Continue to lve w/him or move out?
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| Sat, 12-08-2007 - 3:30pm |
Ok, here's my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs., and we've been living together for 4 months. Before we moved in together (we also happen to live with two other male roommates), I made sure that he was financially OK with it. In addition to paying rent, bills, etc., he is also paying a mortgage on another house that is up on the market and that his father is currently inhabiting. He reassured me that it would be OK and that he would be able to afford the rent, which is very cheap. Well, due to the poor housing market, his house is not selling now, and we don't expect it to for quite a while. He now wants us to move into his house that is for sale and to live there with his father. (This is a small house w/a "jack-and-jill" bathroom. In other words, we would have no privacy).
At first I was OK with the idea, but now I'm not so sure. I love living with him; it's great being able to wake up to him every morning. However, being someone who is always putting others first and not listening to my own needs, I am starting to have a new understanding about myself and what I want/need in my life. While I know that relationships take cooperation and both people have to compromise, I am tried of being the one who sacrifices things for the good of the relationship. If I move to this new house with him, I will be doubling my work commute from 30 minutes to 1 hour; we will be living in a much smaller space; and I will be forced to live with his father, who I do not particularly get along with. The only way that I would be benefiting from it is that I would still be able to live w/ my BF.
Additionally, this is not the first situation that has come up where I am compromising my needs. For the past two years, rather than working a traditional job, he has spent his time building a house (not the one on the market. but a different one). This was meant to be built quickly (a 1 yr. project that turned into a 2 yr. one) and sold for profit -- money that he said was going to be used to buy our first home together. Needless to say, like the other house, this one did not sell and he now has renters in it. The whole time that he was building the house which is 2 hrs. away from where I lived, I spent weekends and other time off work driving up there to see and help him. Although I am not a particularly money hungry person, I cannot help but feel that I did not get and will not get, anything out of that time and situation. We are not engaged, though I would like to be. We have discussed it before, but in the past he said that he wanted to wait until the house was sold, whenever that happens. I am now starting to recall that saying, "Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free".
Should I move with him to live under the same roof as his father? Aside from still being able to live w/my BF, I will be very unhappy in the situation. Or, should I remain in the town where we currently live and get my own apartment. This will make me happy because I'll be closer to work and will not have to live w/BF's father, but unhappy because I won't be living w/BF?

Hello!
I think that if there is one place in the world where you should feel comfortable is in your own home. You know?
And sometimes getting a nice living situation can be difficult, roomates can be hard to deal with, family can be annoying, boyfriend can drive you crazy... but in all those situations you can negotiate.
Relationships between "in laws" are complicated and sometimes difficult to handle. I wouldn't move with either of my (ex)"in laws" because this can put extra tension to an already difficult relationship. I think that if you should avoid it, if you can...it's for the sake of your mental health and the sake of your relationship!!!
Emilia
One, you're not a cow.
Two, just because you don't live with your boyfriend doesn't mean you couldn't be happy with him. It wouldn't be "taking a step backwards" because this was brought on by financial issues.
Three, don't invest the kind of time you did when he was building his house, unless you know for a fact, and I'm talking ring, date, etc., that it's something for the two of you. Because logically, until that happens, what's his is his and what's yours is yours, ok? If it came down to it, legally, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
Four, as a single woman you really need to look out for your own best interests. I'm not so sure traipsing off with him wherever he goes because of his own hardships while he still has not invested fully in you is the way to go.
Welcome to the board dilford,
You've already been given good advice, I just wanted to add:
::Should I move with him to live under the same roof as his father?
In my opinion, no, you don't have a ring on your finger and you "don't particularly get along with".