Confused! I don't get it!!!
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| Wed, 09-07-2005 - 10:55pm |
Hi everyone. I'm new here, but I've been reading the board for a while.
I'm 29 and bf and I broke up I'd say beg of Aug. We were together for 10 mo. I know not a long time, but I felt so close to him and felt he was the one I wanted to share my life with again. I was married for 5 years, and divorced a year ago.
Exbf and I were friends for the last year of my marriage. Our daughters were friends, so they used to come over one day a week and play. I was married at the time.
A month after I moved out of exhusband's house, exbf and I were spending more time with each other. Then shortly after that we had sex and started our relationship. He is the most sensual, erotic guy I've ever been with. We had such a sexual connection and I just loved the way he was so passionate and holding me so tight after. I didn't want to rush our relationship and wanted to heal from my divorce, but I started to feel for him quick. He's the one who said "I love you" first and I couldn't say it back until I was sure of my feelings. I really didn't know what love was/is. Well about 2 mo after he said it, I said it.
Anway, a couple months before we ended it, things just started to go wrong. We kept having issues that we couldn't resolve, then something else would come up. We had some differences in there too. We just couldn't make it better. I'm not good at communicating, but was trying and wanted to work on it.
The second week of Aug. he went to Cali to get away from everything. (we live on other side of country). He stayed at some girls house that he plays his computer game with. He just met her on 4th of July wkend when everyone that he plays with came to meet.
At first, I was like omg wtf.. trusted him, and thought nothing of it, since there was gonna be some guys there as well that he plays with.
Well when he came back, I thought maybe we could work things out, but told me that our issues are to far gone and it's to late. He said he wasn't sure, but thinks that his feelings for me had changed in the course of the last mo or so. But told me that he's always gonna hold a piece of me in his heart and always care.
A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he's interested in someone yet, he said he's talking with someone.. Then he wouldn't tell me until I bugged him. He said he's talking with someone on the comptuer. I knew exactly who it was. I asked him if they slept together when he went to CA. He said no.. But finally he told me they did when I emailed him that my instints were telling me they did.. I asked him why he lied, he said he didn't want to hurt me, and that I'm hurting enough..
Someone please explain this to me.. If a man says he's a man of his word.. then why do they lie? and not practice what they preach?
Ok, so now he's going back to CA in a few weeks and Nov. Then he's moving out there next year to get away from this area. He's moving in with her. He's moving away from his DD.
He just met her once in July.
When he came back from CA, we slept together and he held me tight that night. I had no idea he slept with her!! (geese you wonder why so many people have std's)
He still wants to have sex with me.. we've been talking, sexual talk for a while, and we actually had sex last Fri. The sex with him is so incrediable, and I miss the intimacy and him holding me so tight after. But after, I told him I can't do that anymore, I miss him so much and I can't be intimate without being in a relationship with him.
I asked him since he slept with me, does that mean he cheated on her. He said they're not together??? What! I'm confused.. you go out there to see her and probably live with her but you're not together.. I don't get any of this!!! I know what you're all thinking.. he's a player!! But he's not!! In fact he's the total opposite and it's not in his character to be one. That's why I don't understand any of this. Before he left for CA we were talking and trying to work out our issues, and I even spent the night with him. But I think we kinda knew it wasn't gonna work, so we said we wanted to be friends. Then a week later he sleeps with someone new..
AUGH!!!
So that's where I stand right now.. lost, confused, hurt, lonely, depressed, missing him, wanting to understand so I can go on with my life..
sorry so long...

Of course your post was long, there is SO much to say, isn't there? Sorry you are having to deal with this difficult time. Do your best each day to stop wondering about him, what he thinks, how he feels, and shove your brain into the road of concentrating on you.
What do you want from your new, single life? (Besides being held and great sex... We all have times when we have to be happy without that particular spice.) What useful and fulfilling projects are you going to throw your energies into? Make some plans. Good luck.
hi,
first let me say that i'm sorry for the pain and agony he caused but be thankful that it was only 10 mths and not 10 yrs. clearly, this man can't be trused, he played you and now he's playing her. he's not a man of his word, his morals, values and actions say different. let him go!!! you deserve someone who's honest, dependable and trustworthy. so what the sex is incredible, the longer you continue to have sex w/him the longer your going to feel emotionally connected to him. STOP!!!!!!!!! move on, i know it seems like there's no sun but you will do yourself alot of good if you walked away now. the longer you stay in contact w/him the longer he's going to string you along and play w/your emotions and the longer its going to take to heal. ultimately, the decision is yours to make but first ask yourself this do i deserve the treatment that this man is giving? if the answer to this question is no - then you know what to do.
btw - don't worry about why he chose to lie the truth is - is that you will never know. his actions have already said plenty.
best wishes to a speedy recovery.
It's not like that.. He wasn't a player.. He's just a typical guy who wants to have sex.. He knows it was good with me and he misses it.. But I did tell him that I can't. I told him that it would be a way for me to get him back.. We had sex last Fri, and it didn't make him come back, but the sex was different. It was more rough. Sure I liked the rough sex when it was like that, but I miss the soft romantic sex. He said he wanted to cuddle me after, but couldn't. He knew how I would feel after.
I keep bugging him, like calling him, txting him, emailing him. I told him I didn't want to contact him for 2 weeks and try to be friends, but I can't stop contacting him. So yesterday he's ignoring all my calls, and texts.
He's a great guy though. He's the one who made me realize that I needed to work on myself. He told me that I'm beautiful and sexy. I know I shoulda realized that by myself and didn't need him to tell me but, I'm thankful that I can finally realize that I am beautiful.
Through our relationship things weren't perfect. I always pictured us married, and him being lazy, and having his friends over smoking pot, or him over his friends house smoking pot. We always said we wanted to do more things like go hiking and stuff, but we always just ended up staying at his house and him playing his computer game.
But it hurts to think that he's such a great guy. He's caring, sensitive, and has great knowledge of certain things that I find very attractive. It's just hard to let go!!!
I told him I can't be friends.. it hurts to much and he's moving to CA next year.. that hurts a lot...
Augh.. i'm aggravated.. I want to get on with my life and live a simple life..........
Well, as I'm sure you already know, you are definitely not alone. The way men behave can seem very conflicted an confusing. I was in a similar situation with my ex. He seemed like he was a great guy, he was smart, caring, and seemed like a genuinely nice person. Our relationship had its ups and downs, but nothing extreme. I knew he wanted to get married, so much so that he begged me to go ring shopping with him on more than one occasion.
I agreed to the ring shopping and I pointed out a bunch of things that I liked one weekend. That ended up being the last time I ever saw him! At the same time he was begging me to go ring shopping, he was developing a friendship/relationship with another woman! Two weeks later (we were somewhat long distance becaused I was in school) he left me for the other girl... this is the same guy who was so sure about me he wanted to go ring shopping!
Anyway, I spent weeks thinking about what had happened and trying to make sense. I was devistated by what had happened. Then, my best friend was diagnosed with cancer and I just totally lost it. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I went to a shrink and told him about my situation with my ex and how I just could not make sense of it. The shrink told me that there just is no way to make sense of what happened because it just does not make any logical sense; all I could do was accept what had happened and move forward. So I did...
So, the point of my longwinded post is that you are not going to ever make sense of your ex's actions; they don't make sense. What is best for you is to stop analyzing (easier said than done, I know) and move forward. Stop worring and thinking about the things that you cannot change, and focus in on what you can. You can't change your ex's mind about what he does with his life, but you can stop sleeping with him. You can choose to get up everyday, work out, eat healthy foods, and you can choose to be your best self. By doing that, not only will you feel better, you won't stay single or be thinking about your ex for long!