Confusing behaviour.
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| Fri, 01-25-2008 - 3:19pm |
I'd been with my boyfriend for 10 months when he broke up with me yesterday. We'd never argued but had been having a hard time of it for the past 2/3 weeks and he'd been avoiding me. He called me up last week, stating he'd realised how much he loved me and that he didn't want to split up but we needed to have a talk. Said talk was had, he told me he hadn't been feeling as attracted and in-love with me lately, listed the reason's why and we both said we'd work on putting more effort into it. The chat never went particularly well to be honest but afterwards we had a good evening together, he repeatedly told me he loved me and that he'd missed hanging out with me and kept on making statements refering to our future, 'I can't wait until My Bloody Valentine with you in the Summer,' and 'I can't wait until you see me drum,' almost as thought he was positive we'd be together for a while yet.
I returned home on the Monday because we both had work to do, we parted amicably, he told me he loved me once more and everything seemed fine. I obviously knew that there was still work to be done but figured now his issues had been aired we could put effort into getting back on track, especially given his positive behaviour the night before. However last night when I called and told him I missed him, it was followed up by dead silence, he asked if we could meet on Sunday and knowing in my heart why he wanted to meet, I (maybe stupidly) all but forced him to dump me over the phone. I asked why he wanted to split up now after saying we could work on it and he said he just felt he'd 'passed a point'. It was again amicable, I remained calm, we talked through what to do with each others belongings very systematically and he asked would I still meet him on Sunday because he still wanted to talk. I said no, told him to take care and that no doubt our paths would cross again, he sounded sad and just asked me to please consider meeting him.
I'm just confused as to how his feelings can have changed so much between Monday and Thursday.. or perhaps he was purely plying me with false hope to make himself feel better. Any thoughts?
I'm not sure he really understands what he's done himself to be fair, with both his previous exes they hung around attempting to be friends and had casual sex with him, I don't plan to do that. Though I won't deny part of me is hoping he realises he's making a mistake and asks me back, however I'm far too logical to let myself believe that is going to happen and probably far too proud to let it happen.
Should I meet him? I'm reluctant because I'm the one whose still in love with him so any conversation we have, he'll have the upperhand. And plus what would he say, just repeat what he said on the phone most likely. I think he wants closure and a way to make himself feel better about his actions but I hearing him tell me he wasn't as in love with me was enough closure for me.
Thankyou for reading.

if you are okay not seeing him then don't go b/c he asked you to.
After much though I've decided that I do need to talk to him because I've a fair bit to say regarding the way he ended our relationship and the way I may have come across these past few weeks (I've been going through a lot at home, which I never told him about).
However I have put it off until next week as I need time to centre myself and prepare.
Welcome to the board looksyellowtastesred,
It's good to get centered and prepared.
First of all, thankyou for taking the time to reply.
When I said I didn't think he's understood what he'd done, I meant that I think part of him expects me to still be there; pretending to be his friend when I want more, offering casual sex, as his past two exes have. I don't plan to tell him this, it's just a theory, I am going to subtly make it known however that I won't do that, I'm too proud to hang round begging scraps of time/sex off anyone no matter how much I miss him at the moment.
It's true as you said feelings are constantly changing, however I find it hard to believe they can change that fast, in the space of 3/4 days he went from 'loving me and missing me' having positive views on our future, to not wanting a future for us and no longer loving me. So perhaps either he lied then or he's lieing now. I don't know, I've never been through a break-up before just trying to analyse things in my head as best I can.
I want to meet because I've just realised there are a few things I should have said toward the end of our relationship that I didn't and I'd rather not spend weeks regretting never having said them atall. Don't worry, I don't plan to criticise him in anyway for dumping me over the phone, admittedly that was my fault, I don't plan on criticising him atall.
I want to tell him how things have been at home because it affected my behaviour over the past few months (I became less social, my self esteem was shot, depression). I'm concerned he may have thought I was centering my life around him when I wasn't. If that makes sense, I don't want him leaving the relationship with such a wrong perception of me, maybe that's selfish but it's soemthing I need to do. I'm not however telling him in hope that he'll get back with me, I know he won't, I know it's over.
I probably make no sense. My head's everywhere right now.
Thankyou.
Things have taken a turn for the worse.. or better depending on how you look at it.
A mutual friend of ours forwarded me a message that he had sent her (I haven't seen a screen shot but I don't doubt it's real, it was full fo his slang and she has nothing to benefit from misleading me). Basically this message said that he'd broken up with me because my weight was unattractive (I'm a size 12 and if anything I've LOST weight since I met him), I looked too young and that I'd gotten clingy (I'd only become clingy recently because he withdrew). Along with a passage on how he'd not technically cheated on me but he had been spending time with this girl and they'd been intimate (spooned, cuddled to sleep) which I personally regard as cheating and went on to say that he always chose larger women and he was thinking it'd be good to have sex with a thin girl and that everyone was always telling him he could get better looking women so he was just going to wait for soemone stunning.
It's all a bit hard to take, the personal insults especially, it makes me cringe to think of all the tiems I've been naked around him whilst he's felt like that. And the fact that he's gotten so intimate with another girl (who herself has a boyfriend). It hurts a lot.
However, on the plus side I just feel disgusted by him now and how arrogant and cold he is and I know I could never get back with someone like that.. so it may make him easier to get over.
Not sure what to do about the meeting, the thought fo seeing him amkes my skin crawl.
Wow, I'm sorry you read the horrible things he had to say, but it's probably best that you did.
I don't know if this will fall on deaf ears, I hope it does not:
I've been leading this board for going on two years. That's a lot of broken hearts I've seen in that time. Someone always wants to explain things or give her ex a piece of her mind, thinking it will somehow make her feel better or him worse. It does neither.
I can tell you especially seeing as how he's acted recently and his real reasons for breaking up, what you have to say will not have the effect you want. It's harsh, but I think in your case it would be true. Can a person's feelings change in a matter of days? Absolutely. But based on what he said, I'm pretty certain his feelings changed well before he ever let you in on it, so I'm of the mind that your ex wasn't necessarily telling you the truth before about how he felt towards the end, he was just having a hard time saying what was really on his mind.
I would most strongly urge you to NOT meet him, he deserves none of your airspace. Either to set some things straight about your behavior towards the end or make sure he doesn't think badly upon the relationship or to air your grievances, none of it. Honestly, right after a breakup it all sounds like convincing, like negotiating. There's actually a name for it: 'Bargaining' and it's pretty common in grieving and recovery. The motives don't matter, the behavior does because all he'll get is how he interprets it, not how you actually mean it, see?
You would gain and keep the upper hand not to mention your dignity by NOT talking to him, NOT accepting a phone call, text or email, NOT acknowledging him. The best way to show someone you're different is to BE DIFFERENT. In short, your silence (the colder the better) would say how unimportant to your life he is, and your distance will say quite loudy that you are not like the others he's been with. Just saying the words really has no impact at all. You can grieve completely without him ever having to know how deep it hurt.
It's pretty powerful stuff, this idea of not letting them see you sweat.