A conundrum...
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| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 5:11pm |
Ok, so the boy broke up with me two days ago. It was my first real "adult" relationship and I fell in love hard. I only expressed that feeling maybe twice and never pushed him to say it back nor did I ever want him to be any more feeling than he already was.
However, he broke up with me and said that his feelings for me, in our almost five month relationship, had not turned to "love" but instead to friendship. He said that he loves who I am. He said that he loves being with me. I suppose this is "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." He says that he wants to be friends with me, because he said that when he's with me he can be himself. And it's just the two of us being together and there's no farce and there's no fakeness. It's just us being us. And he says that he still wants that. Which is why when he broke up with me, he wanted to spend the rest of the day with me. And yes, I cried...a lot. Not violently, but I was weepy. We did talk about it and I asked questions and ultimately he said that what we had just didn't work. And that he was feeling discontent.
He also said that he was going to be working mainly on getting into his career, and getting that started and out of this slump it's in. I suppose I'm a major distraction with that as well.
So, at the end of the night, he dropped me off and gave me a huge hug and promised to call me the next day to see how I was doing. Which he did. What he doesn't know is that the second I closed the door, I literally fell to the floor in tears and violent sobs. When he called we did the mindless chitchat and then he asked if I was "ok" and that's when we started talking about the relationship. I asked if there was any hope and he said "I'm sorry sweetie."
My question is...I'm in love with him. I'm not angry. I want to be friends with him, because in the course of our relationship he did become my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and I was so relaxed and just able to be myself around him without feeling insecure. He also said that he thought of us as strangers in a way, because we don't know each other the way we should. So, we're going to try to get to know one another as friends.
So, is it possible to be friends with him or should I cut the ties? And if we become friends and we do get to know one another better is there any possibility of him wanting to get back together?
Thanks.
Edited 11/6/2006 5:27 pm ET by jambagrrl

Oh honey, oh no no no no no.
No, you cannot be friends with him yet.
I'm sorry, that's got to be painful. But if there's a bright side to this, it's that he was honest with you rather than letting this drag out longer.
About being friends...you can be friends, but not NOW. In order for a friendship between exes to be successful, both parties have to have moved on and let go of their romantic feelings for each other. That is the case for him, but not for you. So you need to take a break from being in contact with him. A couple-3 months should do it, given the length of your relationship. Then you can reconnect as friends (assuming you're over your romantic feelings for him by then--it may take more time or less time).
And it sounds to me like he's pretty clear about his friendship feelings for you. Never say never, of course, but I've found that once someone decides they aren't in love with you romantically, that rarely changes.
Sheri
i'm sorry to hear you are going through this. i agree with the other advice--now is not the time to be friends. it really is SO true that you cannot be friends with someone until you are over them and vice versa. i am only in week 6 of my breakup and after 2 days i was feeling the same things as you...it's because you feel the void of him not being there, or not like he used to, so you want to change the relationship to a friendship to keep him in your life in any way possible. it hurts so bad but the only thing i can say is it does get easier...really, honestly, every day it does. there are good days and bad days. for the first 3 weeks it took all i had to get up, go to work and maintain my life without him, but you know what, it gets better. the past few days i have fully realized that i cannot be friends with my ex right now, and i couldn't say that a week ago, but i'm getting more used to him not being around with every day that passes, and no contact has probably been my saving grace. as hard as it is, without that, i don't know if i'd be as strong as i am now. it's very empowering...and if he truly is someone you should be friends with, he will understand why you can't be friends right now. somewhere down the line, once you've gotten over him, if you decide you still want to be friends then i'm sure he will be there. good luck...
I agree that no contact is best- but I also think that once you get past the initial sadness of the breakup, you should think about whether or not this is a friendship that's really worth keeping.
I know it's hard right now to look at this objectively, but I think he was very insensitive with this whole situation. Here is someone that told you that he doesn't love you- and then wanted you to spend the day together, "hanging out" like nothing ever happened. Sorry- but most people's feelings don't turn on and off like that! It sounds like a big ego boost for him- to have you crying all day about how he broke up with you, while he acts like it's no big deal. He was being pretty selfish- wanting this to be done at HIS pace, not taking your emotions into consideration at all.
Maybe you don't see it that way- but that's just the impression I got from your post. He doesn't really sound like someone that really deserves your friendship- at least not right now. So, take some time and focus on yourself for a while and figure out what YOU want, instead of letting him call the shots.
Erica
Your situation sounds very similar to my breakup a few months ago. My ex said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and we decided to break up. Instantly, he had no problem being friends and he wanted me to remain in his life the way things were except without the title of a gf and no commitment. At first, I was just happy to still have him in my life and I knew for a few weeks that things weren't working so I said OK to being friends. But after seeing him once after the breakup, it was too hard to "just be friends" right away when I still had feelings. I cut him out for 3 weeks and it was surprisingly easier than what most people say. Just keep your friends/family around and do what you enjoy until you're exhausted and just want to pass out on your bed. (It prevents late night calls). Since you said you still have feelings for him, TRUST ME.. NC IS A MUST.. I wish I kept it for longer. I have thought for weeks and weeks that I was "over him" but things will always happen to set me back..
I go to school with my ex tho so once September rolled around, my progress with "moving on" was back tracked 10X... Many of my feelings came back and I started wanting him back as my bf.. We talked about it a few times and he says he wants to be with me "sometimes".. I was getting false hopes and just last week, a bomb was exploded when I found out he likes another girl in our faculty and is VERY interested in perhaps pursuing her. I was so mad that he would tell me he still has feelings for me "sometimes" but yet always has his attention on this new girl. I have started NC AGAIN and this time it's even harder than the first since I see him everyday. But I know this has to happen for me to move on. I can't wait around for him.. And I think this applies to you too. Life is for living and if you're stuck waiting for someone or hoping they'll change their minds, you may miss experiences with GREAT people who are better for you. (I'm trying to remind myself this everyday..)
GOodluck and keep me posted on any pointers :)
Hey girl,
So I totally knopw where you are. My bf and I broke up and he wanted to be still friends. i wanted to try the no contact thing, which didn't really happen until a week or so after the break up. In that week I said a lot of things that I regret, and none of them changed the situation except to make things work.
So I started the no contact rule. To help me I left my phone in the car during work and school and only checked it during my breaks. Under no circumstances did I call him. It took 3 days and he finally called me, three times and texted me twice. This made me feel in control of the situation and it did feel better once I had this control. I was walking on the clouds. Now here was my mistake, and in my case it actually worked out for the best but it hardly happens this way.
My mistake was I called him back. He didn't answer, I got very angery (he was dating a mutual friend of ours after a week after the break up). This led my mind to wander and I just got angery, and lost that feeling of control. The next day he called me twice more and asked me to come over and study with him. I ditched out on work and went to his place.....bad move. I was hoping to make myself known in the house so the new gf would get pissed and leave him. It didn't happen that way. We had a good day and ended up sleeping together and having an amazing dinner. But later when I couldn't convince him that he should be with me I was right back at the beginning emotionally.
This was also the beginning of our "just friends" stage which ended up to be a very unhealthy relationship. In the end we got back together just to break up again a few months later and then get back together just to breakup again. I am now trying the no contact thing again. And it is hard. It does make it easier that he is 500mi away now. Everyone promises me that this will make it better, so lets see if it works. What helps me is if I call some one else when I get the urge to call him. Don't look for excuses to call him either.
Hey,
I gotta agree with everyone on the No Contact thing. My ex broke up with me two weeks ago because he has too much on his plate right now (work, kids). Since we live an hour and a half apart and I don't drive, he was the one who had to come down to see me (I have my own place but he lives at home so me going to his place wasn't a great option). So our relationship was mainly on the phone. Well he says he still wants to be friends, that he wants me to call him, etc. I don't have much relationship experience so of course I called him a few times. But I realized that I have to stop it for now. Me calling is just keeping me involved in his life and making me miss him more. And furthermore, since we're not in a relationship I can't ask him to come and see me. So he's basically off the hook. I have decided that it's in my best interest not to call him for a while. I know it will be VERY hard, but I have to get over him. Speaking to someone you loved/cared about deeply after a break-up just makes you hope for something that just isn't happening. It's over and the friendship thing right away is a way of avoiding dealing with that and it keeps the door open for that man. And keep this in mind, when women break up with men, do we say Let's just be friends??
I agree with everyone else: it is way too early for you to even try and start a friendship with this guy. Like "fearlesschick", I am now in week 6 of my break-up and am starting to realize that an attempted friendship right now would be torture. No-contact is easy for me to maintain because we were/are veeery long distance (which is one reason why he broke it off, he claimed it was the main reason but I have a hard time believing it). So all I have to do is to not email him and never be tempted to call him. Which is also easy because he did not have a cell phone when we broke up and even if he got a new one in the meantime, I don't know the number. I only have his home number and the time difference is such that we would rarely be home/awake at the same time. Just as in your case, he suggested we should be friends, though he said I should take all the time I need and he never said that he didn't love me. He has said he loves me (though I was the one who said it first), but then didn't say it for a long time while we were apart (neither did I) and then when things got even more difficult due to circumstances, he said he saw no future.
You need to give yourself some time and don't expect that your feelings will change quickly. Just because you want to be over him romantically and you want to be friends because you are afraid of losing that emotional closeness, does not mean you are able or ready to do it. I certainly know that I'm not, but I didn't know that two days after we broke up. Two days after he broke up with me, I was still in denial and trying to figure out what his reasons were. I got the impression that he was depressed and that maybe it had nothing to do with me (he had just returned from Iraq two weeks earlier). So I called him, but the way he acted on the phone told me that while he might be depressed, it was not the reason for his decision. So I let it go. He seemed ready to jump into a friendship right away and said "talk to you later" but I said I didn't know if I wanted to and then hung up. Then I got scared that maybe I'd never hear from him again and so I wrote him an email two weeks later saying that if he truly wanted to be friends then he should give me some time and then contact me, if not, then goodbye, nice knowing you. Now, I kinda wish I hadn't done that. It was unnecessary and I don't think it did any good. Anyway, he has not tried to contact me. In a way, that makes things easier, but in a way, I keep wondering why. Is he trying to give me time like I asked him to and like he said he would, or does he simply not miss me? Possibly has already moved on to someone new?
These are the kinds of questions that may go through your mind as well during no-contact. I'd say that's normal. You have to try your best not to let it drive you insane. That breaking-down-on-the-floor crying you talked about, I had that just last weekend. The bad days come and go. I wanted nothing more than to call him that day. But I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't. Stay strong. I know it's easier said than done, believe me. Everyone told me to stay strong and that I would get through this and I didn't believe one word they said. I still have a hard time believing it, but I now begin to realize that no-contact is the best way to go. Possibly the only one. I still think about us possibly getting back together one day, though I try to make myself believe that that is only an illusion. It's so hard, because I can't bring myself to stop thinking about him. I try to be angry at him, even hate him, but it doesn't last long.
You have to think about what is best for you. I know you miss him intensely and you think that having him as a friend will be better than not having him around at all, that is exactly how I was feeling and still am. But you are still in love with him and unless you stop seeing him for a while, I doubt that that will change. You'll keep feeling this way, and won't be able to move on, but he will, and that will hurt you all over again. You need to stop hoping he'll come back to you before you attempt to be friends with him. You and me, both. I can't tell you how to do that, I WISH I knew how to do that. If you find out, let me know :-)
In the meantime, try to enjoy life like you did before you got involved with him. Things that used to be fun may not seem like fun anymore, but it will get better. Slowly, maybe, but steadily. One thing that also helped me a little was to write a letter to him, a letter that I never intend to send. I wrote down everything that I was feeling, everything that he meant to me, everything that bothered me about him. Every mistake I felt I made, or he made, every unanswered question I have. I addressed it to him, and said things like "When you said I thought you meant , though I realize now that maybe I misunderstood you" or "You always used to and I never told you how much that bothered me/how much that meant to me". It felt quite liberating to spell everything out without worrying about what his answer might be and without risking to make an idiot of myself. The letter is now 6 pages long (text document on the computer!) and I still add things occasionally. Even if I *wanted* to send it now, I know he'd never read all the way to the bottom :-)
Okay, that's all the wisdom I can share, I hope some of it helps...
Siren