Confused and hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Confused and hurt
1
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 1:41am

I am not real sure if I have a question, but I do feel like getting my feelings out and to receive any support or advice. Thanks to anyone who reads this -- it is kinda long.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. He was my first real boyfriend and we are both 20. We had been going out for 2.5 years, breaking up 2 other times. The first time we broke up was a year into the relationship. I found out that he kissed another girl during his senior trip. I found out 3 months after it happened from my sister who heard it from a friend. He denied it for about 2 hours, before he finally told me the truth. We broke up for a month and then we got back together. I honestly believe that he was truely sorry and I completely trust him to this day. The second time we broke up, he broke up with me about 9 months after the first break up. We seemed to be fighting often about sex and affection. He said I was not as affectionate as I used to be and did not want to have sex as often. The sex was always enjoyable and I didnt feel less interested -- to me, he seemed less understanding when I didnt want to do anything. Anyway, this break up lasted for about a month.

I love him so much. I care about him as a person and will always care about him and love him. I am still in love with him as well. This is why the break up is so hard. He has some major trust issues that I cannot figure out. Last Saturday, he went out with some friends and I did the same. I am not a partier and devote a lot of time to my school work and this was the first time I went to party since school started in August. Before I went out, he asked me if I was going to be drinking and I told him no. However, I ended up drinking a few beers, thinking it was no big deal and ended up calling him to say hi. He was immediately angry with me and yelled at me on the phone, breaking up. He told me that he didnt want a girlfriend who drank and that he didnt trust me when I drank and was very angry that I "lied" to him. He is not a saint by any means. He drinks occasionally and last year threw numerous parties at his house and I would call him and hear other girls screaming in the background and he was drunk already. Even though he had a prior cheating experience, I trusted him completely. That is why I cannot figure out what I did to lose his trust. I honestly have never even thought about cheating on him and am not a flirty person. This was the first time I went out all year and I talked to only one guy, who was a friend I already knew. I admit, I do get more friendly when I drink, but I know my limits and have never crossed the line. The only person I get friendly with is him.

Well, I went to bed upset and woke up the next morning to have an email from him saying that he was sorry for yelling, but he was just mad. He ended up coming up to my school to talk about things and we both decided that breaking up was probably best. He had trust issues and we fight often. I know that he is a controlling person. A few weeks ago, I mentioned studying abroad and he told me he didnt like that idea. I know it is because he thinks I will cheat on him in another country... I know it sounds stupid, but I guess he think that because mostly likely I could get away with it. I dont want to be held back by anyone. I am a pre-med major with a lot of dreams that I want to achieve. Still this is hard and I am a mess. I miss him so much. We have been such good friends and I depend on him. He wants to stay friends, but I am smart enough to know that that isnt healthy and unlikely. I know that I havent put him in the best light, but he is a great guy that can make me laugh and makes me feel beautiful. I am not sure if I am just going through this stage or I actually want to get back together. And I know it is harder because he is my first love. I have also made all the contact since we split and I feel stupid and want to quit.

I would appreciate any advice or just words of encouragement. Thanks again for reading! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 11:49am

veronicatrugirl...

Pianoguy knows what you're going through! Ironically, he remembers his first serious break-up (with a g/f from high school) and for PG...it was a MAJOR CRISIS!

This probably isn't what you want to hear...but I think men and women can 'bond' with each other, but aren't necessarily GOING TO BE 'BOUND' TO EACH OTHER? Both halves of a couple often have personal needs or desires that the other 'half' may (or may not) be able to fulfill? This doesn't necessarily make either one of you BAD PEOPLE....just incompatible!

If you feel you were being 'controlled' by the EX now, 'fast forward' 3 years into the future and a possible marriage with this man? Do you think his temperment would improve? Or just GET WORSE? Do you think he'd cheat on you with somebody else? Give these possible scenerios some serious thought while you think about your break-up.

Then FOCUS ON YOUR PROFESSIONAL DREAMS.

You've chosen an excellent field...and while I'm sure it's impossible to contemplate any 'future contacts' who will eventually enter your life---YOU PROBABLY WILL BE VERY PLEASED BY AT LEAST ONE OF THEM?

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy