Confused and heart broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Confused and heart broken
6
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 5:02pm

I have been married 3 years and the past year (or more) have been difficult. More often than not we have been fighting, arguing, or just not even talking to each other. We dated for quite awhile (I was 18 when we first started dating and I am now 26).

I had some anxiety prior to getting married, thinking this is not what I really wanted to do, but I ignored those feelings attributing it to pre-wedding jitters. Now I am having those same anxious feelings and they won't go away. We have seen a couselor and that has not helped. I have tried to ignore these feelings hoping only the good will shine through - all of the bad feelings keep surfacing. I have talked to my friends about this, my sister, and my dad and have gotten different opinions. A lot of people say "oh you're so good together" but they don't know what goes on behind closed doors - we're just making it look good. They don't understand the anguish that I am going through!!!!!

Today we had the talk (again!!!) and I think it has been finalized to get a divorce. However, it tears me apart seeing my husband cry and get hurt, even though deep down he knows neither of us are happy. When I see him hurt it makes me second guess my/our decision. Someone pls offer some support and helpful words to help me better understand my situation! Thanks so much for reading this and helping me out!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 7:16pm
Have you and your husband ever considered trying marital counseling or have you ever tried personal counseling? If you aren't happy in your marriage why live your life miserably?..life is definately too short to live that way. I know it is hard to hurt somebody in the process, but sometimes you need to put your needs as number one. Sometimes relationships just don't work out..the other person could be the nicest person in the world...but things just aren't working out no matter what you try. You both will probably find that you feel relieved when you break it off...the stress is actually making the decision to follow through with what you are feeling. I hope that helps you out a little!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 8:55pm
Marriage counseling has been done and it failed. I am at a loss of what more we can do to try to save this marriage and I honestly don't know how much more I can take of it. Thanks so much for your input and I hope there is more to come!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 12:18am

I can hear the sadness and the sense of loss in the tone of your post, I'm so sorry.

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:24am

Hi Emmy, I'm sorry you have reached this point of pain, but welcome to life. I have read your post a few times and the last few times I read it I saw things I had not noticed before. First, it seems as if both you and your husband are unhappy, is that right? And it sounds like you have come to a mutual decision that divorcing may be an option, is that right? That is a tough decision to come to, and I'm sure it hurts you to see him cry. It's hard for me to help you see your situation for several reasons:

* I have never been married;

* I don't really have any details about what's making you unhappy;

* I don't really know anything about your relationship and whether or not you had any relationships prior to meeting your husband.

I think having that kind of information would really help us to help you. But I can understand if you don't feel comfortable divulging more.

There are two additional ivillage messageboards you might want to post on:

Should I Stay or Should I Go is for people who are trying to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlshouldista

Surviving Divorce might also be a good place to go to see what it's like over on the other side and what you can expect if you do decide to go ahead with a divorce:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsmartdivor

Hang in there. You will probably get more input from other board members tomorrow during the day ... You've come to a good place for support and understanding, but ultimately, you're going to have to make these tough choices on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:44pm

I think a lot of the problems stem from me feeling like we were married at a very young age. I was 22 but we had dated for 5 years prior to that. I know I felt nervous about getting married, but society made me feel like that was the next step I needed to take in life. It's so difficult to go through this right now because my husband and I could talk so calmly about everything but looking back he was in such denial and he didn't really think anything was going to come from that and we would just stay together. Anytime we would argue and bring up separation he would come back to me and say "I want to work it out" or "I don't want to break up" and that's where my anxiety of all of this comes into play. I can't go back and forth with this and that's what's going on now. I was getting my emotions played with and I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from all of this.

He's realizing the finality of it (separation) and obviously is scared, as am I. The hardest part is we are still living together. We are planning on selling our house and getting apts for a couple of months and see how it goes. It's so hard to do all of this because I am doing it on my own. My husband won't do any of the calling around, he hasn't told any of his family/friends about this. And my parents are incredibly disappointed in me, so they said. I am relying on my friends and my sister (and of course this board!!!) So I thank you for any replies.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 4:38pm
Have you gotten a chance to post on those two boards I mentioned to you?