Confused over H. or old love

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Confused over H. or old love
1
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:55am
I can't stop dreaming about this guy I was madly in love with over 18 years ago. There's hardly a day that goes by without me dreaming or thinking about him and everytime I see him it seems like we have this moment...this connection...I think I'm losing my mind. I'm married now (16 years, my husband suffers from depression and refuses to get help. He's been saying for the longest time that he doesn't want to live long and I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to live a life with someone who doesn't want to get help and make plans to live a life with me in the future. He keeps on saying he's only going to be around as long as our kids need him ("until his job his done" is his words) and he leaves it at that. "He says we all have to go sometime and I'd rather go sooner than later"...I can't live like this. I don't know what to do...why am I investing in a relationship which can end at any moment he chooses...doesn't he make it sound like that? He's a great man, great father, wonderful provider, he says he loves me and I think I love him but it hurts too much and it makes me sick to my stomach this situation. Then I think of what I could have with this other guy whos divorced and seems to connect with me. We had so many things in common, but didn't get together because he was seeing someone when we met. Then I met my now husband. What do I do? Do I persue this lost friendship or do I stick it out? HELP PLEASE!!!!:{
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 12:33pm

People change a lot in 18 yrs. Right now due to your situation with your husband, it seems appealing, but it's not really real. It's an escape, it looks great, it holds a future you really want, but it doesn't consider daily routines, divorce, custody issues, your husband's depression and/or possible threats to his life should you leave which will all add more stress to another relationship.

Go to counseling on your own. It will help you sort through what you are feeling, hopefully give you coping techniques to deal with your husband and give you direction.

Reading material:

I Don't Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, by Terrence Real

The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch

When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself, Laura Epstein Rosen

What to Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed, Mitch Golant, Susan K. Golant


Carrie