confused/sad/frustraited
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| Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:52am |
ok, so i don't talk to him for a few weeks, because what he said to me REALLY hurt. i also had moved seats in all my classes to avoid contact with him at school. well, one day at school, lab got cancelled and he comes up to where im sitting, and we talk. we talk for 2 hours actually, about EVERYTHING. life/school/family.. everything...including the "new girl". i made fun of her a lot (what can i say.. thats just the way i am! when im uncomfortable/angry/sad.. i make jokes) it didn't seem to bother him, and he even got in on the action. this is something that confuses me!!!!! he used to always tell me how annoying/ugly/fat this girl was while we were dating.. even after we broke up (she is good friends with his best friend) and now he is making fun of her WHILE he is seeing her.. it just didn't make sense to me! it made me feel better though... but he did say he had been driving to see her each weekend (she lives an hour away) and that HURT. i don't know why, but it did. so after this day, i tell him i dont' think we should talk, that it just hurts me too much to hear about other girl/ fun he is having... he says that it is too bad, but he understands.
well, i make it 3 days without contact, but when i get to school on friday, he comes up to me to tell me about something new he learned at the skatepark (i guess he is a skater now? haha) anyway... it just makes me so mad that i am trying so hard to make this easiser for us and he does this!
alright, so here is another thing that i don't really understand and feel like i am reading too much into..... tell me what you think.
i always have song lyrics in my away messages/profile of AIM. well, they are usually dashboard confessional songs (and if you know dashboard, you know most of their songs are about heartache/etc.) well, about a week ago i had lyrics from a song called "hands down" which talks about a special night two people share and how the kiss means something to the other person...(haha, cheesy i know.. i can't help it) and i felt like that song was like that last weekend we shared together... well... i have since taken that out of my profile but on monday, when the ex comes online i go to check out his profilie and it says "DC-"hands down"" i don't know if he is trying to make a point/tell me something.... or if he just likes the song... ahhhhhhhh i think i am reading TOO much into it, but i like to think im not! i totally feel like we are meant to be together, and that in time, we will get back together...
i hope im not just setting myself up for disaster though.. what do you think? do you think there is a chance with us???? i know i can't "make him like me" or change his mind, so i guess all i can do is go on with life, but still hold hope of him coming back.. i know he just wants to see what is out there.. and he will, and he will realize what a good thing he had!!=) well, i can hope.. can't i?
do you think that it could ever work, after someone leaves someone, but then they come back.... be honest!

"Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.
*****My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.***** <-----******(this is the part i had in my profile!!!!)******
The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it."
so i technically have not had contact with him since last friday.. but yesterday i gave him something.. i told him last monday i would give him this dvd i had (i bought it when we were together but i absolutly HATE the movie.. but he likes it.. so i thought he should have it) i put a note on the inside that said "his name, Enjoy! nickname he had for me.. then at the bottom i put "good luck on your calc test!) because he has a calc test today and was stressing big time about it... when i gave him the movie, i didn't even look at him, i just slid it across the desk to him, and when he said "thanks" i didn't even look or say "your welcome".... i feel bad now.. it felt right at the time.. but now i feel awful. i saw him after class, and i smiled (we usually smile/wave) and he usually smiles back.. but this time he just looked away. it made me so sad! did i mess up big time?????
then, i also forgot to mention.... i don't want to force him to feel like he needs to be with me again.. it would suck to be with someone and not feel like they want to be with you! i am trying to tell myself that EVERY day.. that i need to just let him come to me.. and if he doesn't, it is better that way (better than me going to him, and him not really wanting to be with me).... i can't force him to like me. if he wants to be with me, he will come to me. (although i am starting to doubt that... he is not one to go back on what he says.... he also has a lot of pride, and i think he might not come back just for that reason alone...) i just can't! this is all just so hard! i am so lost. i feel out of control!=(