Contemplating the Break Up

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Contemplating the Break Up
2
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 9:56pm

Okay, I'm not sure why I'm doing this message board thing. Maybe it's to get some justification. Here's what's happening:

I met a man online a little over a year ago, and we've been dating since then. I thought I was perfectly happy with him until this last week, and then things changed. Maybe they had been changing for awhile, and this last week made me realize I am not really happy, just pretending. When I am with this man, I laugh and he makes me feel sexy, but there are too many things missing. I have two children, ages 9 and 6, and he is okay with them, but doesn't go out of his way to do anything with them, either. That bothers me. He also tends to be a little lazy, and I am a goer who has a hard time sitting still. I have tried to be content with him, but it is getting harder to do these days.

Last Thursday, I got an email from an old friend inviting me out to West Texas for New Year's Eve, and I decided to just hop in the car and go. I haven't done the spur of the moment thing in a very long time, and it felt great! My kids were with their father (we are divorced), and there was nothing to stop me. Except the man I have been dating. I guess I should add that the old friend is a man, a man who was married to a high school friend of mine but now they are divorced. Anyway, I jumped in the car and away I went on a five hour drive to see this friend. I called the man I am dating and told him I was going, in fact I was already an hour away from home. I think he was a little shocked, but said okay "have fun". I had more fun this weekend than I have had in a long time! My friend, Gary, and I talked like a couple of old cronies for hours on end the night I got there. The next day, we ate lunch, went to the bar and had a few beers where we just kept talking and talking. We spent New Year's Eve at the bowling alley with friends of his and had a great time. I left the next day for home knowing that things would not be the same when I got home.

I realized on my trip that I have been settling for someone who is not right for me and my kids. I feel like a chump, though. Last week he thought things were fine, then almost overnight my attitude changed. I haven't been ugly to him, but I haven't been warm either. I know I want to break up with him, but I do care for him and I don't know how to keep the hurt to a minimum. Can someone help me with this?

There's more, though. As you may have guessed, I have always liked Gary, alot. He married a friend of mine, but they have been divorced for about 8 or 9 years. I found out this weekend that he has always liked me, too. For some reason I have this need to be with someone, but my someones generally turn out to be jerks in one way or another. I am not a good judge of character. I know Gary is a wonderful man. I've known him for almost 15 years, and he's steady and fun-loving. I am so confused that my head hurts! Gary didn't say that he wanted to date, but he is coming to see me in a couple of weekends. I don't know if it is as a friend, or more. I want more, but I don't know if this is the right way to go about this. I also know that when he comes to visit, chances are good that sex will be involved. It would have happened this weekend, except my conscience got the better of me and I wouldn't let it happen. Next time is another story, though.

I know I have given alot of fragmented information, but if you can sort through the uncertainty and give any advice, I would be forever grateful. Ask me questions, shake me, whatever it will take to get my head back together. I'm afraid to listen to my heart because it has steered me wrong too many times. Am I just lonely? Help me, please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:01pm

"Am I just lonely?"

Yes, but that's not a bad thing. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with wanting someone to be with. What is wrong is settling for being with just anyone. Settling with someone who doesn't fully embrace your children. After all, any man in your life not only has to be good enough for you, but it's manditory that he's good enough for them. Not putting any effort to reach out to your kids is not good enough.

Whether or not anything progresses with Gary, the pretending with your current BF needs to stop. It's unfair to him, it's unfair to you, and it's unfair to your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:47pm
You just need to ask yourself one HUGE question.....are you really unhappy in your relationship or is it the possibility of having something with Gary that's making your relationship seem so dull?
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