in his letter that he was not seeing anyone else.

Well after receiving this letter I did not call him but sent many emails explaining how I felt, that I was sorry i had treated him badly and that had led to the bad habits of our interaction lately, and that I could see each other moving in together but we would need to discuss it. I told him I was sorry for my behavior that hurt him but I did think we had a future together if we could give it another try, etc.

Well after all my emails, he sent back a sad breakup song ("it's too late") and said, sorry, it's over, "it's the end of an era," there is nothing we can argue or discuss. let's touch base in a few months.

I wrote him that I wished him well, that's all. After that, nothing from either of us. that was last week.

I really do think we should have another chance and I'm willing to change my behavior (which ,serious, i'm not just being wimpy, i can understand would be REALLY intolerable to someone looking for a serious girlfriend which he was. We're both 39 so we're not kids.

I'm really freaked out that he was a good chance at a relationship that I blew with my "running away" avoidance behavior and I would like a other chance with him.

We live very close to one another in the city (we never run into each other though.)

So do you think he's just angry and hurt and wants to get a reaction from me (he has already done similar things but not extreme, and got a reaction out of me.) Or do you think there is no chance that he will agree to try again.

I have not contacted him for a week, If I really want us to have another chance, really, and I think he would be happy with it, should I wait til next week and call him, and say I want to talk, and tell him the above, or should I wait til July after he's gone on his trip to LA (he's going to visit family and old friends) and call him then? Should I really not contact him at all (I know that's the rule but sometimes it have been my experience that it's easier to get back to gether when you've recently broken up) for good, and wait for him to miss me and come back to me, if he ever does? He seems to be a very stubborn guy and has a lot of resolve. However he's very emotional and the last time he brought this up he really agreed to stick with me and give us another chance.

Yes I know I should work on myself and take care of myself and think about it myself and move on etc. etc. and I am doing that, but this is very important to me.

To wrap this up, while this isn't ALL my fault, I really do think a lot of it is. I would really like another chance with him and I think it would work out. I would be willing to do the things he thinks i'm not willing to do (like move in together).

To that end, would there be a better chance of him coming back if 1. I totally didn't contact him at all, 2. contacted him in July, or 3. next week. Please help with some advice on what is the best way to get him to reconsider this and understand that I can help change our relationship into one in which we are both happy.

Please advise on this, anyone with any advice, I really would like this to not end here, like this.