Coping with a live-in breakup
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| Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:46pm |
Hi folks,
First off, I didn't realize that iVillage was mainly female oriented... maybe that's better, because I need some perspective from that side. I've been with this girl (we're both in our mid-late 20's) for over 5 years. We've lived together at various places for about 3.5-4 of those 5 years. Anyways now it's all come to an end: details asside, she is really depresed, told me that she has fallen out of love, wants to find herself again, gain her independence, go back to school, etc.
She is deep in debt and no where to go right away. It was a very 'humane' (for lack of better terms) and civilized breakup, we discussed everything that happened.
She does intend to move out, but unable to immediately. So is there any advice for how to cope with having her still around? I still find myself dribbling in tears everytime I see her, it just spawns random memories. This can't be a healthy healing process, but I can't just throw her out. She's sleeping in the spare bedroom, and we at least talk, you know about the small things, laundry, her day at work, etc. I want to be as supportive as possible, I know this is hard on both of us, but I feel so pathetic losing it all the time around her.
Should I just put off trying to recover untill after she's moved out, or is there something I can do now? As I said to her, I don't know how this is supposed to work, as I just can't turn my feelings off for her.
Thanks for reading.

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Well we've only been in this house/location for a few months, so there aren't any real close friends or family to rely on. I know things would be much easier for me if it was a cut and dry split, as in, no contact. However I care too much to simply throw her out, because I know money is tight for her (and I, it's going to be hard coping with a house on one income now) Partially I guess we are still dependant on each other in that manner. If I can't have her out, I can't bear to simply cut her off from communication either: I think this would just add tension on top of the heartbreak.
All in all it's a crappy situation. Is it absurd of me to offer to help in her transition, as in, helping with her move, etc?
OK so tonight was really confusing: I've been talking with a long-distance male friend through all this, and speaking with him (we've both been let go recently), I feel very liberated, and ready to move on. I spent most of the evening in the garage tinkering, and when I came back to the house we both sat on the stoop and chatted. Things from her trying to find a doctor(and how hard it was to get an apoint.), her day at work, my day at work, even a dabble in "us". I asked if she thought we just needed some time apart. She said she didn't know, that she was "just not right". Throughout this I haven't been able to figure out if she wants to make another go at it down the road, or if we should just both move on for good.
I mean if one person falls out of love (though she says she still does/will probably always love me), doesn't that kind of imply for good? I think it would be easy to have some spark again down the road, but are these just old feelings being dug up unconsciously?
Separate as much as possible asap.
I think it was on this board somewhere ( I forget who) said they continued to live with their ex for a short time. And it took very little time for them to go from loving that person to pieces to hating them to death.
OR there was that study where they pumped volunteers with andrenaline and put them in a room with angry people and even though the volunteers weren't angry to begin with, they quickly went nuts. Point is that if you put two hurt and emotionally high people in the same room, it doesn't take much to escalate into a bad fight, even with the best intentions. Wouldn't you want to split with good thoughts of your ex?
for what its worth, a LONG time ago i went thru the same thing but i was on the other side. i broke up with my fiance and he couldnt move out right away. we did the opposite of what you're doing...it worked for us and he was the best man at my wedding....
we avoided each other when we could. when we couldnt, we were civil and polite but never personal - that's what gets you thinking about the memories. but we were never hutrful either - i started dating someone and NEVER brought him home or talked about him to my ex. whenever we did talk it was all business (did the phone bill arrive, what do we need from the grocery store, etc) but if it started to get personal (how are you doing, etc) we both agreed that one of us would leave or we would go to our rooms. in the short term, you need that departure from anything that could make you think fondly of each other, or even make you realize you still care for each other. sounds harsh, but like i said, it worked for us. you start to see each other as acquaintances in a way...
but importantly, this is something that you would have to discuss and agree upon because it takes both of you to make it work.
thats my two cents. good luck
Good morning, slipnfall
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Thanks for all the responses: sorry I've been a bit out of touch.
I'm doing my best to simply come to terms with the situation. Yeah it sucks, I'm broken, but tomorrow is another day I suppose. She is seeming to spend less time at the house: she works quite a bit, but on her days off now she's spending the day/night at distant friend's houses more often.
I find myself curious to know what she's up to: thinking about wether she's out having fun, sobbing with friends, whatever. I guess a part of me wants to know that she's hurting also, if that doesn't sound sick 'n twisted. It seems so easy for her: she keeps a straight face, and at times very cold.
Yesterday I made a snap decision to just get out of the house, for whatever reason, for just a quick drive. I drove a few miles to a local coffee shop, but I felt very uncomfortable out on my own. I mean, it's not like I don't venture out by myself anywhere(!), but I almost didn't know how to act; I intended to maybe just sit outside, drink my coffee, take it all in for a little bit, but I felt very out of place. I ended up just taking my coffee back to my car and leaving!
How did you guys/gals 'branch out' (for lack of better terms) socially after being so exclusive for so long?? I don't neccessarily need immediate companionship, but I feel quite out of touch with the public!
I'm actively searching for a roommate, though I haven't told her just yet. I hope I am ready for that even.
Thanks again for the support.
Well you folks were right about one thing: it's surely getting sticky. I found out that she's been hanging out with a male co-worker outside of work to talk about 'us'. I realize that this came about because of our break-up, not the other way around, but it still hurt a bit. Like I was never given a chance at all. Anyways I really thought I was on a good path untill I found this out... I talked it over with some friends, and was able to bring myself back to realizing why we are breaking up. A similar friend is going through the same thing: it's almost like a 'cold-feet' condition. We were so young to be locked into a relationship, that neither of us has had time to really explore the world, to stretch our wings. Despite all this I may a *really* backwards move and tried to 'plead my case' with her again last night. It felt horrible, and she didn't take it well.
On top of her financial troubles, her mom is pulling some crap that is either sticking her with another 4-500/mo payment, or risking losing her car. I told her long ago, and still hold this promise, that she should never have to worry about a place to sleep: that I would never want her on the streets.
This sucks: I'm not helping her financially, other than her staying here. She can't make it on her own right now, but I don't think my sanity will last another two months! We're both doing our best to avoid being 'home'. Arghh... i know, I'm probably repeating myself, but it still helps to put it on paper.
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