Confused and Sad because he's gone.
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Confused and Sad because he's gone.
| Mon, 07-30-2007 - 2:36pm |
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months. We love eachother very much. When his lease was up at his apartment he started moving all his stuff into my house. I let it go for two montbs before I said anything. I finally did a month ago and ever since then he has been freaking out. Talking about committment problems and he needs his place. So yesterday he moved out and went to stay with a friend of his. He told me that he just needed a break and some space to clear his head and get himself organized again. He says he loves me deeply and that he feels this is very very important to the success of our relationship and he doesn't want to break up. He doesn't know how long this break is going to be though. He says it could be two weeks or two days. I'm heartbroken and confused. My problem is when he gets all this worked out and finds his own place and we continue to date I'm going to feel like we have taken a step backwards and that he will never want to move to another step. I don't know what to do! I love him so much.!

Repeat after me:
Thank you for your reply. Your posts did bring s little bit of comfort. It shed some light on what might really be going on with him. I just wish I knew. I hate wondering what is going on in his head. Is he really coming back? We have spoke or seen eachter everday for the last 9 months so this is killing me. I'm having to stay with a girlfriend b/c I cant bear to be in my house if he isn't there. I know I need to be strong and try to live a normal life but it's soooo hard.
Hi! It's me again. Still dealing with this "break" and it's killing me even though it's only been 3 days. I have been strong when it comes to getting in contact with him. I have not made one call, email or text. I believe what you said and he asked me on Sunday to give this to him. He said he is going to need some time. First it was maybe two weeks. Well I freaked about that and he asked that I please do this for him. That he was doing this for us. He said that this was the most serious relationship he has ever been in and the fact that he is freaking out and acting like this is because he has such feelings for me. He said he loves me deeply but needed to get his head on straight b/c he knew that the way things were going with us was hurting me very bad. Then he said "Hell I'll probably be running back to you in a couple of days" "we will be talking" and "I'll come over and see you before you go out of town" (I'm going out of town this weekend) I asked him to hold me and he did a few times and we both cried. When he was leaving I asked him to hold me one more time (I know...I know...wrong) and he said he couldn't because if he did he wouldn't be able to let go. After he left he called a good guy friend of mine to let him know what had happend, that he was worried about me and to check on me. He also told him that him and I were not done, that he just needed some time and that he wanted me if I would have him. Well it's Wednesday and NOTHING! I understand that men are different than women but I would think that he would at least send some kind of checking in text. Just something small to let me know he is thinking about me and that he is ok. Sorry for the long story but I just need and want to feel better about this and to feel that my strength is paying off. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I miss him so bad it hurts and the longer this break goes without contact the more I'm starting to believe that this is not a break but a break up.
What is your take on all this?
Thanks
Hola little_one8,
My take on all this is that women usually do a lot more agonizing over breaks than is healthy or necessary. Truthfully, that is the case.
It doesn't have to happen, though. As nearly impossible as it will sound to you, you need to at least act as if you've put him and his break drama out of your mind. As far as he's concerned or anyone who could get information back to him, you're doing just fine. You may think I'm crazy for even suggesting such a notion, but I'm talking to you as someone who's already gone through what you're just now going through, as someone who's already seen the effects time and again of what you're doing and how it's not going to help your cause vs. what the alternative would be. So I'm telling you what *will* work, which is to focus focus focus on everything except him. You don't have to believe me, if you did do exactly what I'm suggesting during this break, you might actually be the first ;) It's hard to believe there might be a better or even just different way when you're in the middle of it, which is understandable. Won't get you anywhere to agonize over the situation, but it's understandable. Still won't get you anywhere ;)
If you're leaving town over the weekend and he's aware, I wouldn't expect him to contact you any earlier than about a minute before you actually leave, that's just the way it is. Personally, I wouldn't expect ANY contact at all, and if it does happen then fine. Some people will say, "He *should* contact since he said he would," but those people probably live very pissed off and disappointed lives. Most people will not do things the way we want or would do ourselves, so it's pretty unfair to hold others to our own standards of conduct. Do yourself a favor and don't punish people (especially the man in your life) because he hasn't met some unsaid expectation of yours.
He already set up a "check in" system, remember your mutual guy friend? That's him checking in with you without having to deal with your all-over-the-place emotions, so he's covered. Seriously, guys do not think the way women do. I wish women would stop trying to turn men into their best girl friends ;)
Go do something good for yourself, for your home, your community or your environment. When my ex asked for his break, I painted the shutters on my house and landscaped the front yard with some indigenous and drought-hardy plants and I didn't start really worrying until at least the sixth day, that's when I knew he'd been thinking too long ;) So you can either be a "drama queen" about it, or you can chill, your choice... ;)
Good luck!
Hello Sandra,
Thank you and I cant tell you how much strength you and this message board has given me. I had already decided not to contact him after he walked out the door and before I came to this site. But after reading here I realize that what I'm doing is right and I feel much stronger about it. Even if it hurts like hell! I miss him like crazy but the last thing I want to do is make things worse and even more I want to feel better. Earlier tonight a girlfriend and I were talking about painting my bedroom and buying new things for it so it would be earsier or even give me an incentive to want to sleep there again. that has been my house for 5 years and I cant believe I'm letting a 9 month relationship run me out of there. I'm gonna choose to not be a drama queen and take it day by day. Yes I'm gonna have my bad times, I'm having one right now but i know what needs to be done. Thanks for all your advice!
P.S. I loved the article The Zen of Doing Nothing.