Confusing Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Confusing Breakup
5
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 4:47am
Me and my bf of 1 & 1/2 years broke up the day after valentine's day, He ruined it for me.. didn't get me anything and also didnt even say thank you after I gave him a gift that took a long time to find. And to top it all off, after having sex he says..that we're wrong for eachother, out of nowhere! I tried to leave that night but he wouldn't let me so I ended up falling asleep, waking up to him acting like nothing even happened, I went home and we were getting along okay but I was still mad, I told him that we needed to talk and that I would come over the next day to talk, so we we're playing a game on the computer and talking on the microphone all of a sudden he decided to leave for a few mins and said that he would be right back, I waited about 2 hours and turned the microphone off, waited another 30 minutes and left him a message telling him that I was coming over to have the talk tonight instead of tomorrow, I got there and I just laid it all on the table, that I was sick of the way he treated me, you name it and that I did not want to be with him anymore if that was the way it was going to continue.. and he said that he felt the same way that the reason he never broke up with me is because he was afraid of losing me as a friend, that he always wanted me in his life, we decided to be friends but it is sooo hard for me to see him without just wanting to be with him.. and nothing has changed, he still holds my hand at the grocery store and he still kisses me, and sometimes even expects to have sex with me, it is really confusing when we're supposed to be broken up. It's as if he wants all the perks with being in a relationship but he just doesnt want the commitment, =( I'm so confused as to how to get over him and still be his friend at the same time! He tells me that I just need to get over him already as if it's easy.. IF it was I think I would have already! Men are sooo frustrating!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
In reply to: xayshax
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 6:47am
You know what they say about 'no contact'. You're not ready to be his friend, especially on his terms. He is just getting all his needs met right now, while you are hurt and confused. My advice is to stay away from him....no contact at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: xayshax
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:11am

OMG. Are you just going to let him insult you like that? You actually want to be friends with him after this!? With someone who is selfish and disrespectful towards you, that's qualities you look for in a friend? Seriously, if a female friend of yours was acting this way, would you still be her friend? Would you still be her doormat, there when she needs you or wants something from you, but gone when it's time to return the favor? With friends like that who needs enemys?

Back to the insulting part. He dumps you AFTER sex (after he's gotten what he wanted from you) and "sometimes even expects to have sex with me" even now after he's told you he just wants to be friends. Does he really think you're that low in self esteem, and that he's all that, that you'd still have sex with him? What arrogance! How dare he think that you're that cheap and slutty to expect you to have sex with him after the way he treats you!

The only thing confusing here about your break up is that you are betraying yourself. You are giving to him but he's not giving anything back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
In reply to: xayshax
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 12:39pm

Hey xayshax- Please, please, please run far from this man. Speaking from experience, if he says he doesn't want to be with you, he won't. I was with my ex for almost 3 1/2 years AFTER he told me that, all the while thinking things like, he'll come around, he really does want to be with us (we have a child together) and even he must not really know what he wants, so I'll love enough for both of us. In my case, those 3 1/2 years were for my ex to get himself ready to be with someone for good. And he is. Two days after the last time we were "together" where he spent the weekend at my house, without our daughter there, he told me he was talking to someone else. Almost four months later they are still together and are about to move in with each other. Actually, she has lived with him since about a month into it, but now they are getting their own apartment. I was devastated. Even though he told me throughout that he was looking for something else, I guess I convinced myself that didn't necessarily mean someone else. Well it did, and it usually does. All the clues were there, but in hindsight, I didn't really see that he was truly looking for a mate. Most of the time, there wasn't even a hint of another woman, so again, I thought he is just sowing the last of his "single oats" before he truly commits and settles down to be a real family with us. He did date some girls, and I handled it well, thinking he had to see what was out there before he could decide, right? WRONG. After the two girls he initially dated, and didn't work out, we were together better than ever. This time around I didn't pressure him with the "where's this going" or "is this it?" stuff, I just figured I'd let his actions speak louder than words for once. This is the part that I can't forgive him for. He knew my feelings, I was always very clear on what I felt for him, and after I had initially "gotten over" him, he came back and turned it up a notch. Unbeknownst to me, all the while telling anyone who would listen that him and I would never be together. But to me, we were. And, he never, ever, told me that.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is do what's best for you. I didn't and I am still dealing with the fall out. I can't even say for sure if I loved him anymore, but I am so hurt that he didn't choose me. People have told me that I should have known, he was not really ever "there", but still, to me, I thought he was. If I had been more proactive and protected myself, I don't think this would have carried on nearly as far as it did. Men are different than us. They will hedge their bets and try and keep us on the back burner, just in case. I wanted this to be so badly, mostly for our daughter's sake, I was blind to the facts right in front of my face. Please, take my situation as an example and please don't ever let yourself be anyone's option (to quote a sage piece of advice I've read on this board:) Take care, and good luck. Believe me, I know better than anyone, this is easier said than done. I am still trying to convince myself everyday! Stay Strong!!! - Cait

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
In reply to: xayshax
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 3:14pm
Thank you for the advice! It's not going to be easy because after all he is my best friend, he's the only person I can trust, but you're right I do have to think about myself for once. I did see him last night we watched a movie, I know I shouldn't have, that was before I posted and we of course got into a fight and I woke up this morning with roses and a present in my car. What is this supposed to mean? it's like hes trying to be sweet now after he's been a jerk, but yet he still doesn't want to be with me. I do want him in my life as well but it breaks my heart everytime I see him, I know that I do need a break from him, no contact at all but for how long? I dont know if I will ever be able to see him date another girl, just thinking about it makes me want to cry! He said to me today that I need to start going out on dates, he thinks that a rebound would make me happy, when that's the last thing I want! I couldnt even kiss another guy right now, it would just feel wrong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: xayshax
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 3:39pm

Everything you're saying SCREAMS that you must completely extricate this guy from your life. There are quite a few of us going through the exact same thing as you, from their ex's saying that they want us in their lives and that we're they're best friends, to us freaking out about really and truly cutting them off and establishing no contact.

I'm halfway through week 4 of my break up (just do a search for me, I've posted a jillion times) and I NEVER thought I would get to this point. But now that I'm here, the future doesn't look nearly as impossible as it did in the beginning. Yeah, it still sucks and hurts like a b*tch and I struggle with myself every single day. But every day that I don't talk to him wins me a piece of myself back. Now, instead of thinking that I won't survive, I think that I can actually make it many more weeks, months even, without him.

By and large, these men who are now our exes have no real clue what they want, but wouldn't mind keeping us around "just in case" or because they wouldn't mind some non-commital sex and companionship while they're out looking for "the one," or both. They may have redeeming qualities, they may be nice guys--there was a reason why we all dated these men in the first place, after all--but there comes a point where you need to take stock of your situation and realize that if it truly was right, it would've worked out. There is no point obsessing about the "whys," because honestly when it comes to emotions, most times there really are no answers to those questions. It just is what it is.

As I tell myself all the time, you are worth more than what this guy is offering you. You know what you want, and he cannot give it to you. The end. You can't be his friend right now, b/c that will hurt SOOOOOO much more than just letting it all go--as you are starting to learn. You must cut him out of your life. Find yourself again. We're here to help.