Confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Confusion
4
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 1:26am

Hi Everyone,
First of all, I want to thank everyone for responding to my original post "Just Broke up Last Night". I so appreciated everyone's supportive words and to those of you who are freshly experiencing the same thing...I wish you all strength.

I am feeling very weak today. He contacted me today wanting us to hang out, he misses me, etc. When we broke up I left it open ended (told him i need time) regarding being friends. I have not called or emailed him at all, but hearing from him confused me. I was feeling very strong about no contact and not hanging out, but now I'm confused. I miss him a lot. I know it's just part of the process, but I'm afraid I might give in and hang out with him. The contact was through email, so didn't talk to him. I have not called or emailed back and don't want to right now. He says he won't call to pressure me....but he hopes I contact him soon and hopes i'll want to see him. He has made it perfectly clear he just wants a friendship now, he seems to be over the romantic feelings, but I'm not...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: banfred
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 6:35am

banfred....


You really answered your own question in your last sentence: "HE SEEMS TO BE OVER THE ROMANTIC FEELINGS, BUT I'M NOT...."


So do you really think you can accept the man as "just a friend?"

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: banfred
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:10am

Send him an email letting him know that it's not possible for you to be friends right now, but you will contact him when you're ready, and thank him in advance for respecting your wish for no contact for the time being.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: banfred
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:13am
Yes, I agree that the friendship thing can't be an option right now. It's too bad he misses you and wants things to be "as they used to be" but it's part of the story of relationships that go deep and then are expected to somehow bounce back to just friends. It doesn't work that way. People who tout that they are able to be friends soon after a breakup clearly did not go deep as lovers or boyfriends/girlfriends or else they are lying. Our hearts aren't made to swing back and forth as if nothing happened.
If your ex misses you perhaps he's never been in this situation and it's time for him to learn as well that you can't have your cake and eat it too when it comes to painful breakups.
Maybe one day you will be able to be just a friend to him but you already know it's not now. If you still care for him and love him, you are probably battling with this because you truly want him to be happy and to get what he wants. BUT RIGHT NOW YOU owe more to yourself than to him. You can't meet his needs right now because you would be sacraficing your recovery and I hope you realize that your recovery comes first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
In reply to: banfred
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 2:17pm

Hey there-

Just wanted to tell you I am sorry about the tough time you're going through. It's actually reminiscent of what I am going through right now. I've posted around the boards before, I've decided to dive in head first to a friendship with my ex, and it turns out we both have feelings for one another (even though we haven't said it flat out, it's been said in subtle ways) we don't even call what we have a friendship because we don't want to downgrade the amazing relationship that we did have. The big problem is that we're both involved w/ other people...I have a girlfriend, and she just got out of a relationship...but they're not totally out of one anothers lives. Anyway, the point is...I never knew this would happen, I thought after almost a yr it was almost impossible for feelings to develop between us again, however, once you say "never" everything changes. If I had known I would be in this mess now, I would've never opted for a friendship...friendship after love is very complicated.

I agree with whoever said that you can't expect to just bounce back into friendship, my ex tries to convince me day after day that we can have this lasting friendship (though I think it's her trying to hold on), however, I think what we have now will eventually reach it's expiration date. It's not stable, and when feelings are included in the equation, it just makes things that much more complicated.

If you become friends with him you're going to eventually want more, then you will feel like you've reached a dead end when he expresses that all he can offer is friendship...then you will be heartbroken and dissapointed and in a horrible place, you will have to take yourself away from him (esp if he starts dating someone new), and it will be like breaking up all over again. Also, emotions cloud your judgement, when you're together you might think he is sending you mixed msgs, wondering what's behind his words, or smile...but he may just be acting like nothing more than a friend, not thinking there is any innuendo behind any of his actions...that is why friendship and love just don't mix...my theory is that it can be possible once both parties have moved on and are completely OUT of love with one another..maybe...also it depends on the intensity of the realtionship...my ex and I were extremely close for the 2.5 yrs we were together, and I think this closeness is carrying over into our friendship now...I mean I feel like we have everything with an exception of the physical affection (with an exception of hugging), and the "I love you's"...so having your cake and eating it too isn't all that it's cracked up to be...I dug myself into this hole, now I am trying to find a way out...all I can tell you is, if you give yourself more time...you can save yourself a lot of heartache.