Contact with the ex
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| Sat, 04-02-2005 - 2:01pm |
I posted last week about how I sent my ex a text message while I had been drinking, and how disappointed I was in myself for doing that. Then Erin (doubleblade) pointed out to me that "no-contact" isn't necessarily a solution, or some type of magical cure...and she's right. And while I felt badly because I thought I knew better than to contact my ex, I realized it wasn't a major setback and I bounced back pretty quickly. I hadn't thought of him much since I texted him and I've been doing really well.
I came home from a party this past Thursday night (no drinking was involved this time), and I hopped online to check my mail. To my surprise, my ex IM'ed me. For a brief second I considered not answering, but then I got curious and decided to see what he wanted, and how things went. Surprisingly enough, they actually went really well--we ended up talking for a LONG time. We got along, things were civil, and everything was the same...yet so very different, if that makes any sense.
We talked about what's been going on in our lives and also a lot about what had happened between us--something we've never really done before. And the more we talked, the more I realized what different places in our lives we are at. He mentioned that he and his new girlfriend are thinking of getting engaged fairly soon, and you know what? I wasn't jealous...I mean, I was a bit surprised since they've been together less than a year, but I know that I am in NO way ready to get engaged to anyone anytime soon. My ex is about to graduate from college and he's planning on moving to a new city to find a job, while I've still got years of school left.
My ex asked if I was doing well, and it hit me...I am, I really am. I'm quite happy with myself and with the way my life is going...I'm excited for the future. I have survived without him; I know that I don't "need" or even really want him in my life anymore. He told me that he still cares, misses me, thinks of me, etc...he said that he loves talking to me and that we should be friends because it "suits us." He said that he couldn't think of a reason why we shouldn't be friends now. And I disagreed...I told him that I didn't really see the point--we have both moved on with our lives, and that chapter is closed. I told him that we've both changed--which is true. I could tell he had changed even from just talking to him online...he's a lot more focused on school; he used to be a huge party animal and now he never goes out. He still doesn't seem that happy either--he's just as insecure, which actually made me feel sorry for him. He was telling me about all the drama that's been going on with him and his girlfriend's friends (apparently they hate him), and with him and his own friends (they're mad at him for spending too much time with his girlfriend)...and you know what? I felt relieved that I'm not the one who has to deal with the drama anymore. He was never understanding of my friendships (especially with other guys).
He actually seemed a bit depressed...he mentioned how sometimes he doesn't see the point in living; that he questions why he's still alive, and that he thinks and knows too much to really enjoy life. And I realized something...he has never been happy, and probably never will be. He doesn't like himself, and he doesn't like his life. He said he doesn't want to work and he wants to do something really great with his life, but he knows he won't. He's looking for something/someone to fill that empty void in himself, and I doubt he's ever going to find it.
I still care about my ex, and I probably wouldn't mind talking to him occasionally, but I'm certainly not going to make the effort to keep him in my life. I don't think of him as a friend, and I don't want to get back together with him. We expect and want very different things...he actually said to me that he thought we WERE friends right now. I told him that he didn't exactly fit my definition of a friend and that I've lost a lot of respect for him. I also said that I didn't feel like I knew him anymore...and maybe that's true, but I think it's more that I don't want to know him now? I told him I wasn't going to make the effort to contact him, and I think he understood.
Sorry this was just a bunch of rambling, but I wanted to get some thoughts out :) I don't know if I'll ever speak to my ex again, but either way it doesn't matter. I've learned what I want in life and for once, it isn't him. I feel good...
