Confused, Scared and Guilty (very long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Confused, Scared and Guilty (very long)
1
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:09pm
Ok, so I didn't know where to start in these many threads but I figure this might be the right place to start.

I have been in a relationship that many g/f's would call 'The One'. Mind you, there is something every woman knows and that there IS NO PERFECT RELATIONSHIP, mine being of no exception.

He loves me and my kid (single parent) unconditionally and is fiecely independant and financially secure. We've been together for 4 years and we've been living together for just the same amount of time....We are also a May/December relationship too. He's 5 years younger then me, and never been an issue at all. We are definately bestfriends through and through.

So where's the problem? Here's the rest of the story....

I run a successful website and my webmaster is someone who lives about 5000 miles away in another country. We've been online colleague and friends for as long as I've known my b/f. Webmaster knows me very well and vise versa, we've shared so many stories, problems and history b/c neither one of us ever thought we would ever meet in real life. Problem is, we did actually met in real life recently.

This has lead me to share my problem here....

As it so happens, webmaster and I met with a group of people who participate on my website. Funny, it was something of a surprise because he was the only one who didn't know I was there. He almost fell over when I greeted him! I found out later he was going to forge the second part of his trip and fly back home.

For the next couple of days, we hung out b/c a lot of the group were older and into things that we couldn't possibly participate in discussions with. Although we make a great bunch, the webmaster and I ended up (by default) hanging together quite a lot. Right at the last night of the group get together, we ended up sharing a kiss and then some more. Neither one of us knows who was the first to make the move, but it did happen. It lead to a heartbreaking good-bye at the end and my mind was made up, "This is never going to happen again."

I was wrong and stupid to allow this guy to 'romance' me. I know that it was the fact that no one else, including my b/f, was around. We ended up depending on each other for company this was BOUND to have happened.

My heart just broke when he began to discuss his feelings towards me via email. I too recipocated the responses as well b/c when I left, my heart was truly broken too.

After that, I ended up being happier as the days went by, just emailing and chatting away with my webmaster b/c we now were 'closer'in friendship, and now in love.

My b/f noticed a change as well in my demenour and a cheeriness that hasn't been seen in me for the past year we've been together. All-in-all, most of my unhappiness with my b/f came from the common mistakes women have: for family expectations and crowd pleasing.

I put myself second to my b/f because I thought it was the right thing to do. I allowed him to pursue his education and his career and then allowing his career to come before me. My family loves me more b/c they no longer see an irresponsible pregnant teenage daughter but a woman who is building security by marrying into success. In my families' eyes, without a man to take care of me I am hopeless in this world. It's a cultural thing for women to marry for financial security, love is not a nessesary thing to worry about. Now with that mentality, imagine what it was like to get pregnant at 18. I was garbage, but the grandchild was most welcoming and loved. Now I'm with a very very successful man and I have my parents respect now.

They believe, he makes me who I am today. I can't lie, my b/f is great that way by encouraging me and believing in me to do better for myself...but the idea that my parents think that it's all his doing...that pisses me right off.

I accepted fate and continued to tell myself little truths that I now understand to be self-distructive lies, like, "I'm doing this for my kid's future", "You can't live only on love and fresh air", and "Our relationship is a successful partnership"...*partnership?!?*

Might as well be a business I'm running then a relationship. And my kid? Surprising enough, all the kid wants is me to be is happy and that our talks about dating and break-ups: "boys and girls do it all the time. You get over it." and "Mom, breaking up is okay right even if it hurts?" Ah wisdom from a child....how I forget how resilent they truly are.

Anyway, there was a second meeting happening out of country that I had to attend.

My b/f was happy to hear about me fly out again and meeting more people. I felt a world of guilt b/c he even told me to, 'Be a good girl out there'.

Again, me and the webmaster met up and this time, in a foreign city. This romance shouldn't have blossomed, selfishly I wanted it too. The Webmaster and I did agree that we must find closure when we first knew about the new travelling plans. I'm such a weakling, I just ran with it without thinking of the repercussions there after. We fell deeply and crazy for each other. Every day with him, it was special. I was alive again....BUT as all good things go, this came to another departure gate. I came back to my city, all angry and confused.

My b/f and I are in the mists of roller-coaster arguments now. He's buying things for me, not harrasing me for sex (which i HATE), and being calm about me moving out (we just moved out a couple of months ago). My b/f believes that this is just a phase and this who defining myself by myself is just a crock. B/f believe that no one can truly define themselves entirely and that I'm going to hurt myself if I try it the way I want to, by moving out. He fears I will be alone and poor without him. My b/f truly loves me that he's willing for me to move, but he's making it sound like it's a step back and not forward. He is difficult and he's already said some nasty things out of me hurting him, but strangely enough, there's this calm that has taken over my usually 'yell and cry' session when we fight.

I talked to my bestfriend throughout this ordeal, this being the greatest bestfriend on the face of the planet b/c my bestfriend doesn't pass judgements on me and loves me no matter what. We worked together to figure out the screwed up things inside my head...

the answers?

I must break it off with one or both of these men and move out and get my own place, AND DON'T tell the b/f about what happend, he doesn't need to feel like a chump. Be my own woman, and damn everyone who says I can't be more independant. Fact is, I never depended on myself for the longest time. No one ever knows who they really are, but how many people actually take the risk in finding out?!? In fact, I pay my own rent, own my own stuff, have *saved* money and investments AND I'm fully employeed.

My bestfriend has observed that I'm slowly becoming one of those unhappy stone-faced women who's husband provides the credit cards, filling her life with material goods and spends money all day long just to fill that void b/c she sold out for 'security'.

Just recently the b/f gave me one of his credit cards. I've already cut it up b/c I think credit cards are devil's work anyway.

My bestfriend drilled it to me that falling for someone else, (regardless of where he's from) was the first sign of me realizing that my current relationship was either in trouble or it's over. Bestfriend fears that I will only marry out of convienience and for everyone else, everyone will become miserable b/c I'm miserable, and end-up cheating all throughout my relationship.

My b/f doesn't desearve this at all and I should be woman enough to end it and allow him a better chance with an honest person. If I love him enough, I should let him go and let another woman have a chance for happiness with him.

It horrifies me *that* my bestfriend is able to say these things in my face...and i'm not willing to debate these points...deep down, I know it's the truth. BUT as harsh as that is, my bestfriend said that I don't have to break-up immediately with my b/f, just move out, continue seeing him but the distance should be the best way of knowing where we both stand. I have to be firm and stand my ground no matter what happens.

If that is to happen, I will have to break-off my communications with the Webmaster.

Although I am very deeply in love with the webmaster and he is willing to move to my country to be with me, I fear this is just love-sickness and that will soon discover that this isn't what he wanted. The webmaster is certain and committed to move here and create a life for us. He makes me honestly happy and I don't care if we had a house of nothing...as long as we are together making an effort to make a life for us. This is still talk and no walk, well yet. I do want him to prove to me that he can create an honest life by himself and maybe discover other women, but seems that his culture, there are really no other women, just the one. Another thing, he is fully aware of my position with my b/f and the possible engagement in 2005 (I've already called the engagement date off)

Our communication, via phone, internet, snailmail, and chat are over and beyond amazing.

We do feel a part of each others live and the distance has been bearable so far.

The webmaster has offered to give me as much space and time as needed b/c he too has to work on planning first to visit my country first, figure out how to get employeed here (no problems there), immigration procedures, finding a place for both of us.




In the webmasters words when I tried to break it off the first time:

"choice over personal security or personal happiness"

All so confusing....worst off, I'm trying to figure out when I started to honestly stray from my present relationship or when I first became unhappy...this is so hard.

I fight myself internally everyday over this and soon enough, I'm going to have to make a choice.

My views are definatly distorted and I need a shoot of honesty. Any takers?


Edited 10/27/2004 2:13 pm ET ET by mindfrolic

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 6:27pm
Heck I'll give it a go. : )

What you need to figure out (in my humble opinion) is if this relationship with the webmaster is a relationship of newness and filling a "gap" that you currently feel in your life. It sounds like you were growing bored of your current relationship. I can also see the constriction with being a "kept" woman, taken care of by your b/f. A lot of women wouldn't mind it and others, like myself would not be able to stand it.

This is all going to take some serious thought and what I suggest is breaking it off with both of them, give yourself some time just being you, depending on you and living by yourself. During this time, ask yourself what is it that you want from life? If this is going to be too financially straining, can you stay with friends or family for a while? The introduction of webmaster to the whole situation has confused things immensely and really just sounds like a fling more than anything else. Great he would move to be with you, but what if you decide it wasn't right? Where does that leave you both? Both of you are going to be devastated.

Now I know there is the point that if you don't decide to pursue webmaster you may "never have another chance." I disagree with this. You need time to figure out what you want from life first, then if one or both are there after your decision great, you can have the luxury of choosing one over the other or even neither. There are other men out there and if neither one is waiting, it's not a huge loss either. In the end you've made a decision where you want your life to go and don't base that decision on one or other of the men. Plan your life how you want it to be as if you are alone. Build a world around yours and not live in someone else's, it's a recipe for misery.

Also did you stick with your b/f because other people wanted you to? It almost sounds that way. Now is the time to decide for yourself what you want. I know it's terribly confusing, but time will help you figure things out. Before jumping off the diving board and into your webmasters arms. Again, I'de split with both for a time, intiate alone time and don't chat with your webmaster for a time. Just even a week. If you do, it won't help you choose a path. You'll have to practice some self-constraint and strict rules as far as contact goes. It would be very easy for you just to throw caution to the wind and dive off that board. I'm saying don't. Take time and make this life for you. Of course as with anything, this choice is yours. You only get one life, so make it a good one.




Edited 10/27/2004 9:39 pm ET ET by garlandfairy