Confused.....should we be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Confused.....should we be friends?
8
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:28pm
I was seeing my ex since about January. We didnt become serious until 3 months ago when he asked me to be exclusive. He told me at this point in the relationship that he was falling for me. I was so happy. Everything was going well. We were seeing each other 4-5 times a week, I was happy, he seemed happy, and then about 3 weeks ago he told me he loved me. I was shocked, but very happy!! Well....after he said that, the relationship seemed to fall apart. He began avoiding me at times, going out with his friends a lot more, etc. I was getting angry with him a lot because I was confused and hurt. We started fighting almost every time we saw each other. It wasnt healthy. So....he said he wanted to take a break. I was hurt at first, then decided it might be a good idea. He said he wanted a week apart, no seeing each other or even talking on the phone. I did this, called him a week later, and everything seemed to be fine. We hung out a few times then it just went back to the way it was (he started acting like he wasnt interested anymore). Then he calls me and tells me he doesnt want a serious relationship and that he can only commit to seeing me maybe once or twice a week...nothing too serious. Once again, I said "ok" and did things his way. We saw each other 3 times, we didnt fight, it seemed like everything was alright.....until last night. He invited me to his house to watch a movie. So I drove over there, let myself in (he told me to do this), and waited in his room until he got out of the shower. I overheard him in his washroom talking on the phone to someone. I eavesdropped because the convo sounded very flirty. He was telling this person he was naked....sorry he hadnt called in a while...etc. When he came into the room I asked him who he was talking to and he said his ex. I didnt get angry, didnt raise my voice, but simply asked him if he was still interested in her or if they were still seeing each other, he said no. I said "ok, I believe you, thats fine then". 30 seconds later he tells me he is breaking up with me, that he cant be with someone who doesnt trust him and he doesnt want to be in this relationship anymore. Isnt that a bit ridiculous? What do you think has happened between now and him telling me 3 weeks ago that he loves me? Also....what is your take on this situation?? Lastly, he told me he still wants to be friends. And he was serious. He said he will call me on Tuesday (tomorrow) and we can get together for a little bit on Wednesday if I want to. Then sometime next week he wants to take me out for dinner! what is going on with him? and do you think I should be his friend?? sorry this was so long....any advice would be great
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 2:06pm

"Then he calls me and tells me he doesnt want a serious relationship and that he can only commit to seeing me maybe once or twice a week...nothing too serious. Once again, I said "ok" and did things his way."

First mistake! you agreed to something you didn't want, you "settled" for what you could get. Don't take his scraps. You deserve much more than that. Run, don't walk, from this guy. He sounds very deceitful and cavalier with your heart. And why would you want to try being friends with someone like that??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 2:21pm
I have been settling, big time. I like this guy, a lot. I thought maybe he got scared and just wanted to take things slow. So I said ok. I dont want to rush anyone, ya know? But then he just breaks up with me. It hurt. The thing is....at the beginning it was great. He is a nice guy, maybe just not ready for a relationship I dont know. I want to be his friend cause I like spending time with him, but then again that might not be such a good idea. Why do you think he wants to be my friend but not my boyfriend anymore? Its not like we were good friends before our relationship or anything.....I dont know what to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 3:24pm

Yeah, it does hurt. (I have been there, and recently too) And who knows why he wants to try being friends instead of having a relationship. Don't try to analyze why he's acting this way. He's already wasted enough of your precious time.

I just finished reading: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy by Greg Behrendt, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, and it was excellent. Read it asap!

Copied and pasted from the www.bn.com website:
There's no doubt about it--breakups suck. But in the first few hours or days or weeks that follow, there's one important truth you need to recognize: Some things can't and shouldn't be fixed, especially that loser who dumped you or forced you to dump him. It's over for a reason, and deep down inside you probably know what that reason is. It's called a breakup because it's broken, and starting today, you're not the kind of woman who settles for broken, or hangs on to damaged goods, be it a radio, a pair of shoes, or a relationship. It's time to get rid of all the broken stuff you've been lugging around for days, months, and maybe even years, and make the bold decision to start looking for stuff that works! Because the longer you stay stuck in a dead-end relationship, the less time you get on this planet to experience a great one. So open up this book, and let's dive in--our goal is to help you turn your breakup into the event that changes your life for the better in ways you never dreamed possible. It's not an end, it's a beginning!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 1:42pm

....."Then he calls me and tells me he doesnt want a serious relationship and that he can only commit to seeing me maybe once or twice a week...nothing too serious. Once again, I said "ok" and did things his way.".....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 1:58pm

Hi Sandra

Thanx for your advice. So you think I shouldnt go out with him on Wednesday? This is the story behind it. When we were together I booked him a hair appointment at my salon for this upcoming wednesday. Now that we are not together, he still wants me to go with him. Then he also added that sometime in the next couple weeks he wants to take me out for dinner, not sure why, but thats what he said. Im worried he is just using me for this wednesday because he doesnt want to go to my salon alone. He is weird like that sometimes. Should I say no, Im not going with you when he calls me tonight? And what should I do about the WHOLE friendship thing?? say yes...say no....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 2:09pm

To me, just the fact that he said, "We can get to gether for a little bit on Wednesday if you want to,"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:23pm
maybe I should clear things up. Im not making excuses for this guy at all....but I was wrong when I wrote "maybe we can get together and hang out for a bit"---or something like that. He said "im calling you tuesday and we can go to my hair appointment together. Then if you will let me I want to take you out for dinner in a couple/few weeks". He did seem enthusiastic about it. He really wants to be my friend, that was clear from our conversation. So...I dont know. Im afraid to be his friend though. I think I just want to be his friend cause I still have feelings for him and hope maybe we will get back together. I dont think he is thinking the same way. He said he wants to be my friend cause he likes spending time with me....but he doesnt want a relationship with me. Arg....guys are so weird. That makes no sense to me, but oh well. I think I will take your advice though and take some time away. Maybe tell him that I need a couple weeks then he can call me and we will see....does that sound good? What would you do in this situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:46pm

....."Im afraid to be his friend though. I think I just want to be his friend cause I still have feelings for him and hope maybe we will get back together. I dont think he is thinking the same way. He said he wants to be my friend cause he likes spending time with me....but he doesnt want a relationship with me.".....

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