Could I get some feedback on this.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Could I get some feedback on this.....
6
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:00pm
I lasted a week with n/c, and My ex was calling me pretty much all through out the week, and I didn't talk to him or anything.. He called on Saturday sayings he missed me, and would I just call him back, he said he was sorry for the rude email he wrote, and that I took it the wrong way.. Well that was pretty much stupid because, there was no wrong way to take that email... However, he called me on Tuesday, and I answered, I didn't say much I let him do most of the talking, but I did get in that I was insulted by his lack of respect for me, and I also let him know how rude he was been lately.. He asked me when could He see me. I said I don't know... He said what if I wanted to get back together, and I said well since it's not now,then I will deal with the situation when and or if it even comes up. I said to be honest I am not really even worried about it either way.. Then he starts trying to get in converstation... about pass things, like why I couldn't go to the movies with him as a friend, and I told him.. You already know how I feel about that..and I don't have any intention of going back over that again. So let's not get into it.. He asked me about what I was doing, and said it was really great talking to me, and that he missed talking me like this.. All the time, I'm just not really giving him any feedback really. I'm just being like ok... He asked me did I miss him, and I didn't comment, I just made a comment about something else, and skipped over it... I love him, and I want to be with him, I just feel like everytime and I have tried before to just telling him that I love him, and I miss him too then he seems to get some wierd enery off of that and then begains treating me second best.. He did get another phone call, from someone else, and clicked over and told me to hold on.. however he came back and didnt get off the phone with me at first.. but it only took like a couple of mins before he did. I was kinda of disappointed in that, and it hurt alittle because I knew it was a girl. I didnt answer his calls the next day, but I did call him this morning, and said hi.. but thats pretty much it.. He seemed happy to talk to me... Could anybody give me some insight on what you think might be going through his head... I realize that know one will actually know..but it would be cool.. to get someone else perception on .. this..


Thanks in advance

Lynn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:22pm
Let's see if this works for you.

If some guy were wanting your attention, and he was sorta cute and nice but you weren't real into him.

Would YOU turn down his calls - since whenever he would call you MIGHT have nothing better to do and go along. But you always knew if you had something better to do - you wouldn't have to go, or even answer if you didn't want to.

Why would someone who is getting attention that says "you're worthy of my attention and effort"....particularly who has had past access to your body and knows how to get you in a "position" that you'll be less likely to turn down intimacy in......say the following:

"I don't want a relationship. I don't want you to call. I don't want you to call me, please. I don't want to have any interaction for awhile, till you get over me."

Basically, you're doing the 'on hold" thing - but you're doing it to you - just so you get that part straight.

Think of this as him having a 10 line phone..with 10 active lines. HEre's you - calling in to say 'hi, how're you doing, wanted to let you know I was thinking about it" - which he can put his own spin and projection on as to "what you really were thinking and wanted". IF there is nobody calling him and you do -he can talk. He wants distraction and diversion. IF someone else rings in - he'll put you on hold...he might come back immediately if it was a sales call....he might not if it was someone he's intrested in, or someone calling to do something he wants to do.

But thereis you...sitting on hold long distance...AT YOUR EXPENSE. You called him.....you pursued the contact. And now you're having 'no contact but just expense (aka - investment in him).

Or, let's say he calls you because he has nothing better to do - you talk, he puts you on hold and comes back eventually. YOu think "hey, at least that time it didn't cost me money, it was on his dime." But, it did "cost" you something more valuable than money - time..that you have now invested in "him" at your expense.....when he hasn't stated that he wants what you want.

There is no way to find out "why he's calling" - other than it is safe to say that he likes knowing he can ring up, talk to you, despite his rude email, he can tell you that YOU are taking it wrong and that you're wrong in your perception that he was rude, and you still talk to him, concerned about what he's doing, wondering about his activities.

That is SUCH AN EGO BOOST.....to him it says "i'm so hot and I'm so good, no mater how I treat her she keeps coming back for more."

And to you...about you...and ot him it's saying "dismiss me, ignore me, put me on hold, tell me I'm cheap, it proves you care."

That's what got you in the position you're in....everything in the relationship was done to meet his needs, by his terms, at his standards, for his goals.....and you were a service provider, and a benefitting entity in his life. YOu weren't regarded as an equal - he doesn't want an "equal" he wants service and providership and a benefits package.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:28pm
Here's my two cents - some people really can't stand to be ignored, and that may be the whole story here. Your ignoring his communication triggers that "pursuit" instinct in him, and he becomes determined to get you to answer and to respond positively to him. Some guys also want so badly to believe that they're good people, and to believe that you're pining away and still in love with them, they'll keep at you until they get a positive response from you, then disappear. I think that's the "weird energy" you refer to - it's validation that he's still got it, that he can still work it, he hasn't lost his power over you (and, by extension, over all women). So, you ignoring him ignites this mindless need to keep contacting you until he connects, he gets a little thrill from any positive response you have, but he does not want to get back together or work on your problems as a mature adult. That's why he's so cold and unresponsive if and when you initiate contact with him. He doesn't want to talk to you, he wants to win, to play his own little game with his own peculiar rules. It's about him being able to manipulate you and keep one foot in the door, it is NOT about him wanting to woo you back and earn your trust again. I know it sounds sad to think he's playing games with you, but I can't tell you how many times someone has posted the exact same story on these boards as yours, it's very much a pattern. Keep ignoring him, there'll probably be an escalation of attempts to contact you, then he'll get bored and you won't hear from him again (until he's dumped or needs an ego boost, that is). Mature and self-aware people just don't act like this. If you realized you loved someone and needed to be with them for the rest of your life, you wouldn't behave this way. You know it, you just don't want to admit it, because it sucks to think this is all about his issues rather than about love, but I think you know what's really going on here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:43pm
"Could anybody give me some insight on what you think might be going through his head"


What's going through his head?! Same thing...wants to have his cake and eat it to. Stand your ground and keep up the no contact. Did you like the way it felt knowing after he hung up on you he called another girl? Will you like looking over your shoulder and always wondering which girl he's got something going with? I remember that e-mail! You're right...no misunderstanding that! He's a jerk and a coward for trying to worm out of his nasty intentions when he wrote it and make you feel stupid for "taking it the wrong way." Try going a month with no contact. Although you will still feel the pain, you'll be amazed how your perception changes after such a short time. Make a calendar and cross off each day you don't speak to him. See if he makes any serious changes after that, or better yet, if you even want him any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:55pm
Maybe my story is unusual, but... my boyfriend felt like I wasn't giving him enough space and that he didn't want to miss out on anything that was "out there," and decided to break up with me. We were really close and used to be best friends before we started dating, during which time he pursued me for a year. He still wanted to be friends, but I told him that I was either going to be his girlfriend or nothing at all, and started doing... what I considered to be a modified version of NC (I didn't initiate contact, and generally responded with the most uninformative thing I could think of to his attempts to talk with me). So after a few days, he called me and told me that he missed me and still wanted to be friends. I refused, and kept at it for about a week (he still continued to try to contact me), at which point he told me that he was really miserable without me, that he still loved me, and that he wanted to try again... although he wasn't seeing any other girls in the meantime or anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that... it could happen, though it seems the more common situation is just that he's trying to boost his ego. Either way, I think the best thing to do is just to continue staying away from him and see what happens.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:12pm
Hey, good to hear things are going well for you again. So the two of you got back together? Have you been able to have a good long talk about your relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 12:29pm
Yeah, a few days after I last posted, we talked things over. He said that being without me really made him realize how much I meant to him and such. I guess the issue before was just that he wanted the two of us to just... have fun together, instead of worrying about the furture and enjoy the time we have left together (we're both high school seniors and plan to attend different colleges next year). So I guess at this point, we've both just decided to adopt a "we'll cross that bridge when we get there" mentality, and it's been going well. I think I've also decided to be a little more elusive so he doesn't get the chance to take me for granted. I don't know if I'm being naive or something, but... for some reason, I do feel like it'll work this time...


Edited 10/9/2004 12:31 pm ET ET by m_yui