Confused and Heartbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2012
Confused and Heartbroken
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 12:38am

My ex and I met about 3 yrs ago when we worked together. At the time he wasn't a great guy in some ways, had a lot of issues with partying and such, but I still fell for him. Needless to say he was basically my first "love". I waited on him for a few years, going through a few small relationships on the way to him. Then, we happened to talk again last year around Thanksgiving. He told me I was everything he had ever wanted, and he finally realized that after joining the army. I fell SO hard for him, even more than head over heels. He became my everything, and I didn't know what to do without him. Being in the army, he was stationed 800 miles away from me, so a phone was our only communication most times. He came home to see me this summer for my bday and we had an amazing time together, everyday was a fairytale. Then I went to see him in September, and it was the same way then as well. We didn't really have many issues or arguments at all during that time. Then, just 3 weekends ago I went to a miltary ball with him. It was an absolutely AMAZING weekend, and I couldn't have asked for better. We ended up having sex that weekend (my first time), and it was everything I could've imagined it would be. He was gentle and kind, and treated me like a princess afterwards, holding me, cuddling me, kissing me. He cried in my arms three times in one day before we had to say goodbye the next day. Then, we both got back to where we live, and all the sudden things changed. He started not wanting to talk to me as much, and just being really distant. I kept trying to reach out to him, and he wouldn't accept it. He told me he couldn't always be "lovey-dovey" basically. He started not answering my calls or texts for a few days, and it really really hurt me that he did that. When I did talk to him on the phone he was distant, and would put me on hold so he could talk to his friends. He then wouldn't want to talk afterwards, and we would end up ending the call on a bad note. It just steadily got worse over that week, and I became more and more hurt. We had a lot of arguments and threw around a ton of hurtful words. I was so shocked because he had NEVER treated me that way before, and everytime we had an argument we would resolve it right away. I have a very strict family, and they had never agreed with the relationship in the first place, and they didn't think he would be a spiritual leader for me so that was always in the back of my mind. I talked to him about it, and he didn't think he could be the spiritual leader for me because he had a hard enough time doing it himself. It was a very emotional conversation for both of us, and we both said things we didn't mean last Monday. He was being hurtful by laughing at comments his roommate was making about our conversation in the background. I was really really upset, and I don't ever cuss, but I was cussing at him because he was being disrespectful by laughing. I was mad because I gave him my EVERYTHING, every piece of me which I'd never given to any other man, and that was how he repaid me. I also knew that it was a good possibility that he was pulling away because he was scared of what was coming. He planned on proposing at Christmas, and it made it a million times harder to break it off with him...knowing I was giving up a ring and a life forever with him..I know that we had some issues because I've been going through a depression for the last few months, and it has caused a lot of issues in our relationship with communication between the two of us. He didn't know how to handle it so he basically wanted me to handle it on my own, which made it so much harder because I really needed his support all the way through. Don't get me wrong, he tried to cheer me up some, but then he'd get frustrated and give up for awhile..I just don't know what to do..He was my whole world, still is, and we planned on spending everyday we could together since he's here now where I live, and now we're not together, and he's in the same town as me:(...New Years would've been our one-year anniversary, and it kills me to go through the holidays without him, especially when he's only 20 min away from him the 18 days he's home. He just flew in tonight and I was bawling my eyes out and still am because I couldn't be there to see him, hug him, and kiss him when he got here..It hurts so much because I know he's deploying in March, and I can't support him anymore or love him like I want to..Did I make the right decision??? If so, how do I start to heal because I'm hurting so bad right now that I can't breathe. It's like a semi hit me...that's what it feels like at the moment. I don't want to talk to anyone, but just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day and all night..I'm so heartbroken, and can barely pull myself out of bed in the mornings to face the day anymore..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 11:13am

I'm not really sure what decision you made--did you decide not to see him or vice versa?  I'd just like to make some points for you to think about:

1.  You say that you've been dating for a year yet most of this time you only had a phone relationship.  You spent a few weekends together and of course it was great cause it was like a little vacation--it's pretty easy to get along and have fun for a few days but it's not the same as real life.  Plus he's deploying which I assume is for 6 mos-1 yr.  You shouldn't even think about making plans to get married until you have been able to live in the same town and actually be together ini person a lot of time for 1-2 yrs.  Then you will each find out what the other person is like.

2.  You seem to be relying way to much on this guy.  Men generally don't like women who are too clingy and dependent.  You should be able to manage your life w/o him.  I always cringe when a woman says that a guy is her "whole life."  As the saying goes, the man should be the frosting on the cake, not the whole cake.  If you are depressed, it's not your BF's job to make you happy and it's not possible anyway.  The person who is depressed needs to work on that themselves by therapy and possibly medication.  I was married to someone w/ bipolar disorder and did a lot of reading on depression & bipolar.  It's hard to live with someone who is depressed--I think 50% of partners of people who are depressed end up depressed themselves.

3.  I'm not sure why you expect a guy to be your spiritual leader.  I know in some more conservative Christian faiths, the man is expected to be the leader, but you should have your own relationship with God and he should have his.  Why do you need a man to lead you?  If you are religious, then I could understand that you want a man who will go to church with you and follow the same beliefs but I think you are putting a burden on him to be the leader and it seems like he doesn't want that.