Contact or No Contact?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Contact or No Contact?
9
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 10:17am
Had a year relationship with a wonderful woman. For the most part we got along very well with lots of the same interests.. Its started breaking down because she is going through a miserable divorce and custody battle.. it was alot for me and her to handle.. plus she did not want her kids to know that we were dating.. so i did not see them much, only at family parties, etc.. To them I was her friend..
She told me a relationship at this point in her life was too much to handle because her plate is full with all the other stuff going on in her life and its just got too much for her to handle.. She told me i was everything she ever wanted, great with her kids, warm, genuine, etc.. she then said that she might be making the biggest mistake of her life by letting me go.. But she needs to be free and single now with no obligations to anyone.. She also told me that she will also be dating but it does not mean anything.. she knows that there is no one out there like me.. She is very honest and I believe her.. She also told me that our timing is way off.. she is not even divorced yet.. and we were leading up to getting serious..
For the month after we split up, she called and wrote me all the time.. telling me about her day, kids, etc.. and I saw her a couple of times where we were very loving and affectionate to each other..
I was having a tough time because we still had lots of feelings for each other, but she could not make the commitment to me.. it was tough for me as well because i knew she was going to be dating..
So I told her I loved her and understood and respected her decision to concentrate on her domestic stuff, but that I needed some time away from her so I can also move on and not get hurt and be unhappy which I was when I could not have her fully.. She felt bad but understood..
Its been 2 weeks with no contact.. and its been tough.. Can someone please tell me if this is the best thing to do.. or do I stay in her life and be supportive of what she is going through and then I will have to suffer.. Please help.. Thanks..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:23am

I know exactly how you feel. I was in a 4.5 year relationship, I'm only 21, he is 22. We started dating our Junior year in highschool. He ended it 6 weeks ago because he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, needed to figure out what he wanted out of his life, etc.... He told me if he wanted me back he would do anything it took to get me back.

Somedays are harder than others. I don't know if we will ever get back together, but I can't focus on what might happen I take it day by day.

I too have struggled with whether or not to call him. It has been 4 weeks of no contact. He hasn't tried to contact me either, because I believe he is trying to respect me and the fact that it did hurt too much to talk to him.

Everyone on these boards says NO CONTACT! But for some reason it's been really difficult for me. I guess I don't want my ex thinking I hate him, because I don't.

Just think it over and call her if you feel like you can talk to her without getting hurt. That's what I'm doing, but right now I'm not ready. Take some time to yourself and better yourself.

Remember you never know what might happen in the future and if you and her are supposed to be together you will be.

~Amber~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:26am

Just as an FYI, no contact is really difficult for EVERYONE!!! People don't suggest it because it's "easy", they suggest it because it's the only thing that works.

So, you're not alone by any means in finding no contact difficult. It's VERY, very hard. But it's essential if you're going to move on.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:31am

You're doing the right thing, for both of you. As a practical matter, she needs to learn to get her support elsewhere and stand on her own two feet following her divorce, and you both need time without contact to get over your romantic feelings for each other.

Eventually, you may be able to reconnect as friends, once you no longer have romantic feelings for each other. I am friends with a couple of exes *now*, but it took some time with no contact first to get to the point where we could be friends.

Sheri

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 4:09pm
Thanks for the reponses.. I dont want her to lose romantic interest in me.. I want her to get her life back on track and be ready for something, but its too hard for me to be in it at the moment.. The last thing I want her to do is lose romantic interest in me..
Any ideas?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 4:18pm

Well, that's out of your control. If it's meant to be, she'll get in touch when she's ready. But in the meantime, you need to not have contact and move on as though that's never going to happen.

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 6:36pm
You did the best thing you could do. Your post sounds almost exactly like another one from the board. Only that was a woman who is going out with a man going through a difficult divorce and custody battle. Let her go and work on yourself. She will come back after the dust settles. If she doesn't, you will have maintained your self-respect. Protecting your heart is the best thing to do now. If you maintain a friendship with someone you need more from it will just lead to more pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
In reply to:
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 12:49am
Hello! I am going through a similar situation. I don't want this man to lose romantic interest in me either and I can't imagine hanging out with him as platonic friends in the future--but Sheri is right: We have no control over the situation.
Your ex needs to work out her situation--by herself--right now. Denying her that would hurt her in the long run. No contact feels like the biggest risk, but it really is the best for both of you. You sound like a wonderful person and I wish you the best.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 7:18pm

I must say that I believe that no contact is best. Reason I say this is because I am currently separated from my husband by my own choice. I thought that staying in contact with him that maybe we could become friends again and maybe from that, start to heal from the pain of his infidelity in our marriage. It's been two years now and nothing has changed. Although he says he is devoted to our marriage and wants to make it work, I have no trust in him and I'm not seeing anything in the way of being able to trust him again. Part of that is because all it is, is just words. There is no action being followed through by his words.

I know that my situation is slightly different from your relationship with your girlfriend but it's a relationship nonetheless that has broken. Reasons might be different but still broken. I still may be his wife but I'm not seeing that he is committed to the relationship of our marriage and his word.

I finally decided that no contact is best way to handle things. We have no children or anything such as that to keep us in contact with each other, so no contact is best. He calls but I need him to understand that it is over and the only way to do that is not to answer his calls.

What I want to say to you is that no contact is best BECAUSE, why chase or go after something that isn't ready for you or needs time to find what they really want or need in their life? Doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or care what happens to you, just means she needs time for (as one of your posters said so well) the dust to settle down. If and when she is ready to come back to you, she'll look you up. Otherwise, why put your life on hold for her? There are many other women out there I'm sure that would be very lucky to have you. Chin up mate, you can move on and live that happy life you dream of. It just might not be her and who knows? Someone else could be just around the corner just as perfect for you as she was.

Good luck mate. Prayers and thougths are with you.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 2:20pm
Thank everyone for all there help.. It helps me out alot just reading the posts..