Could use some advice here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Could use some advice here...
4
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 12:41pm

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years a month and a half ago because I caught him in a lie...and at the movies with another girl. This was not the first time he'd lied to me, and frankly, the relationship was rocky anyway.

He always said that he didn't know what he wanted and that he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married. He called all of our married friends losers and said that he never wanted to have kids, though I do. I had given him an ultimadum a few months prior that if he didn't know what he wanted in a year that I was going to walk anyway. This just pushed it up by a few months...

A few weeks ago we finally had a week of no contact. I felt rejuvinated. I really felt like this was the right thing to do. I even saw him out with friends, and I didn't even feel a pang of my old feelings for him. I want to be his friend, but he just wants me back...

He's begging for forgiveness and he says he wants to marry me. Part of me feels like this is just him being scared of being alone...and the other feels like maybe it took me leaving for him to see what I meant to him.

I don't know what to do here. I feel like I'm torturing him by even talking to him, but he keeps talking to me and trying to get me back. When I say that I don't think it's a good idea, he gets angry and tells me to get back in his life as his girlfriend/wife...or get out of it competely. He doesn't want me to talk to our mutual friends at all because he says it hurts him too much to hear about me.

I want to be his friend, but it's obvious to me that it's not going to happen...and maybe there's just a little flash of doubt, now that I hear these overatures of marriage and family (which is what I always wanted)....

So much for having things all figured out...

Any comments are much appreciated. Thanks for reading:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 5:05pm

I can understand your dilema! Unfortunately, sometimes actually breaking up and leaving does seem to kick these guys into gear and make them realize they do not want to lose us. However, just from reading your post, I would take a hard look at the signs and language used by your ex prior to your break up. He said married people were losers, doesn't want to have kids, blah, blah, blah. Now all of a sudden his attitude has changed because he wants you back. I would caution you on falling for that...he is reacting to your break up. I would think that if you did get back together, he would begin to back off on the whole marriage idea again.

As for your feelings, you say you want to get married and have kids, but you also said that once you broke up with him and then saw him out, you didn't even have that pang of hurt at seeing him. That in itself should tell you something. Sure, you may want to get married and have kids, but do you really want that with this guy? It's pretty obvious that that's really not what he wants...again, he's reacting to your breakup. If it's marriage and all that goes with it that you are searching for, maybe you should think about finding that with someone else who truly wants it as well with you. It may save you a lot more hurt in the long run.

As for the friends thing...You seem to already know that no contact always works best for everyone involved. He has made it clear to you that he doesn't want to be just friends. I will disagree that you shouldn't talk or hang out with any of your mutual friends together....you should come to some agreement with the mutual friends not to discuss you around him or vice versa. True friends don't have a difficult time maintaining that respect.

Good Luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 10:38pm

Don't forget that you caught him in a lie, and he has lied to you previously according to you. This is NOT acceptable behavior in my book. Without trust built into the foundation of your relationship, there is nothing to move forward with -- there would be no point in moving forward unless the base of those issues were worked out with much communication and work.

I am not sure about the severity of his "lies," but regardless, how could you ever trust him if he has lied to you not once, but at least twice or more in the past and was caught out secretly with another woman? Is this someone who you could trust having a solid marriage, or even having children with unless this were all resolved and he proved to be true to his words with consistant actions and time to show you them? Are you willing to wait this out for another year?

Don't you want someone that is sure of you, and can't get enough of you, someone that has similar goals and values naturally, rather then that forced feeling? Go with your instincts -- the ones that shouted out loud to you when you saw him out and you didn't feel a twang of pain, the ones that made you feel rejuvinated when you left him, the ones that gave you those bad feelings when he lied to you repeatedly, and the ones that made you broke up with him to begin with (on huge, huge goals that weren't common to him in his life actions, and words). Try to look clearly at all of the issues that made you break up with him, instead of fantasizing him into the partner you would like him to be because his words tell you other. He knows what you want to hear... So now he is saying he wants to be in the position of what he perceived as being a "loser?" It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

I am not saying that any type of relationship is impossible with him in the future. But, it is clear to me that you already prepared to move on, long ago, since you feel very comfortable in wanting to be his friend at this point. It shows me that you have thought through all of his deeply, for quite some time. Don't doubt what you already know -- remember all of the evidence that pointed to him not wanting the same things... Those are dealbreakers....He is trying to use that as a hook to get you back because he knows you strongly want those things -- or maybe he has convinced himself of 'that is what he wants,' but those seem to be huge life goals that cannot just change within a whim of losing someone. Wouldn't he have at least naturally expressed positives about those life goals, rather than negatives? He is not where you are at right now. He could still be in love with you, and bitter about the breakup... It could be out of his lack of security and fear of the unknown....

You might not know exactly what his intentions are, but you do know it is very hurtful for him to just have a casual friendship with you when his feelings are still prevelant and he has not gained closure within himself from the relationship... Maybe you truly haven't either... look deep within for the answers... THey are there, just try to look at them clearly beyond all of the emotions you feel. Time and space heals wounds... He, in his own way, is saying that if you cannot give him what he claims to want (a relationship with you), then you need to back away. I think this might be good for both parties as of now. Perhaps you could resume friendship when things aren't as raw and heated. If you were ever to get back together in the future, (which sounds unlikely from your perspective, and the fact that it was a rocky relationship, with two different outlooks)perhaps space and getting his act together could just make you stronger someday... if you are still even available!

Good luck!

~~SD~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 4:06pm
Thank you for both of your comments. I really appreciate the input. It helps to get a different perspective! Now I just need to make up my mind and stick to it:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 1:49pm
I think that deep down inside, you know what you want and you know what you need to do.
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