Confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Confusion
9
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 9:31pm
My breakup occured 3 weeks ago. My ex boyfriend and I were together for about a year and 8 months. When we were together I was somewhat cautious about the future but I did love him and he was always saying he loved me and wanted to marry me someday. Less than a week before he broke up with me he started acting a little strange, at first being very nice and then being rather irritable. He went to visit his parents for a weekend and barely called me or answered my calls. I argued with him about it when he got back since it was very unusual behavior. Usually when we were seperated he called me often and said he missed me. During our argument he left my apartment and when I called him and asked him to come back he said that he "didn't want a girlfriend right now." I went to see him trying to reconcile but he just wanted to go to sleep. The next afternoon (I had school and he worked during the day) I talked to him and he explained more that he didn't want to have a girlfriend because he needed to be sure he was okay alone before committing to someone else. Oddly, this was something I had said to him in the past, though we never broke up before. Because I had had these feelings before, I felt somewhat like I understood. My ex explained that he still wanted to be friends with me. We talked on the phone for a few days after that and I tried to be cheerful and not talk about "us," but I couldn't always keep my distress in check. Since I planned to visit my parents the weekend after my Monday breakup I told my ex that I was going to try not talking to him for a few days to give him his space and think about what I wanted to do. I called him when I returned and told him that I still wanted to give him space and wasn't going to call for a few weeks. It was hard, but I was managing no contact for 4 or 5 days when I saw him at a concert. We just exchanged hellos and went our separate ways. I got pulled onstage at one point for a comedy bit and after that I saw on my phone that my ex had called 3 times and sent me a text message that said "I liked the show. I love you." I called him back and he proceeded to tell me he loved me and missed me. I talked to him twice more through the day on the phone and all these times he told me he loved and missed me (sentiments which I returned). It wasn't until later though that I realized that he had been drinking. So the next day I called him and asked him why he was saying those things and what he wanted from me. He just kept saying "I don't know" but when I asked him if he wanted me to date other guys he said "Why? Have you been thinking about that?" He seemed a bit irritated by my questions and I asked him if he wanted me to continue not calling him and he asked me to call him the next day. So the next day I did call him a few times and left him a message and a text. He never answered or responded so I said i'd send him a note or call him on his birthday. After a few days I decided he must not want to talk to me since he didn't acknowledge my calls and I did not call him on his birthday (or at all since then). I felt okay for a few days, but now i'm just as confused, it seems, as day one. What's going on with him? I don't plan to call him for at least a month (it's been a week of no contact already) and I do want to have a friendship with him when we're both ready, but i'm already worrying about whether he will even want that. Or if he'll even speak to me again. He was always a very loving and kind peson when we were together so i'm just really confused by his behavior and how I should interpret it. Should I hold out any hope for a future romatic relationship or just friendship? In the meantime, how can I get over him when I still feel like i'm on an emotional rollercoaster?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: jujubeenie
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 5:25am

Hi there.

I'd like to suggest you read Steven Carter's "He's Scared She's Scared". It deals with you situation in greater detail and gives excellent advice on how to recover from a relationship with someone who's conflicted.

Friendship is a bad idea right now. It will only keep you stuck. The problem with loving conflicted people is that they really don't know what they're feeling one minute to the next. From the sounds of it, this "I love you but I can't decide what I want to do" is driving you crazy. Disconnecting from this maddening situaton is the only way to truly start healing.

Also, why would you want to be friends with someone who hurt you? Is it because you really think he would be a good supporting and loving "friend"? Or do you have another motive of trying to strategize a reunion? Be honest with yourself. You've been hurt, time to be self-protective and stop worrying about him.

Also, it's important to realize that conflicted people don't want you to disconnect. He'll continue to call, text, email....because he can't commit to you but he also can't commit to "goodbye". The only time they leave is when they have someone else lined up and by then, the ending is brutal---as in my case.

We kind of didn't break up, we stopped seeing each other romantically...kind of....because we were kind of sort of exhausted by the drama---at least I was. Then we continued to see each other---coffees, emails, texts, dancing...until one day a month ago she told me....at the gym....she was 'seriously dating' someone. Nice. Classy. Tell me when I"m on the recumbent bike. She's moved on...I hadn't...I was still in love with her and was stuck. Now with no contact I'm moving on. I avoid her. I don't reply to her email. I don't call. I've deleted her number from my phone so I won't be tempted and I tell people who know us that it's over and the reason I leave our social club is because that club was a big part of our lives and it's hard for me to be there and see her.

So be honest with yourself first and foremost. Then commit to NO CONTACT because it's the only way to begin the healing from this man.

Stay strong and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: jujubeenie
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 12:03pm

Welcome to the board jujubeenie -


walawala gave you some good advice, I hope you take it.


::Should I hold out any hope for a future romatic relationship or just friendship?


I'm kind of confused. He said he 'doesn't want a girlfriend right now' but you don't believe him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
In reply to: jujubeenie
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:29pm

Hi Juju, your situation can be confusing sometimes. You don't know if you're in or out of the relationship. I find it cruel and selfish when people do this to their partner. Either let them go so they can start seeing people or try to work the issues in the relationship out. I don't think it's fair to keep you hanging around so he can figure out what he wants to do. If you're not his girlfriend, then you guys are NOT together, therefore you guys are free to see other people. You don't want to turn down potentially good "boyfriends" to wait for him just to find out he's already hooked up with someone.

I would personally let him know you understand what he's going through because you felt that way before but he can't keep you waiting because it's cruel and unfair. Part ways with him, wish him the best and request that neither of you make contact in order to move on. Though it's nice to be friends, it's hard and not a very good idea to do this immediately after a breakup. Usually when people say let's stay "friends", they are using this as an excuse to keep contact with you because if in the future they feel lonely, or want to get back with you they have reconcile and pull you back in easily. I won't try be "friends" with him until you both have officially moved on and maybe seeing someone.

If you want to move on, you can't keep in contact with him because it will stir up feelings weather you notice it or not and you'll never be able to let go. Unless you secretly want to get back with him, I suggest you don't make any contact with him. If you truly want to let go, you have to stop all contact with him and request he does the same. If he doesn't respect your decision, remind him only once about why both of you shouldn't contact one another and ignore him if he continues. Don't respond or contact him at all. This includes email, letters, postcards, IM, phone, text message, etc. Nothing. If you bump into him, you can acknowledge you see him with a smile or nod and go about your business, don't try to start a conversation with him. You don't want to give him the wrong idea or false hope.

It's hard to go through a break up. It's ok to grieve or cry over it. I find that it helps to write down my feelings in a journal/diary. Go on with your daily tasks. Do some of the things you enjoy. I like watching t.v. or movies, it takes my mind off things and I just focus on what I'm watching. Whatever puts you at ease or makes you happy, do it, it'll make this whole moving on thing a little easier. You sound like a really sweet person Jujubeenie, you have my best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
In reply to: jujubeenie
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:32pm

Hi Juju, your situation can be confusing sometimes. You don't know if you're in or out of the relationship. I find it cruel and selfish when people do this to their partner. Either let them go so they can start seeing people or try to work the issues in the relationship out. I don't think it's fair to keep you hanging around so he can figure out what he wants to do. If you're not his girlfriend, then you guys are NOT together, therefore you guys are free to see other people. You don't want to turn down potentially good "boyfriends" to wait for him just to find out he's already hooked up with someone.

I would personally let him know you understand what he's going through because you felt that way before but he can't keep you waiting because it's cruel and unfair. Part ways with him, wish him the best and request that neither of you make contact in order to move on. Though it's nice to be friends, it's hard and not a very good idea to do this immediately after a breakup. Usually when people say let's stay "friends", they are using this as an excuse to keep contact with you because if in the future they feel lonely, or want to get back with you they have reconcile and pull you back in easily. I won't try be "friends" with him until you both have officially moved on and maybe seeing someone.

If you want to move on, you can't keep in contact with him because it will stir up feelings weather you notice it or not and you'll never be able to let go. Unless you secretly want to get back with him, I suggest you don't make any contact with him. If you truly want to let go, you have to stop all contact with him and request he does the same. If he doesn't respect your decision, remind him only once about why both of you shouldn't contact one another and ignore him if he continues. Don't respond or contact him at all. This includes email, letters, postcards, IM, phone, text message, etc. Nothing. If you bump into him, you can acknowledge you see him with a smile or nod and go about your business, don't try to start a conversation with him. You don't want to give him the wrong idea or false hope.

It's hard to go through a break up. It's ok to grieve or cry over it. I find that it helps to write down my feelings in a journal/diary. Go on with your daily tasks. Do some of the things you enjoy. I like watching t.v. or movies, it takes my mind off things and I just focus on what I'm watching. Whatever puts you at ease or makes you happy, do it, it'll make this whole moving on thing a little easier. You sound like a really sweet person Jujubeenie, you have my best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
In reply to: jujubeenie
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 11:09pm

Thanks everyone for the advice. I do want to someday be friends with my ex again, but I agree that it should not be until i've let go of any ideas about getting back together. And although it's hard to swallow I can understand that since he is so conflicted, even if I am ready to be "just friends" he may never be sure of what he really wants and I will just have to accept that and move on.

It's incredibly difficult for me to cut someone out of my life completely unless they've greatly wronged me. My ex hurt me, but all my past experiences with him tell me that he is a good person who does not intentionally hurt others. I don't want to move on in my life with anger or resentment towards him in my heart. What i'm having trouble with lately is how to let go of resentment about how things ended and our last contact. I've had situations in my life before where I resented people who hurt me for a long time, and I don't want to do that again, but it's hard to let go when I know I can't talk through my conflict with its source. I want to speak with him in order to "resolve" things once and for all. But I know the risk of just creating or exacerbating more problems is far too great.

Walawala, thank you for sharing your personal story. As much as it hurts to cut someone out of my life who's been such a big part of it, I can see that if they're bringing more pain and confusion then joy, even if they do so unintentionally, it needs to be done. I shouldn't let myself deal with his "call me, but i'm not going to answer you/I love you, but I don't want a girlfriend" behavior. It's especially confusing since prior to the breakup he was always so sure of our relationship. I do wish things had ended more resolutely and nicely, but I suppose that's just the way it is. Hopefully after a good while of no contact I will be able to let everything go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
In reply to: jujubeenie
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 12:36am
Two things that got my through my breakup/space period:
"its called a breakup because its broken"
and John Mayer's CD "continuum"
its rough, but every time I gave in and talked to my ex it just opened up those sores that I worked so hard to heal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
In reply to: jujubeenie
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 2:37pm
You seem to understand your situation and the reason for the no contact after a breakup. You got a good outlook on life and know how to keep your head up. It's very refreshing to know that. As for the bad taste that's left behind due to your last contact with your ex, it happened. I'm afraid if you try to contact him to try to "fix" things it'll make it worst and might undo all the great progess you have made. I know others have suggested this but I'm going to repeat it any way. Try writing a letter to him and letting out all your emotions, then do what you want with it but don't send it. You can also start a journal or diary. I found writing in my diary help relieve alot of resentment, stress and emotions I have that I couldn't let out any other way. I'd curse at the guy who broke my heart to hell and say something like I hope he catches AIDS and die then later say I miss him so much. I miss him holding me. I wish he come over and tell me how he regrets everything that he has done to me. Then beg to have me take him back. It's nice to fantasize this but I know it's best not to be back with someone who you know will hurt you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: jujubeenie
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:16pm

I had to jump in here because i thought your advice was exceptional, but I am on that other side that jujubeenie is in.

I broke it off with my b/f after something he did that devastated me. He wants to get back together and we stayed "friends" for a few months now. He has told me he will give me all the time i need to work thru my pain and loss of trust. I am trying to get past the pain and work this out- my intentions are good, I am not trying to string him along, or be cruel, but I am afriad to just jump back into a romantic relationship becuase I don't want to be hurt again.

Thus we have no choice than to be "friends" and i realize we are free to see others, but if one of us does that, there is no hope for reconciling. Most of the advice I have received has been that it is great he is giving me this time but after reading what you have written, I dont want to be "cruel". I am trying to figure out what i want to do, and he is willing to work with me- but am i being that person you have described jujubeenies ex to be?

Jujubeenie...i think he has not shown real interest in reconciling at this point so I agree with youngrei that you should move on. I hope if he does want to reconcile, he will have good intentions, but just open your eyes and beware that he does. We have been at our reconciliation for nearly 4 months and are still "friends" and we will have to see where it goes from here. I may be back on this board telling you i made a big mistake, but i hope not.

Good luck...and youngrei, keep up the good advice! if you have any for me, i would love to hear :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
In reply to: jujubeenie
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:47pm

Hi Lovergrl, I can't tell you how flattered I am to see that you would like to get advice from me. You put a big smile on my face. I would first like to address that your situation is nothing like Juju's. Her ex was confused and wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her any more yet he wanted to be "friends" and make her wait for him to call the next shot. Which in my opinion a bit selfish. You either make a clean break or stay in the relationship and work things through. You don't "take a break" with the possible option of seeing someone else but make your partner wait for YOU by using the lets be "friends" bit so you can jump back in the relationship whenever you feel like it. This is just my opinion.

In your case, your boyfriend DID something to cause your breakup. In your words "devastated" you, something that ruined the trust. Trust is one of the most important thing in a relationship, without it eventually the relationship will self destruct. I'm not going to ask you what he did, but the fact that it "devastated" you speaks volumes.

I had an ex who talked about marriage and future plans, even bought a ring for me to show how serious he was about his "plans". To make a long story short, I broke up with him after I found out he was trying to hook up with people online while we were dating. I was shocked because he was so nice to me and believed all the sweet nothings he told me. 2 years after we broke up he called to get back with me and confessed he was seeing someone while he was with me and said he has changed. He really is a good guy but I know men never change, especially when they said they did. I didn't take him back and stop answering his phone calls. Perhaps he had change but I didn't want risk of getting hurt again. I forgave him for what he did but I'll always remember it and I can't be in a relationship with someone who I don't completely trust. I told him why I can't take him back, and hoped he learn from this experience to cherish and appreciate the girlfriends he has in the future.

Lovergrl, if your ex were verbally/physically abusive needless to say, you shouldn't go back with him. If he cheated on you, or severely damaged your trust, it will be very difficult to rebuild the relationship and your relationship will never be the same. If he decide to give him another chance, make sure he's willing to work with you and you to prepare yourself to get hurt again when he repeat his way. And if he hurts you again, it's time to give him the boot. You don't want to stay in a relationship with a person who repeatly hurts you. It doesn't make sense to be with someone who cause you more pain and saddness than you were when you were single and alone.

Before you decide if you should take him back. Ask yourself why did you guys break up in the first place? Have this problem occur before? Do you think you're able to trust him again? Are you willing to risk getting hurt again if it doesn't work out this time? Have you guys broke up over this same problem, if so I don't recommend you getting back with him because it's just a vicious, painful cylce. You have to break that cylce and leave him. Live and learn.

If you need time to decide and afraid if he starts dating other people, it would ruin the chances for you guys to get back together, then simply ask him not to see anyone until you make your decision. Let him know to be fair you won't see anyone either during this time. It's not good to start seeing someone immediately after a breakup anyways, due to the fact you're not emotionally available to the new person. No one wants to be the "rebound" person in a relationship.

He has to gain your trust back, therefore HE should be willing to do whatever it takes to prove he is worthy to be your boyfriend again. It can't be all talk and no action. Anyone can say I love you, I can't live with out you. I'll do whatever it takes to have you in my life again, please, please give me another chance! That's sweet but let's see you follow through on those words. I hate to tell you this, but people are what they are. If you didn't like something about that person, don't expect them to change for you. If he has bad habits, that's just who he is. He'll change if he wants to but no one can force him. And sometimes even when people try to break their habits or change something about themselves, they find it very difficult or impossible because that's part of who they are. You have to either accept them or leave them and find someone who suits you better. You can't mold a person to your "ideal mate" or "soul mate" nor should you.

Sorry for writing so much. I'll check on the boards to see how you're doing. It's a good idea to give yourself time to figure things out and just relax a little. Maybe having no contact with him will help. Having some alone time to sort out your thoughts is not a bad idea either. It's hard to sort out how you really feel and or even think when everyone is saying all things and throwing so much at you. Try not to let other people affect you, figure out what you want and what you think is best for you.