Confused-need insight

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Confused-need insight
4
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 4:31pm

My BF of 2 yrs and 4 months told me on Thursday that he is not happy. He loves me, but, not in love with me. He said the "in love feeling is gone". I said we can work on that, I also felt that our relationship was at a standstill recently. He seemed distant recently, bad moods, and depressed. I was also feeling depressed and moody. He said that he did not know how to tell me and that this was hard for him to do. I am ready to address our problems now, but , he said we tried. And, that it did not work. I don't believe we tried at all. I told him he was giving up on our relationship. I said we have something special her. The last time, he was about to break up with me. He gave me an ultimatum. Break up or move in.

We decided to move in together in July next year. We were discussing where we want to live and how much we both look forward to living together.We are both very stubborn people and also have our own communication issues we have been trying to work out. In the last two weeks, his Grandmother has been in the hospital. I know this is added more stress to him and he also is worried about his financial situation.

On our last conversation over the phone, where he was telling me how unhappy he has been, he and I were going to meet in person later that night. He did not want to tell me what was wrong over the phone initially, but, I insisted to know. I told him that we can overcome this and be closer. He said that the "in love feeling was gone". We left it at that. I was very upset the rest of the day.

He called back and left a message on my voicemail. He said that he needed more time to work things out and he could not meet me that night. He also said that his grandmother was back in Critical Care and that he needed to be with his family now. And, he's not blowing me off. He said he still wanted to see me and suggested we have dinner next week. He said to call him.

I returned the call the same day and left a message for him. I said that I understand that he needed to do what he needs to do and to call me about dinner next week. I also told him to give his family my love. I am also worried about his grandmother.

I called him yesterday and left him a message about his grandmother. I haven't heard from him yet and I don't know what to do. I love him so much and this past weekend was hard for him he said. He said he was pretending nothing was wrong and he could not do it anymore. Pretending that everything was OK. I felt that he was upset and I was also upset. But, I didn't know how to bring it up. We also had a talk last week that things were feeling negative. We agreed to be more open about our feelings and he said that he would work on his intimacy issues and I would not hold my feelings in anymore. He said that he just wanted to be in our own place and we can be ourselves again. Right now, he has two roommates.

What do I make of this? We have spent every weekend together for the last 2 years or so. I have things at his place. I love him and don't want to lose him because of issues that have not been addressed in his past relationships and my past relationships. I want to work this out.

These last few days have been very hard. We had plans this weekend. Now, I am home and he needs more time to work things out.

What do you think he means by that? Is he sorting out his feelings? I know he loves me and he knows that this is hurting me. But, help me make some sense out of this! I want to see him and I am not calling him. Just waiting.

One thing about my boyfriend is that he is a moody person and sometimes gets depressed and I try to support him. So, this has got me crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:20am

I'd leave it up to him to call you back OR set up a time to meet. Don't ask him why or call him anymore. It seems that your BF isn't sure if he wants to work at getting back to the "in love with you thing" with you. Perhaps, he feels that now it's the time to decide if "you're the one" for him. Apparently in his mind you're not.

It'll be hard for you, but by calling and calling him more you'll be making him not wanting to contact you at all. I'm sorry this happened, but at this point it's best if you give him time and space like he asked you to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:32pm
Thank you. It's just so hard not to analyze our relationship right now. I am reading a book,
"Make up, Don't Break Up" by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. This is helping me deal with this. It gives me a different perspective on what I am going through. But, I am still so sad this happened. It brings up so much emotion and issues I haven't been addressing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:20pm

I can relate to your situation. I had been in a 5yr relationship, lived wiht him for 3 of it. About 4mos ago, he started acting more moody, irritable, shady and started needing to hang out wiht other people a lot more. We were going to move to a new apt in a month and our anniversary was coming up, and all of the sudden he tells me that he needs more space and that he thinks that after 5yrs, he should be able to say for sure that he wants to be with me and he can't. And he also said what your guy said that he can't completely say he's "in love" with me anymore.

Well, 3mos later I've moved into the new place alone, we broke up but still try to talk once in awhile, and I'm feeling a little more in control of things, although they are still very messed up. I felt just like you and said to him that I thought he was giving up on things and that we could work through it together, but now I see that if he isn't willing to work on it right now, you can't make him. And time apart does not mean that you've failed or that there's anything wrong with YOU. I didn't even want to tell anyone at first bcs we've been together so long and many of our friends are mutual. But in the time we've been broken up, I've come to some realizations too that I think have been for the best. And I know he has too. He's said "I know now I should've done better with X" and in some twisted way, I know that's progress.

I have two points of advice for you that I found in a book and have helped me:

-"perceptions are fluid unless we seal them in place" meaning that if you keep telling yourself "we're meant for each other", etc, and maybe right now you are not, you are just setting yourself up for more suffering. Don't let yourself be in denial that things will just go back to how they were. Keep your mind open to change, whatever it might be.

-don't take on pain that isn't yours - don't let his confusion overwhelm you. Compromising your wants and needs and boundaries is not going to be helpful. I've spent the last 3mos waiting for him to "get over it" and he hasn't yet, so now I'm realizing that I can't just wait around for him. When he figures it out, maybe I'll be there and our relationship can be stronger, or maybe I won't and I'll find someone better for me.

I wish you much luck. I know I never would've expected to be in this situation, and have gone some days with my emotions changing by the hour, which is not normally like me, and I know how much it sucks. So I hope things work out one way or another for you (and me too since it's still uncertain) although it may feel like a very slow process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 8:55pm
I just found out online that his grandmother died before New Year's Eve. I was looking up her address to send a card to her husband because she was still in the hospital. I want to be there for my boyfriend or soon to be ex. Do I call him or do I send him a condolence card? I don't want to put any stress on him. He's never had to go through a death of a family member before. I know that he is having a hard time dealing with the reality of death. I really want to call him and let him know that I care. But, I also want to respect the family's time to grieve. What do I do?