Confused and in need of some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Confused and in need of some advice
5
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 6:52pm

Hey everyone.

I posted once a while ago after i found out that my boyfriend was having an EA with a girl from work. If you want the back story I posted in "ask the relationship saver" and the title is "am I overreacting?" He told me the EA was over I found out that it had continued so I asked him to leave for a few days. I needed to think and calm down. Well, long story short, I decided that I wanted to try and work it out and see what would happen.
Ever since he has come back things have slowly gone down hill. All we do is argue. I find myself bickering with him for everything and he is so clingy and emotional. I have noticed so many little things that drive me crazy and some big one's that before he betrayed me I was willing to overlook. He's immature, irresponsible, and I always feel like I'm taking care of him. I mean if I'm not home to make dinner or if I'm to tired and only want to have a sandwich, he just won't eat. He takes everything too seriously and what starts out as joking becomes a huge fight.
I really am not sure this is the person I want to be with. BUT, I am not sure what to do. I know this is no reason to stay with a person but I worry about what will happen to him if I kick him out. He has very little family and those he does have, would not take him in. Also, he has totally alienated his friends (another reason I don't think I want to be with him). I don't want to spend my life being his mother. And I don't think I can trust him after what happened. How do I tell myself that I need to do what's best for me without feeling like an awful person? I don't want him to be homeless. The car he drives is my second car. He has a terrible job that doesn't pay well and I don't want him to end up homeless. But I'm so unhappy and miserable. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 8:53pm

First of all, its not your responsibility to be his mother. He has family, he needs to work it out with them, or find his own place. He's an adult right?

Secondly it sounds like you're falling out of love with him. This happened to me when I lived with a guy. He behaved badly, lied, took me for granted and I asked myself the same question: Do I want to spend the rest of my life being his mom.

I decided I didn't. Little things about him began to really get on my nerves, things I had never noticed before. I now realize this was a sign that my feelings for him were starting to wane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 9:54pm

On an alternate note, you could try counselling. You're angry over this EA and you're taking it out on him right now (and heck, rightfully so). Therapy might help to guide you over the anger a little faster.

all the best

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 11:04pm

Welcome to the board shann512,


Here's the link to your previous post: Am I overreacting


He is responsible for himself that includes where he will live in the future, his relationship with his family and friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2007
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 11:17pm

Hey I know what you are going through I am in a similar situation myself at the moment with my ex not that he is still living with me but I am finding it hard to cut off from him. It feels like I am kind of turning my back on him a bit leaving him when he is so vulnerable but the thing I am now saying to myself after some good advice on here actually is that I can't care for him in that way right now and you shouldn't have to care for your man either especially if it is making you unhappy. The thing is we feel that if we weren't there would they cope would they be ok? well the answer is yes they managed before we came along so they will do it again that sounds a bit harsh but they will. Why put your life on hold which is effectively what you are doing by staying in this relationship. On the other hand Suzanna's suggestion of counseling maybe a good idea for you but what ever you decide make sure its for you and not for anyone else because you will end up hurting yourself in the long run if you base your decision on whether or not he would be able to cope. take care and be happy k x

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 8:53pm
Thank you all for the wonderful advice! I still am not sure what I am going to do. or really how I am going to do it. I don't think counseling would be good for us. Only because I don't think he'd go. I would but I know how he would react if I brought it up. The more I think about it the more I am just thinking that it's for the best that I end it. I just don't know how to do it, what to say, or how not to make it any more hurtful than it's already going to be. And I need to stop worrying about him and focus on me (that sounds so selfish to me!)Thank you all!